Flamethrowers and Umbrellas

Well, dayjob sure has been topsy-turvy. Almost two weeks ago now, we were all asked to set aside other plans and meetings to make it to a team meeting that had HR involved. We had about 30min to panic, and it turned out we had every right to panic. :/ One third of the team is going to be reassigned to other departments, where they're "needed." *eyeroll*

For a little history, not even a year ago we brought all of the department trainers under one department so that we could do a better and more efficient job of, well, training. Our CEO was getting miffed because one area was being taught one thing and another area was being taught something else, so customers were hearing different things from different people and getting confused/irate. Centralizing was supposed to help with that. We didn't even get to keep all the department trainers at the time because we were already deemed "too big."

So we got most, not all, and were promised 18 months of grace and we figured things out with a vastly larger and different team.

Not even 12 months later, and we're told we're too big. Instead of talking to anyone on the team, management picked out who they wanted to leave and leadership said where-to. The affected trainers found out maaaybe a few hours before the rest of us. In contrast, when we centralized, every affected trainer got to talk to their manager and ours about it, got to decide whether they'd come over, and got at least some choice in where they'd go if not. They had 3 months to process and decide and were promised they'd get a fair shake after that.

Needless to say, morale has been in the dumps. According to my coworkers in the office, someone is almost always crying and management has shutdown any conversations about it. I'm furious.

Then, this week, I finally got the promotion I'd been working toward. Which feels a bit like spitting in the face of all those who are being moved. I'm still glad for the promotion, but it's very bittersweet. And especially after all this... as another coworker put it, this was maybe a needed reminder that no matter how much your employer touts themselves as Good for Employees and On Your Side, you're just another number at the end of the day. Employment in the good ol US of A is precarious and can always be taken away at the whim of your employer.

Not that I needed anything else to harden my resolve to be done in 2 years...

I had such a good run Saturday morning. I can't wait for this humidity to break so I can get out there and run more often. I even saw an acquaintance on my way back from my run, as the Park Run had just started. Another reason I need this weather to change; I try to go before the sun rises to avoid the worst of it, but Park Run is usually right after sunrise.

The rest of Saturday was pretty chill. Lady tried valiantly to arrange a playdate with some of our other friends, but after they said they couldn't leave home before 11am, told us they were at the location at 10.30am and then that they were leaving right as we got on the road. Whatever. The kids still had fun and we still got out of the house, but seriously this is the kind of inanity that frequently gets in the way of getting together with other parents.

Saturday night Lady and I went to a play put on by a local theater group. After our last community theater experience, I had very very low expectations, but it was amazing. Stellar acting, hilarious dialogue, and just heavy enough to make you think. It was a play about two queer couples caught up in the Red (and Lavender) Scare of the 1950s, who put up a facade of heterosexuality by pretending to be married to each other. We were already talking about what plays we want to see next by this group/in this theater as we left.

Sunday continued to be pretty chill. Lady and CG went out to run errands midday, leaving me and Toddler on our own. We played with my camera, taking pictures in party hats, and then I got to read to him while he cuddled on my lap. He's getting so big but he still fits so perfectly. Then, out of the blue, he tells me that CG and Lady had gone to find a jigglypuff for my birthday. I knew CG wanted to do that, but I also knew that the Target didn't have any, so I figured he'd just overheard CG.

He mentioned it a few more times, but when CG and Lady returned he stopped talking about it. CG was very excited to go to the pool, and even mentioned we should take the bike instead of the car. Maybe I should've been suspicious at that point, but tbf she's been choosing the bike over the car more often lately. So we biked to the city pool and played together until she ran into a school friend, who I encouraged her to play with instead. It was pretty good timing -- School Friend was just taking the swim test for the first time (which kids under 15 have to pass to go on the slide or jump off the diving board) and CG cheered him on. Then she helped him get over his fear of the slide and by the time the pool was closing and we had to leave, we had to scrape them both off.

We come home, tired and damp. CG insists I shower first -- strange, again, because she usually rushes in after the pool -- but I don't fight it. Then I walk into our bedroom and there's a big ole jigglypuff on our bed and everything makes a Lot of Sense.

So Toddler was right -- CG and Lady had gone to find a jigglypuff earlier. Then CG suggested the bike so that I wouldn't see the bag in the back and Lady could get it out while we were gone. I was impressed at the level of sneakiness. CG and Toddler were enamored with the jigglypuff. It's about as big as Toddler and soft, so he's had a lot of fun just lying on top of it. I've been hesitant to acquire any stuffies for myself since Kids, because they always seem to become theirs, but so far Toddler's been good about giving jigglypuff and a hug and a kiss at bedtime and letting her go and CG listens when I was for her back. So, hah, maybe I'll manage to hold onto this one.

Monday we went to the lake, checking up on 2 Papas' house for them and making sure that lake was still swimmable. ;) CG and I pulled a large float out onto the lake and took turns rolling/jumping off. I still prefer the pool to the lake, because not being able to see more than a foot or two through the murky water is off-putting, but it's fun and free. And when 2 Papas get back, they're going to put in a dock, so we'll be able to yeet ourselves into the deep water more effectively.

That's about as chill of a holiday weekend you can get, I guess.

The project that I completed in July that dayjob wanted me to redo in 3 days was, of course, utter trash and now they want me to redo it again. I have a week this time, as if that really makes a big difference. I'm simmering with annoyance and resentment, which is never a good combo, but at least now I'm working with the project's manager and I'm running everything by her as I do it.

I hate having Not Enough Time to Do Things Right and still being expected to push out miracles. I don't feel bad that I turned in trash because I had three days and I told them that, over and over. The fact that it functioned on a technological level is a marvel in itself. And after a disastrous meeting last week where I felt like I was getting the brunt of the blame, at least the manager met with me later and shared that I hadn't even received half the material. She seemed fairly teed with her team and I think the earlier meeting had been more her trying not to chew them out in front of me.

Anyway, dayjob aside because fuck, that's going to be my life this week and I'm already exhausted. I've burnt myself to an inch several times over for them in just the last month and I ain't doing that anymore.

This weekend we finally went to a spring, after trying to go all summer long and being thwarted by storms, sickness, and general inability to get out the door. The springs are usually full up by 10am, but I guess a combination of them just re-opening and the kids being back in school meant they didn't close until after we got there.

They weren't kidding about it being flooded still; the water went well back into the treeline. But it was low enough to be safe, I guess... honestly, I don't know. They could have waited another week to open. The beach area where I'd assumed Toddler could play was completely gone, now just a muddy little walk-in to the swimming area. Poor kiddo didn't want to get into the cold water -- fair! -- and just kind of spent the time playing with a pool noddle.

CG had fun, at least. She kept saying it didn't feel as cold as last time and I pointed out that's probably because she's a bit bigger. She was still shivering by the end, but her lips weren't blue. The water, usually clear, was pretty murky. I don't know if that was a result of the higher water levels or all the people stirring up silt at the walk-in. Folks kept getting knee-deep and then retreating because it's, well, cold. What did they expect? Still, it is a shock if you haven't visited a spring before. Just gotta jump in and let your body go numb.

I'm glad we went; spring season is pretty much ending soon, as the days get less sweltering. You kind of need it to be 90 degrees just to recover from the cold after. In theory, the 72 degree water feels warm in the winter, but I haven't been brave enough to test it yet.

After all that swimming, CG still had energy to spare, and she remembered me saying we could practice biking to her school later in the afternoon. Despite me reminding her it would be a bit further than other trips we'd gone on and also had at least two intense hills, she still wanted to do it. So I strapped Toddler on the cargo bike, made sure we all had water and sunglasses, and away we went.

We had to stop for water three times, and once at the top of a hill for CG to catch her breath, but we did it! She was so proud of herself when we reached the school; she's been talking about wanting to bike to school for a few months now. I'm so proud and also a little bittersweet; she really will start biking this year, and then I won't have both my kids on my bike anymore. I knew some day they wouldn't both fit and I'd have to find a solution, which is why I've been working with her to get stronger at biking, but gosh, it feels like it came on all of a sudden.

CG is already talking about when she can bike to school for real. I'm trying to figure out when and how; we'd have to be able to leave early enough, since she bikes a lot slower than me and then there's the problem of retrieving her bike, since she still goes to afterschool at another place. Still! I will figure it out because I know how much I loved biking to school as a kid and I want to continue fostering her independence.

It's also that my own choice to bike them instead of driving feels like it's paid off. Not only do I get to talk to them on the bikeride in -- sometimes we sing, sometimes we point out cats, sometimes we get to see baby ducks -- but CG has developed an interest in biking and understanding that she can go places, too, and eventually on her own (although I have to remind her that there are Laws here, unfortunately, so it will be a few more years).

I've also noticed she has a much firmer grasp of our neighborhood and its surroundings. I read about a study a year ago that had kids draw a map of their route to school; the study found that kids who were driven often drew a very ambiguous map, little more than a line from their house to the school. Kids who walked or biked drew their entire neighborhoods, with important details like Big Tree and Friend's House.

It reminded me of how, when I returned to my childhood town as an adult, I could find my way around some areas just fine but was an absolute loss at others -- of course, the former were the roads I'd biked and the latter were the roads I'd been driven. Even now, trying to picture my town and the surrounding area, everything gets hazy at the edges of my biking route. When folks mention streets from where I grew up, I can't even place them, even if I recognize the names.

Anyway, just another perk of biking. I kind of want to give her the map test from the study and see how she does.

I resent the way adult illnesses always take 4-7 days to resolve, instead of the 24 hour bugs we used to catch as kids. Of course, the downside of those was all the vomiting and fever and nausea but idk... sometimes I'd rather just feel awful for a short period and be over it instead of the lingering.

Anyway this is day 3 or 4 of this cold and I would like to just sleep, even though I am also tired of sleeping.

I did go for a run on Saturday to take advantage of the cool weather and I do not regret it. Even though it was only 3km, the ease of it despite having a chest cold reminded me that I won't have to struggle to run forever; the humidity will break, the cool season will come, and I will have all of this endurance from pushing through all summer to actually go run long distances and have fun again.

Just. Like. One more month.

I made a book cake this weekend, for practice. CG saw the recipe in a Sprinklebakes book and insisted I make it for my birthday because I "love books and love making cake." Lol. She also said something about how I should make a coffee cup cake because I also love coffee. This girl gets me. Or maybe I'm just that simple.

I decided to practice the cake since it used several techniques/pieces that I haven't tried before. Namely, the cake itself (madeira, which is egg-heavy and dries out easily), fondant, sculpting, and lettering. I managed about 2 out of 4 of those all right, hah. But I let the cake bake too long and get too dry (the trouble with baking when kids are around) and the fondant didn't look terrible, but everyone still politely scraped it off their cake.

Still, it wasn't a complete failure and now I have some solid ideas on how to make it a lot better. Namely, maybe make the cake itself the day before while the kids are away, hah. Also maybe try to decorate the icing itself instead of fondant. As cool as fondant can be, if no one is going to eat it, what's the point?

Speaking of books, I finished Starter Villain in two days last week (mmm, candy) and just finished The Death I Gave Him this morning. The former was an easy breeze of a book to read, although it feels like Scalzi is starting to be a bit dated in his writing. The MC was supposedly someone in his early 30s, but everything about him screamed late 40s divorcee. The latter was a visceral sci-fi retelling of Hamlet with a lot - a lot - of character dissections, both figurative and literal. I ended up skimming the second half quite a bit and not missing much, but I also recognize there have been times in my reading life when I would have lapped up the excessive descriptions and metaphors. I've never read Hamlet itself before, but the story shape has been used so many times that it felt familiar. Still, I didn't expect that ending, and I loved that.

Next I'm picking up Gideon the Ninth for the seventh time. Maybe I'll actually finish it this time. Not Gideon's fault--it's got a great rhythm once I get into it, I just kept getting interrupted what with kids and everything. And it's been long enough that hopefully I can appreciate it for what it is, instead of tangled up with all the hype. Gideon definitely suffered from the Hype Machine, which tends to turn me off whatever media it's currently blasting. That plus it being The Necromancy Book the same year my own necromancy book came out, and never hearing the end of it...

But I want to give it a fair shake, so. Let's go again.

My uncle passed yesterday. He was the family member I mentioned obliquely before. He was only 70, which is much too young in this day and age.

My parents went out to be with my aunt -- my mom's sister -- for the last week. I'm so glad she has so much support around her. I can't even begin to imagine the pain, watching your loved one deteriorate so suddenly and so quickly.

They're not having a funeral but I hope the family does... something. I'm so grateful we got together last year, nearly that whole side of the family, because now I can remember my uncle's laugh and booming voice. And CG will remember him, if only vaguely. He was the kind of uncle who was actually a good, kind man, which... I think that excludes all of my other uncles. In a generation poisoned by toxic masculinity, he really stood out as a contrasting example of positive masculinity.

Speaking of funerals (wow, this sure is a year, huh), grandmum's has been lined up for late October. I just purchased our train tickets, which were a pretty penny more than I was expecting. But once I took into account that they're basically a hotel, plus transportation, plus two meals for four, plus not having to deal with a car, then the tickets seemed like a deal.

The only downside is I realized we'll be traveling late October (duh) overnight, which means... we might not see much outside the train windows. It'll be almost dark when we get on the train and definitely dark when we get off.

Anyway, now I need to figure out what to do with two kids in DC for a few days in late October. And also find a way to stop any other family members from getting sick. :/

I think I've got one foot in depression. It's not all the way yet, but I can feel it creeping up on me. Some of it is the grief I haven't really allowed myself to feel for Grandmum's passing. Some of it is grief for another family member, who was diagnosed with something awful out of the blue six months ago and is now in hospice. Waiting every day on news that... yeah. Some of it is burnout from work. Some of it is my closeknit author group spontaneously combusting a few months ago, leaving me feeling alone and forgotten...

All that together is more than enough to feel sad, I guess. I was going to try to combat it this morning with a run, but then I opened the front door and was walloped by a wall of heat and humidity. Ugh, I can't. The problem with having lived up North is I learned to enjoy being a little chilly while I run, so now starting out hot is an absolute no go.

I gotta do something to move my body today, though. I really wanted to go for a swim yesterday, but meetings were weirdly spaced. I could do it today...

I got real wound up at work this week, and then called out on it. Another coworker who is chronically Not Telling Us Shit is out and I was taking heat for some of their projects. I got cranky because I don't know what's going on with their stuff and another coworker kindly pulled me aside to say they're out because their kid has been in the hospital (kid's okay now, but).

And I just kinda. Stopped. I realized I'd been working myself up about all these projects and folks wanting things with absurd turnarounds and on top of that getting called out in front of the whole team for things that aren't even in my control... and I realized, why do I care? As I tell everyone else, our job isn't a matter of life or death. What we do doesn't really matter on a grand scale. Sure, we're important to the credit union, but... so what?

I'm usually pretty good about distancing and perspective with dayjob, but I really let it get to me the last few months. It worms in when you're not looking, that sense that Dayjob is All Important. And maybe I let it because I wanted it to be. I don't have anything Important (I mean yes, kids are Important, but Society doesn't really seem to care about that) and I tried to make it so. Lady gets to run off at all times to her lab, the kids are growing and needing support and food and love, and I... make trainings. Whoop-de-doo.

To be clear, I often have fun at my job and enjoy what I do. But it's not going to change anything. It's not important. It's a paycheck that gives me flexibility to house-spouse, support my wife, support my kids, etc that not many jobs do. I just need to take a step back and get it out of my head.

So I'm taking a day off next week to swim the Ichetucknee and I'll take a few hours today to swim at the city pool and yeah, I'll take off early so I can make dinner today, too. And I'll care a little less about projects and timelines because who knows how much time we actually have on this little blue orb. This year has certainly been a reminder that it's often far less than we thought.

Between day job and house spousing, I'm feeling trapped again. This seems to happen any time one demands more time than I have and I'm forced to let other things go. It also seems to be coming from the week solo-parenting where my duties really weren't any more than they usually are.

In a fit of feeling trapped, I tried to figure out if I could retire even earlier -- say, when Toddler goes to kindergarten in two years. At that point, we could drop childcare entirely and save a hefty sum. I was so excited for a little bit at the prospective, but the more calculations I do, the more impossible it seems. There's still a gap of 20k in our finances if I quit altogether, even if I'm frugal and skimp and save. I still need to contribute to my actual retirement, which we'd be fine with now if I could just ride it out the next seven years.

If only publishing could bring a modicum of certainty. 20k seems so doable in any other field, but hah hah, not publishing. It's so frustrating that even the publishing houses like to treat authors like they just have a little hobby, and that the money isn't actually necessary for their continued existence. The way pub dates and therefore pay dates get pushed around entirely at the publisher's whim, or broken up into smaller and smaller pieces. If an advance were still truly an advance -- that is, money to live on while the writing gets done -- then it might be more doable. As is...

But the other side of this dream/need is I want to be there for the kids. I don't want CG to have to go to afterschool care forever. I want her to be able to come home after school, do her homework, see her friends, do any activities she might need to. Same with Toddler. And summers... I'm definitely jealous of some of the parents who can take weeks off to spend time with their kids and just enjoy their family. I'm sure it brings it's own stressors, but I can't help but want more unstructured time for both of ours.

On the other, other side, all of their friends are also in daycare/childcare. So like... it's just normal for this generation, as much as I dislike it.

Either way, two years is still a long ways out. So much could change--so much has changed in just the last two years. My workload has increased on both fronts, but as the kids get older, they'll be able to help more--and need less help. Toddler has stopped inconsistently waking up early and now can be expected to sleep past 6.30am. Just knowing I won't be interrupted during my only writing hours makes a huge difference.

And I have this WIP that isn't supposed to be anything but now feels like it could be something. I re-read it a few days ago, and it's not bad. I could use it to get a new agent, try a new stab at publishing, etc.

So I think, that's ultimately what I'm going to do. I'm going to write/rewrite/revise this WIP over the next year and then yeet it into the ether. Going on the 2-year timeline, that would give me at least a year to sell it. Entirely plausible, even possible at my snail-pace. And then maybe, maybe, if it sells I'll get that 20k I need to quit my job. It'll be precarious and scary, but never enough that I'd have to worry about losing the house or anything that big.

In the meantime, I can practice frugality, save as much as we can. I've already talked to Lady about most of this, and while she doesn't like having to think about money as much as we did in our 20s, she also knows I've been constantly on the edge of burning out -- if not actually burnt out several times.

I just... I want a second chance at my dream. For a few glorious years, I had it, and even if it burned in unexpected ways, it was exactly what I'd wanted. At least this time I know exactly what I'm getting into and I know the kind of support I need. So there's that.

The nerve pain has largely stopped, so yay: antivirals! The only downside is they make me feel like I've taken nightquil instead for a few hours afterwards, so I have to time them right. That is: not when I first wake up, so I'm still able to get the kids ready. Unfortunately, that only leaves right before work instead, which has definitely made it difficult to make any progress.

I have a meeting with my boss today (now yesterday*). We are going to have a Talk. Thankfully, I've been in this role for far longer than he's been in charge and I also have the confidence that comes with Knowing My Shit. I'm honestly mostly just frustrated that less than six months ago both managers promised to avoid just these situations and yet, here we are.

On the writing front, I was deep in the doldrums last week, lost all momentum, am now almost a week behind in Camp NaNoWriMo, and ready to throw in the proverbial towel (or at least whine a lot)... and of course that means I've finally had a Big Realization about the plot and worldbuilding that might just save this whole mess. That's how it goes, huh.

That said, I probably won't finish this draft by August (which is next week aaaaaah), which Matters because I'm considering taking a proper break from writing for that month. Every August, I try to do something that I haven't had the time or guts for, that will expand my abilities or give me a chance to breath. This year, I think I'm going to *gasp* use my morning writing time to read, instead.

I'd gotten into a daily grove of reading back in... uh... January, only for that to fall to pieces after only a month or so. What with not doing the queer books list and now not even reading, I feel like I'm so out of touch with SFF. Anyway, it's something I've been needing to do but not managing in any functional way, so honestly August works perfectly for experimenting to see if morning reading does any better.

It doesn't mean I can't write, just the guaranteed quiet I have in the morning will be dedicated to books instead.

(*I didn't finish this yesterday, so update on boss meeting: I outlined exactly how they needed to get me content if they wanted a completed training in time and then emphasized that I need to be in these projects sooner; a large part of the problem with this project is the folks running it have no idea what they're doing, unfortunately, and I didn't realize that until I was knee-deep in other projects. So. No leaving me out until the last minute anymore, folks.)

Two more days until Dr Lady comes back. I swear, this has been the easiest solo-week. CG must be trying extra hard to listen and play with Toddler and I gotta find a way to let her know how much I appreciate it. She's such a sweet child and she really cares--almost too much, sometimes. I try to be clear that she can be upset, she can be frustrated, that's all okay and normal and I hope she listens.

Some of the easiness is also because I just... have a groove down. And I hate to admit it's easier when I'm not trying to navigate/negotiate with another parent, which sounds terrible, but I really am a bit of a control freak. Not knowing what's going to happen/how things are going to go stresses me out, which is why every morning not knowing if I'm going to get help is stressful and every evening, not knowing when Lady is going to come home is stressful.

That said, without another parent, I also can't do anything outside of daycare hours. I am so looking forward to joining my regular 5am crossfit class next week and going for a run early Saturday. I saw several runners on my way home from dropping the kids off yesterday and I swear I looked at them like a starving person would look at cake (or me at cake, I love cake). I yearn.

And, to be clear, I miss her. Everything might have gotten 10x harder in the last two years, but I still love my wife.

Been trying out that no caffeine right away thing all week and it's great on Crossfit mornings, I hardly even notice that lack of caffeine, but some reason it sucks extra on non-Crossfit mornings. I've tried going for a walk instead, which hasn't really helped, and this weekend I'm trying a run. But the two mornings I had free to write I ended up waiting until I could have coffee first. 😅

That said, the days I successfully delayed caffeine actually do seem a little better. For one, I'm far less irritable in the morning. Hahaha, who could have predicted that...(/s). And I get tired later in the day than my typical mid-morning. Which has been great for work productivity, less so for writing.

(I just checked to see if I mentioned why I was testing this and apparently I thought about writing it down several times but never did. Well, tl;dr -- several times in the past few weeks I've come across research on the benefits of delayed caffeine intake and then last week when I was dizzy and tired during a workout, one of the other crossfitters who also happens to be a nurse mentioned it so, well, I figured it was the universe's way of saying "hey Kai. maybe you should try this.")

Right now I have 30min to go and a headache and I already went for a walk-run but all I want is that sweet, sweet caffeine.

Oh another note, there might be something else entirely causing the fatigue. I had sudden pain up and down my neck last Sunday resolving into soreness around my ear. Went to urgent care, they noted my lymph was swollen, then treated me for an ear infection. I dutifully took my antibiotics and ear drops and noted to Dr Lady that at least I'd feel better within a day, because infections usually go away quickly.

Wellll.... not so much. Nothing has gotten better and I started to panic a little mid-week because I don't have a PCP right now -- I got my shit together and found one, but my new patient appointment with her isn't until almost October. And of course Webmd says a swollen lymph node is one of two things, and as usual, one of those things is cancer.

The most likely thing is it's a viral infection related to whatever's been causing me to feel like shit. But I still need to see a doc and rule out the alternative, which hasn't been helping my anxiety in the least. I had a full on panic attack last week for the first time in at least a year. 🙃

Anyway after several days of going to everyone I could think of, by Friday afternoon I finally have an appointment with a random nurse of Monday. Yay!

Now I have the weekend to focus on Lady going to a conference and leaving me on my own all next week... 😬

I'm in a fatigue spell and it sucks. Usually they only last a day, but this one is ending its day three. I was able to do a bit yesterday despite my eyes trying to close half the time but it hit me hard today.

I cried in front of the kids because I was so frustrated and tired, and it's either I cry or I yell. I hate that I have a temper when I feel like shit, and I've definitely made progress toward catching myself before I burst, but gosh darn, all that progress goes out the window when I can barely function and the kids are just constantly at each others' throats.

I just wish I knew why I get these spells. Food tracking was supposed to give me some clue, but I ate better* (*hitting goals for fiber, iron, protein, b12, etc) than I have in weeks and it still hit me. And my theory as to it being menstrual cycle-related has gone out the window, because this one hit at an entirely different time of that.

It's not the sleep -- I've had far less and been fine. It's not the kids -- this never happened with CG. I can't be a hundred percent sure this never happened before I had COVID two years ago, but it sure as hell has been pretty regular since.

I just have no idea and it frankly scares me. Am I just going to always have 2-3 days every month or two that I'm non-functional? I have honestly no hope that going to a doctor would help. None of my labs have ever come back abnormal. I just have to adapt and hope that it doesn't get worse.