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Hello Tropical Storm Soon to be Hurricane Helene. Yay. /sarcasm

Honestly, it shouldn't be too bad for us. But the kids are very likely to be home Thursday, so I'm trying to mentally prepare. On the plus side, it looks like we somehow evaded the stomach bug that is tearing through our parent friend's house, despite having her sick kiddo with us overnight Sunday. I might have gone overboard with the bleach cleaning up that vomit, but hey: no one else has thrown up.

Because of said clean up at 4am Monday, I ended up taking a nap mid-morning Monday and had the most realistic nightmare I've had in a very, very long time. My boss-boss wanted to meet, in person, to tell us something important. She got very personal and soft-voiced, as she had when she'd announced IRL our team's downsizing. She said the company was getting rid of all remote positions and doing Return to Office and we had until the end of the month to either relocate or quit. I don't remember ever crying in a dream, but I absolutely broke down in that one.

It was so real-feeling that even now, almost two days later, it's hard to shake that it didn't actually happen and that this isn't something imminent. To make myself feel a little calmer, I started a log of everything I'm doing at work, so I can pull it out and justify my position at the drop of a hat. I should've been doing this for a while, as my boss had been asking everyone about their projects since June (which is why this reduction isn't quite a shock, but).

I just need two more years. Two more years and then it won't matter if they drop me or force RTO. I wouldn't have thought they'd do either right up until 2 weeks ago; they weathered the 2008 financial crisis amazingly well and surfed through the 2020 one with nary an issue, but I guess the high interest rates has caused a financial environment that's untenable for a lot of businesses. Those are going down now, so everything should even out, but also... well, trust has been lost. And when it's only their word that they'd never force RTO, well.

And now Toddler is awake? At 5am? What are you doing, son?
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Well, dayjob sure has been topsy-turvy. Almost two weeks ago now, we were all asked to set aside other plans and meetings to make it to a team meeting that had HR involved. We had about 30min to panic, and it turned out we had every right to panic. :/ One third of the team is going to be reassigned to other departments, where they're "needed." *eyeroll*

For a little history, not even a year ago we brought all of the department trainers under one department so that we could do a better and more efficient job of, well, training. Our CEO was getting miffed because one area was being taught one thing and another area was being taught something else, so customers were hearing different things from different people and getting confused/irate. Centralizing was supposed to help with that. We didn't even get to keep all the department trainers at the time because we were already deemed "too big."

So we got most, not all, and were promised 18 months of grace and we figured things out with a vastly larger and different team.

Not even 12 months later, and we're told we're too big. Instead of talking to anyone on the team, management picked out who they wanted to leave and leadership said where-to. The affected trainers found out maaaybe a few hours before the rest of us. In contrast, when we centralized, every affected trainer got to talk to their manager and ours about it, got to decide whether they'd come over, and got at least some choice in where they'd go if not. They had 3 months to process and decide and were promised they'd get a fair shake after that.

Needless to say, morale has been in the dumps. According to my coworkers in the office, someone is almost always crying and management has shutdown any conversations about it. I'm furious.

Then, this week, I finally got the promotion I'd been working toward. Which feels a bit like spitting in the face of all those who are being moved. I'm still glad for the promotion, but it's very bittersweet. And especially after all this... as another coworker put it, this was maybe a needed reminder that no matter how much your employer touts themselves as Good for Employees and On Your Side, you're just another number at the end of the day. Employment in the good ol US of A is precarious and can always be taken away at the whim of your employer.

Not that I needed anything else to harden my resolve to be done in 2 years...
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I've got about 10min to decide whether or not to go to ParkRun this morning. Toddler is awake so I'd be pushing a heavy stroller, plus it's over 75 degrees and 100% humidity so it would feel like running through a soupy swamp. There's promise of cooler weather tomorrow and beyond, so all my will is seeping away quicker than sand through a funnel.

This level of humidity and heat is just miserable to run in. You're drenched in sweat but you can't cool down. It's gross and you feel gross. I can't wait for the humidity to break and my runs to actually feel nice again. I had a brief taste of that midweek, when it cooled down to 72F, but...

Okay yeah, I've talked myself out of it. Hah. I'll take Toddler for a walk when the sun rises instead. He's been very keen on sunrise ever since I took them both with me to a photography meet-up a month or so ago.

Cabin Girl has become obsessed with Animorphs. I've had six of them on our bookshelf for forever because they were my favorite series as a kid and CG has occasionally taken them down to look at the pictures and the little flipbook at the bottom corner of each page. She finally asked us to read the first one to her back in July and I was like, okay, but it could be a little scary so let us know... aaand now she's hooked. When we had a babysitter back in August, CG spent at least an hour outlining the plot and explaining how each book had a different POV.

She's even started reading the first one on her own. We're on the eighth at this point (I had to go source more from a secondhand place) with no flagging of interest in sight. I'm a little worried because the series goes pretty dark around book 20, but I figure we'll handle that when we get there. Maybe we won't be able to find the rest of the series for a while. :|

That said, her enthusiasm is so wonderful. I had to admit, I was starting to worry a little, as other kids in her age group were starting to read on their own and without prompting and she was more interested in TV shows and computer games. Not that those are bad things, but as an author and once voracious child reader, I have a vested interest in giving her every opportunity to also enjoy books. Animorphs at 8 seems a little young, but also I remember anything I wasn't ready for just going over my head at that age. Definitely being older and having a lot more experience in the world has made those books 100x more horrifying, but she doesn't have that baggage.

Besides, for some reason I never finished reading the series. So maybe I'll finally have the chance.

In other Kai Is Not Trying to Impart All of Her Formative Childhood Interests on Her Children, She Swears News, CG and I started playing Half-Life together a week or two ago. We've played both Portal 1 and 2 already, as well as some other, more child-friendly games, but she'd heard about HL from a friend and kept asking me to play it. I warned her it was scary and not really age-appropriate, but she watched a little gameplay and was fine and actually seems to really enjoy the jump-scares.

It's also meant talking a little about the morality and ethics of experimenting on alien creatures, and who actually is the bad guy in this scenario, and when is it justified to take otherwise unjustifiable action... who said video games couldn't be educational?

Anyway, it's been a fun way to spend 20-30min with her each night, and then we turn around and read for almost an hour. I don't know how long this will last, but it sure is fun for now. :)
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I had such a good run Saturday morning. I can't wait for this humidity to break so I can get out there and run more often. I even saw an acquaintance on my way back from my run, as the Park Run had just started. Another reason I need this weather to change; I try to go before the sun rises to avoid the worst of it, but Park Run is usually right after sunrise.

The rest of Saturday was pretty chill. Lady tried valiantly to arrange a playdate with some of our other friends, but after they said they couldn't leave home before 11am, told us they were at the location at 10.30am and then that they were leaving right as we got on the road. Whatever. The kids still had fun and we still got out of the house, but seriously this is the kind of inanity that frequently gets in the way of getting together with other parents.

Saturday night Lady and I went to a play put on by a local theater group. After our last community theater experience, I had very very low expectations, but it was amazing. Stellar acting, hilarious dialogue, and just heavy enough to make you think. It was a play about two queer couples caught up in the Red (and Lavender) Scare of the 1950s, who put up a facade of heterosexuality by pretending to be married to each other. We were already talking about what plays we want to see next by this group/in this theater as we left.

Sunday continued to be pretty chill. Lady and CG went out to run errands midday, leaving me and Toddler on our own. We played with my camera, taking pictures in party hats, and then I got to read to him while he cuddled on my lap. He's getting so big but he still fits so perfectly. Then, out of the blue, he tells me that CG and Lady had gone to find a jigglypuff for my birthday. I knew CG wanted to do that, but I also knew that the Target didn't have any, so I figured he'd just overheard CG.

He mentioned it a few more times, but when CG and Lady returned he stopped talking about it. CG was very excited to go to the pool, and even mentioned we should take the bike instead of the car. Maybe I should've been suspicious at that point, but tbf she's been choosing the bike over the car more often lately. So we biked to the city pool and played together until she ran into a school friend, who I encouraged her to play with instead. It was pretty good timing -- School Friend was just taking the swim test for the first time (which kids under 15 have to pass to go on the slide or jump off the diving board) and CG cheered him on. Then she helped him get over his fear of the slide and by the time the pool was closing and we had to leave, we had to scrape them both off.

We come home, tired and damp. CG insists I shower first -- strange, again, because she usually rushes in after the pool -- but I don't fight it. Then I walk into our bedroom and there's a big ole jigglypuff on our bed and everything makes a Lot of Sense.

So Toddler was right -- CG and Lady had gone to find a jigglypuff earlier. Then CG suggested the bike so that I wouldn't see the bag in the back and Lady could get it out while we were gone. I was impressed at the level of sneakiness. CG and Toddler were enamored with the jigglypuff. It's about as big as Toddler and soft, so he's had a lot of fun just lying on top of it. I've been hesitant to acquire any stuffies for myself since Kids, because they always seem to become theirs, but so far Toddler's been good about giving jigglypuff and a hug and a kiss at bedtime and letting her go and CG listens when I was for her back. So, hah, maybe I'll manage to hold onto this one.

Monday we went to the lake, checking up on 2 Papas' house for them and making sure that lake was still swimmable. ;) CG and I pulled a large float out onto the lake and took turns rolling/jumping off. I still prefer the pool to the lake, because not being able to see more than a foot or two through the murky water is off-putting, but it's fun and free. And when 2 Papas get back, they're going to put in a dock, so we'll be able to yeet ourselves into the deep water more effectively.

That's about as chill of a holiday weekend you can get, I guess.

38

Aug. 31st, 2024 06:13 am
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I've technically already celebrated my birthday this month -- through the various Cake Attempts, and the two days off last week -- but today is my actual birthday. I used to yearn for Saturday birthdays growing up and through my 20s, but having a kid made me appreciate having them during the week, hah. Their needs don't magically stop just because it's Your Day.

So I'm keeping my expectations low -- all I want is a long run this morning and to make some cupcakes together later. At least I had the forethought to get a babysitter for tonight and tickets to a play. I'd originally thought we could go to the springs, but the thought of organizing it all and trying to get there before they close for capacity was too much. I am tired of organizing, cajoling, caroling, herding cats, etc. Maybe the kids will let me roam free in the backyard, dealing with all the summer's overgrowth and preparing the garden for winter instead.

37 was sure a year. I feel like I've been stripped to the bone, but I've still got some tendons and meat left and I know that I could lose that, too. Despite trying to go out and make friends, I'm somehow at fewer friends than I started 37 at: a parent friend who I thought we were on good terms with has ceased communication entirely; another parent friend has made it abundantly clear that she will only contact us when she needs us; the author group I was so close to we actually met up in-person last fall has pretty much disbanded; and all of my attempts at making friends IRL have fizzled out.

At least I have enough self-confidence now to know none of these were my fault. I can only reach out, organize, plan for others so many times before the lack of reciprocity is too much. And the author group imploded because of two individuals who couldn't hash their beef out somewhere else, poisoning the whole atmosphere there. Still, that little anxiety voice sure likes to point out that there's a commonality in all of these.

On top of that, I split with my agent, stopped doing the queer books list, and pulled back from social media quite a bit. I can't quite say I've never felt more alone, because man, that first year with a newborn having freshly moved to Michigan was achingly lonely, but it's close. And I don't know what to do differently, aside from keep trying different things, different venues. I know it's hard to make friends as an adult, but I also know there are so many other folks in the same basket.

Knowing we struck gold once is helping - two parent friends who were truly a delight to be around and who actually seemed interested in being friends. The other party reaching out and making suggestions as to things to do?? Le gasp! If only they didn't have to move. But it proves it's possible, if I just keep trying and have a little luck.

So idk, maybe that's gonna be the vibe for 38: just keep trying. Make room for luck.

37 was all about making new opportunities happen: joining the local writer's org, going to the Silent Book Club, going to school events. The writer's org was a bust -- apparently I'm not ready to be around folks who are actively publishing/seeking publication. SBC started out hopeful, but the first person I hit it off with moved to California, and now the meetings are so big folks don't talk as much. :/ And school events... I feel like I keep seeing the same people and none of them are interested in being friends. I get that we're all tired and overwhelmed, but surely someone else out there wants to meet up at a playground and talk to an adult while their kiddo plays with another kid and leaves them alone for 30min? Surely??

But... I did start a writing group, and that's nothing to sneeze at. I infiltrated the local NaNo group and suggested we start meeting up to write during the April Camp season, and now we meet (almost) every week. 4-6 of us, all dorks, all just trying to write. So I guess there was some success last year.

Speaking of success, I also have been back at Crossfit for an entire year. And I managed to do it without injuring myself! That's definitely something to be proud of -- listening to my body, respecting my limits, and still pushing myself. Even though it feels like every 3-4 weeks I have to take a week off because of illness, I come back every time and keep going. And I certainly feel stronger and more capable than I did a year ago. At this age I'm certainly not going to be competing, so I've let that dream go, but there's still massive value in staying and keeping strong. Everything I've read about being healthy/capable in your later years points back to laying and protecting that foundation in your 30s and beyond. I know a lot of it is luck, too, but the difference between family members who have stayed active vs not is very stark these days.

So... yeah. 37 was a stripping down to the foundations, but also fixing that foundation so I can build something new that will last. So maybe 38 will be that building up, of something stronger, and better, and kinder. That's all we can ask for, isn't it?
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The project that I completed in July that dayjob wanted me to redo in 3 days was, of course, utter trash and now they want me to redo it again. I have a week this time, as if that really makes a big difference. I'm simmering with annoyance and resentment, which is never a good combo, but at least now I'm working with the project's manager and I'm running everything by her as I do it.

I hate having Not Enough Time to Do Things Right and still being expected to push out miracles. I don't feel bad that I turned in trash because I had three days and I told them that, over and over. The fact that it functioned on a technological level is a marvel in itself. And after a disastrous meeting last week where I felt like I was getting the brunt of the blame, at least the manager met with me later and shared that I hadn't even received half the material. She seemed fairly teed with her team and I think the earlier meeting had been more her trying not to chew them out in front of me.

Anyway, dayjob aside because fuck, that's going to be my life this week and I'm already exhausted. I've burnt myself to an inch several times over for them in just the last month and I ain't doing that anymore.

This weekend we finally went to a spring, after trying to go all summer long and being thwarted by storms, sickness, and general inability to get out the door. The springs are usually full up by 10am, but I guess a combination of them just re-opening and the kids being back in school meant they didn't close until after we got there.

They weren't kidding about it being flooded still; the water went well back into the treeline. But it was low enough to be safe, I guess... honestly, I don't know. They could have waited another week to open. The beach area where I'd assumed Toddler could play was completely gone, now just a muddy little walk-in to the swimming area. Poor kiddo didn't want to get into the cold water -- fair! -- and just kind of spent the time playing with a pool noddle.

CG had fun, at least. She kept saying it didn't feel as cold as last time and I pointed out that's probably because she's a bit bigger. She was still shivering by the end, but her lips weren't blue. The water, usually clear, was pretty murky. I don't know if that was a result of the higher water levels or all the people stirring up silt at the walk-in. Folks kept getting knee-deep and then retreating because it's, well, cold. What did they expect? Still, it is a shock if you haven't visited a spring before. Just gotta jump in and let your body go numb.

I'm glad we went; spring season is pretty much ending soon, as the days get less sweltering. You kind of need it to be 90 degrees just to recover from the cold after. In theory, the 72 degree water feels warm in the winter, but I haven't been brave enough to test it yet.

After all that swimming, CG still had energy to spare, and she remembered me saying we could practice biking to her school later in the afternoon. Despite me reminding her it would be a bit further than other trips we'd gone on and also had at least two intense hills, she still wanted to do it. So I strapped Toddler on the cargo bike, made sure we all had water and sunglasses, and away we went.

We had to stop for water three times, and once at the top of a hill for CG to catch her breath, but we did it! She was so proud of herself when we reached the school; she's been talking about wanting to bike to school for a few months now. I'm so proud and also a little bittersweet; she really will start biking this year, and then I won't have both my kids on my bike anymore. I knew some day they wouldn't both fit and I'd have to find a solution, which is why I've been working with her to get stronger at biking, but gosh, it feels like it came on all of a sudden.

CG is already talking about when she can bike to school for real. I'm trying to figure out when and how; we'd have to be able to leave early enough, since she bikes a lot slower than me and then there's the problem of retrieving her bike, since she still goes to afterschool at another place. Still! I will figure it out because I know how much I loved biking to school as a kid and I want to continue fostering her independence.

It's also that my own choice to bike them instead of driving feels like it's paid off. Not only do I get to talk to them on the bikeride in -- sometimes we sing, sometimes we point out cats, sometimes we get to see baby ducks -- but CG has developed an interest in biking and understanding that she can go places, too, and eventually on her own (although I have to remind her that there are Laws here, unfortunately, so it will be a few more years).

I've also noticed she has a much firmer grasp of our neighborhood and its surroundings. I read about a study a year ago that had kids draw a map of their route to school; the study found that kids who were driven often drew a very ambiguous map, little more than a line from their house to the school. Kids who walked or biked drew their entire neighborhoods, with important details like Big Tree and Friend's House.

It reminded me of how, when I returned to my childhood town as an adult, I could find my way around some areas just fine but was an absolute loss at others -- of course, the former were the roads I'd biked and the latter were the roads I'd been driven. Even now, trying to picture my town and the surrounding area, everything gets hazy at the edges of my biking route. When folks mention streets from where I grew up, I can't even place them, even if I recognize the names.

Anyway, just another perk of biking. I kind of want to give her the map test from the study and see how she does.
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I really needed those two days off. I feel a lot less like I'm going to burn my bridges at dayjob and strut out on my own with resume in hand, at least.

I've been wanting to swim/float the Ichetucknee River ever since we moved here and I have been thwarted at every attempt. Last year it was a hurricane, previous years it was COVID, other sicknesses. Well this year I checked their website daily and they were open, open, open. Right up until the day before, of course. Then suddenly, a warning that river access was suspended for floaters and swimmers due to high water levels.

I thought about throwing in the towel, maybe going to the beach instead. But instead I remembered a mention about Rainbow River and that it was a good state park. As it's much further south, they were unaffected by the flooding from Hurricane Debbie and were open. So I got the kids and the wife off to school/work and went by myself.

The last time I'd tubed a river was in my teens and I was a bit nervous. Felt a bit silly going by myself, too, but I wanted the space to be alone and actually think about my uncle, who he was, and how unfairly he'd been taken from us. I didn't know him as well as I should've, but I know he liked being outdoors and he liked just chilling--preferably with a beer in hand--and while I don't drink I could definitely chill.

The river was cold and it was bracing to slip in, but soon it felt great, especially with the hot midday sun on my back. I'm so glad I wore long sleeves. I spotted fish right away, and birds and turtles. And if I just looked at one side of the river, it was peaceful and beautiful.

Unfortunately, there are two sides to a river, and the other side had houses. WTF Florida. Why would you let people build right up to an otherwise pristine river, one that is famous for the manatees it houses and feeds in the winter? I could have mostly ignored them, except some folks were putting on a roof, some folks were mowing their lawn, and others were just out partying on their docks. Middle of the day Wednesday. All right.

So yeah, what would have been a great 2 hours on a river was instead interspersed with tinny music, loud lawnmowers, and persistent banging. Altogether, even though the water was nice and I did end up relaxing a bit, I'm really not inclined to go back.

Still, I got to have the space I needed and the time I needed and reflected, as needed.

When I got back to our town, I raided TJ's for snacks and food, got myself some birthday figs (since they're only ever in season in August), and even stopped by Barnes and Noble to pick up a friend's book. Then I went home and passed out like I'd just been up since 4am (I had), biked two kids to school (I did), cried a bunch (I had), and still had a cold (I did).

Thursday I promised myself I wouldn't try to do more than two things, and I sure succeeded in that. I spent almost the whole day reading GIDEON, outside of an hour break when I worked on a powerpoint for dayjob. It was really, really nice just to spend a day reading, and an engrossing book at that. Turns out, I do like GIDEON THE NINTH, once I've taken the time to get sucked into the story instead of the hoopla. I think I also needed to get past the opening, which I'd re-read twice and which really doesn't introduce the story or stakes well. Gideon's whole desperate desire to get away from the Ninth is barely a blip once the plot gets going. But the other characters were delicious, as well as the necromantic theorems and the underlying vibe that there's something deeply, deeply wrong with the entire universe. I really want to jump straight in to HARROW, as clearly she has some Shit to Process, but I'm going to read at least another book or two in-between as a palate cleanser.

Wild that we've still got a week left of August and I've read four books. Four! In a month! I haven't managed this since I was working at the county, pre-children. It feels good and normal and is absolutely something I want to keep doing.

I stopped myself just shy of finishing GIDEON yesterday so I could still have time to clean the house and cook. So basically, between the small adventure and the chores and errands and reading time, it was like having a real, honest-to-god relaxing weekend. If only I could throw in a bout of DnD with friends, it would be just like old times. But even without DnD, it was really, really nice. And maybe something I should do more often. I hear relaxing weekends make a comeback when the kids get older, but idk when.

In the meantime, yeah. I'm going to do that mid-week weekend again sometime soon.
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I resent the way adult illnesses always take 4-7 days to resolve, instead of the 24 hour bugs we used to catch as kids. Of course, the downside of those was all the vomiting and fever and nausea but idk... sometimes I'd rather just feel awful for a short period and be over it instead of the lingering.

Anyway this is day 3 or 4 of this cold and I would like to just sleep, even though I am also tired of sleeping.

I did go for a run on Saturday to take advantage of the cool weather and I do not regret it. Even though it was only 3km, the ease of it despite having a chest cold reminded me that I won't have to struggle to run forever; the humidity will break, the cool season will come, and I will have all of this endurance from pushing through all summer to actually go run long distances and have fun again.

Just. Like. One more month.

I made a book cake this weekend, for practice. CG saw the recipe in a Sprinklebakes book and insisted I make it for my birthday because I "love books and love making cake." Lol. She also said something about how I should make a coffee cup cake because I also love coffee. This girl gets me. Or maybe I'm just that simple.

I decided to practice the cake since it used several techniques/pieces that I haven't tried before. Namely, the cake itself (madeira, which is egg-heavy and dries out easily), fondant, sculpting, and lettering. I managed about 2 out of 4 of those all right, hah. But I let the cake bake too long and get too dry (the trouble with baking when kids are around) and the fondant didn't look terrible, but everyone still politely scraped it off their cake.

Still, it wasn't a complete failure and now I have some solid ideas on how to make it a lot better. Namely, maybe make the cake itself the day before while the kids are away, hah. Also maybe try to decorate the icing itself instead of fondant. As cool as fondant can be, if no one is going to eat it, what's the point?

Speaking of books, I finished Starter Villain in two days last week (mmm, candy) and just finished The Death I Gave Him this morning. The former was an easy breeze of a book to read, although it feels like Scalzi is starting to be a bit dated in his writing. The MC was supposedly someone in his early 30s, but everything about him screamed late 40s divorcee. The latter was a visceral sci-fi retelling of Hamlet with a lot - a lot - of character dissections, both figurative and literal. I ended up skimming the second half quite a bit and not missing much, but I also recognize there have been times in my reading life when I would have lapped up the excessive descriptions and metaphors. I've never read Hamlet itself before, but the story shape has been used so many times that it felt familiar. Still, I didn't expect that ending, and I loved that.

Next I'm picking up Gideon the Ninth for the seventh time. Maybe I'll actually finish it this time. Not Gideon's fault--it's got a great rhythm once I get into it, I just kept getting interrupted what with kids and everything. And it's been long enough that hopefully I can appreciate it for what it is, instead of tangled up with all the hype. Gideon definitely suffered from the Hype Machine, which tends to turn me off whatever media it's currently blasting. That plus it being The Necromancy Book the same year my own necromancy book came out, and never hearing the end of it...

But I want to give it a fair shake, so. Let's go again.
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It's been a long/short week. Dayjob pretty much took up every moment and I feel like I've been spit out the other end gasping and wrung-out. One good thing about this job is the PTO, so I've already scheduled two days off next week. It was going to just be one, but I get a day of bereavement for losing my uncle, too, so. I think I need that time not just to recover but to actually grieve; I haven't had a single moment to actually think about what it means that he's gone, and it keeps catching me by surprise, that reality. This reality.

CG started 2nd grade this week, too, and I'm surprised by how reassuring the rhythm of school is. As much as I dislike waking her up so early, it has been nice to know both kids will be out of the house by the time I'm supposed to start work. Summer was just all over the place with that. And the morning bike ride is fun, I do enjoy it, I guess I just needed the break.

I've changed our routine up a bit in the morning, as CG is older now and needs to be a bit more responsible. I used to just sit in her room, doing my Duolingo to try and wake her up, then helping her eat and get dressed, but now I'm opening her door, turning on her light, and waking her enough to ask what she wants for breakfast. Ideally, she gets dressed while I make breakfast and we all eat at the table together. Actually... that happened twice, hah. But it was nice, having her and Toddler sitting together and talking about the day ahead. Friday she even woke up before I came in and got dressed, then made her own eggs (which she ate on the couch while listening to the pilot episode of Welcome to Nightvale, so, not the table, but I'll allow it), so she had extra time to play on her computer. I'm hoping that'll work as incentive going forward, because the struggle to get her out of bed is real.

It's somehow 68 degrees this morning, which is such a relief after the 80+ slamming me in the face every day for the last month. Yesterday it was barely 90 and low humidity and I found myself actually enjoying being outside. It feels like fall might come, after all. Funny how 90 can feel so cool now...

I was hoping to go for a run this morning, to take advantage of the cool weather, but I don't know if this cold will let me. At least I can probably get CG to bike today--she's been very keen on getting strong enough to bike to school. Last Sunday, she even biked with me to the grocery store! That's 3 miles roundtrip, and the furthest she's been yet. She was very stoked, and I still am. We don't have public transportation in the US nor any other safe way for kids to get around, so it's been my goal for a while to ensure she can at least bike places. We've got the library down and now the grocery store; next up is probably her friend's house, then school.

I've seen a lot more people out biking and I sure hope this is a rising trend, because the line of cars at the high school is so depressing. I get some kids have to drive for work, but I'm pretty sure the majority are just driving because they can. And they're all backed up for days into every major road around the school as I zip by on my bike every morning.

This coffee might be cutting through the cold symptoms enough that maybe I can run after all...
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My uncle passed yesterday. He was the family member I mentioned obliquely before. He was only 70, which is much too young in this day and age.

My parents went out to be with my aunt -- my mom's sister -- for the last week. I'm so glad she has so much support around her. I can't even begin to imagine the pain, watching your loved one deteriorate so suddenly and so quickly.

They're not having a funeral but I hope the family does... something. I'm so grateful we got together last year, nearly that whole side of the family, because now I can remember my uncle's laugh and booming voice. And CG will remember him, if only vaguely. He was the kind of uncle who was actually a good, kind man, which... I think that excludes all of my other uncles. In a generation poisoned by toxic masculinity, he really stood out as a contrasting example of positive masculinity.

Speaking of funerals (wow, this sure is a year, huh), grandmum's has been lined up for late October. I just purchased our train tickets, which were a pretty penny more than I was expecting. But once I took into account that they're basically a hotel, plus transportation, plus two meals for four, plus not having to deal with a car, then the tickets seemed like a deal.

The only downside is I realized we'll be traveling late October (duh) overnight, which means... we might not see much outside the train windows. It'll be almost dark when we get on the train and definitely dark when we get off.

Anyway, now I need to figure out what to do with two kids in DC for a few days in late October. And also find a way to stop any other family members from getting sick. :/
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I vowed to read for 15-30min first thing every morning and by gods, I've managed it so far! Only one morning did I wake up too late to read, but I set myself down on my lunch break and did it instead. It's been very rewarding -- I realized I'd been using that time to wake up by browsing the tubes, so why not read, like, books?

I just finished Saint of Bright Doors yesterday, which was an astounding book. Definitely the kind of new, innovative, introspective and also socially critical kind of fantasy I've been expecting of a lot of other books that didn't quite hit all of those. A book to chew on, basically, and I can see why it's up for the Hugo Award. I love books that you can turn over and over again and find new perspectives, ideas, themes.

It's also why the next book I'm reading is a Scalzi one, lol. Starter Villain has an popcorn premise about taking over your estranged uncle's villain empire, and so far it's fun. It's definitely not a book with a lot of depth, but hey: sentient cats and explosions. I need something lighter after Bright Doors.

Once I realized this pattern of reading is actually working for me, instead of feeling like a chore, I set up a bunch of holds at the library for books I've been wanting to read. I feel so behind, which is silly but also very valid. It's hard to find time to read with kids, because they see you just "sitting there" and have to rescue you from a perceived boredom. And it's not that I'm not reading -- I have worked my way through all of Ursula Vernon's kid books and we're 4 books into the Animorphs series -- just not the ones in my genre.

I just hope I can continue this when school starts Monday. Not ready to go back to the 6am gauntlet. T_T But hopefully the kids will go to bed a little earlier...?? Who am I kidding.
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I think I've got one foot in depression. It's not all the way yet, but I can feel it creeping up on me. Some of it is the grief I haven't really allowed myself to feel for Grandmum's passing. Some of it is grief for another family member, who was diagnosed with something awful out of the blue six months ago and is now in hospice. Waiting every day on news that... yeah. Some of it is burnout from work. Some of it is my closeknit author group spontaneously combusting a few months ago, leaving me feeling alone and forgotten...

All that together is more than enough to feel sad, I guess. I was going to try to combat it this morning with a run, but then I opened the front door and was walloped by a wall of heat and humidity. Ugh, I can't. The problem with having lived up North is I learned to enjoy being a little chilly while I run, so now starting out hot is an absolute no go.

I gotta do something to move my body today, though. I really wanted to go for a swim yesterday, but meetings were weirdly spaced. I could do it today...

I got real wound up at work this week, and then called out on it. Another coworker who is chronically Not Telling Us Shit is out and I was taking heat for some of their projects. I got cranky because I don't know what's going on with their stuff and another coworker kindly pulled me aside to say they're out because their kid has been in the hospital (kid's okay now, but).

And I just kinda. Stopped. I realized I'd been working myself up about all these projects and folks wanting things with absurd turnarounds and on top of that getting called out in front of the whole team for things that aren't even in my control... and I realized, why do I care? As I tell everyone else, our job isn't a matter of life or death. What we do doesn't really matter on a grand scale. Sure, we're important to the credit union, but... so what?

I'm usually pretty good about distancing and perspective with dayjob, but I really let it get to me the last few months. It worms in when you're not looking, that sense that Dayjob is All Important. And maybe I let it because I wanted it to be. I don't have anything Important (I mean yes, kids are Important, but Society doesn't really seem to care about that) and I tried to make it so. Lady gets to run off at all times to her lab, the kids are growing and needing support and food and love, and I... make trainings. Whoop-de-doo.

To be clear, I often have fun at my job and enjoy what I do. But it's not going to change anything. It's not important. It's a paycheck that gives me flexibility to house-spouse, support my wife, support my kids, etc that not many jobs do. I just need to take a step back and get it out of my head.

So I'm taking a day off next week to swim the Ichetucknee and I'll take a few hours today to swim at the city pool and yeah, I'll take off early so I can make dinner today, too. And I'll care a little less about projects and timelines because who knows how much time we actually have on this little blue orb. This year has certainly been a reminder that it's often far less than we thought.
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I swear, we had more rain for this supposed nothing-storm than we did for any of the ones we actually prepped for. A little system was crawling away around the Caribbean for at least a week with predictions it would turn into a storm over the weekend. Everyone was like "nah, no way," and then she did. Went from a loose mess of clouds to a Tropical Storm to a Hurricane within 48 hours. Pretty impressive.

A little scary that it happened so fast.

Thankfully, the early warning let me also warn dayjob I might be out and get some extra groceries over the weekend. Then we picked up around the house on Sunday and that... was it. I didn't think we'd get enough wind/rain for daycare to close and I didn't bother putting the chickens in the garage. The rain started mid-afternoon Sunday and then just. Didn't. Stop.

It's still drizzling now; I biked to crossfit in the drizzle and it was pretty pleasant. Only one downed tree in my way, a lot of sticks and leaves littering the roads.

Anyway, all in all everything was fine. Just more storm than I was expecting, but our yard drained like a champ and the chickens had enough cover to be fine, if a bit damp. My wife and I tried to work regardless -- of course this was a heavy meeting day for me -- so the kids got free reign of the TV. I hate it, but also what can you do. And it's good for them to just rot every once in a while and understand perhaps in their bodies if not their minds why we don't let them do that more often.

I'd made macarons the day before; my Birthday Month stretch goal is to bake New Things, and I started with one that's both new and personally challenging. Whenever egg whites feature heavily in a bake, I'm pretty much guaranteed to fail and egg whites are key for macarons. So I took it slow and careful and read the directions 100 times and... actually got it! The meringue, at least. There were some other technical flaws in the macarons -- the heat on our over must be off, they were all different sizes, and I couldn't quite figure out the flat top technique -- but they tasted good and both kids kept asking for another. I'll chalk that up to a win.

All that is to preface the part of the day when I was on a call with my coworkers and Toddler comes running through, shirtless, torso streaked with chocolate ganache, curls bouncing, yelling, "DO YOU WANT MACARON??"

A++, would make macarons just for that moment again.

By 2pm we were all a little squirrely and by 3pm, the wind had started to abate. The rain hadn't, but we grabbed umbrellas and went out anyway to survey the damage. As reported above: not much. The power only went out once, and that was before the storm proper, and only for 30min. Lots of debris, though.

The kids then dropped their umbrellas and played in the rain, chasing leaves down the gutter and making dams. It was a nice moment of sanity after being stuck inside all day.

It's still pittering rain and it's supposed to all day, but daycare's open and life goes on. I'm just glad this wasn't a big storm -- only a cat 1 when it hit land -- but it does make me more nervous about bigger storms. As I told another friend, though: if we, inland as far as we are, ever have to truly worry about a hurricane, then the rest of the state is fucked.
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Between day job and house spousing, I'm feeling trapped again. This seems to happen any time one demands more time than I have and I'm forced to let other things go. It also seems to be coming from the week solo-parenting where my duties really weren't any more than they usually are.

In a fit of feeling trapped, I tried to figure out if I could retire even earlier -- say, when Toddler goes to kindergarten in two years. At that point, we could drop childcare entirely and save a hefty sum. I was so excited for a little bit at the prospective, but the more calculations I do, the more impossible it seems. There's still a gap of 20k in our finances if I quit altogether, even if I'm frugal and skimp and save. I still need to contribute to my actual retirement, which we'd be fine with now if I could just ride it out the next seven years.

If only publishing could bring a modicum of certainty. 20k seems so doable in any other field, but hah hah, not publishing. It's so frustrating that even the publishing houses like to treat authors like they just have a little hobby, and that the money isn't actually necessary for their continued existence. The way pub dates and therefore pay dates get pushed around entirely at the publisher's whim, or broken up into smaller and smaller pieces. If an advance were still truly an advance -- that is, money to live on while the writing gets done -- then it might be more doable. As is...

But the other side of this dream/need is I want to be there for the kids. I don't want CG to have to go to afterschool care forever. I want her to be able to come home after school, do her homework, see her friends, do any activities she might need to. Same with Toddler. And summers... I'm definitely jealous of some of the parents who can take weeks off to spend time with their kids and just enjoy their family. I'm sure it brings it's own stressors, but I can't help but want more unstructured time for both of ours.

On the other, other side, all of their friends are also in daycare/childcare. So like... it's just normal for this generation, as much as I dislike it.

Either way, two years is still a long ways out. So much could change--so much has changed in just the last two years. My workload has increased on both fronts, but as the kids get older, they'll be able to help more--and need less help. Toddler has stopped inconsistently waking up early and now can be expected to sleep past 6.30am. Just knowing I won't be interrupted during my only writing hours makes a huge difference.

And I have this WIP that isn't supposed to be anything but now feels like it could be something. I re-read it a few days ago, and it's not bad. I could use it to get a new agent, try a new stab at publishing, etc.

So I think, that's ultimately what I'm going to do. I'm going to write/rewrite/revise this WIP over the next year and then yeet it into the ether. Going on the 2-year timeline, that would give me at least a year to sell it. Entirely plausible, even possible at my snail-pace. And then maybe, maybe, if it sells I'll get that 20k I need to quit my job. It'll be precarious and scary, but never enough that I'd have to worry about losing the house or anything that big.

In the meantime, I can practice frugality, save as much as we can. I've already talked to Lady about most of this, and while she doesn't like having to think about money as much as we did in our 20s, she also knows I've been constantly on the edge of burning out -- if not actually burnt out several times.

I just... I want a second chance at my dream. For a few glorious years, I had it, and even if it burned in unexpected ways, it was exactly what I'd wanted. At least this time I know exactly what I'm getting into and I know the kind of support I need. So there's that.
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Dr Lady is back! Like I said, the kids weren't even that bad this time, but solo-parenting during the week when I can have a break because of daycare versus solo-parenting over the weekend is a whole 'nother level. I'm glad she was back and able to help by the weekend because, well. It's just a lot.

This weekend I dragged our mom friend to the library to make sure she got a library card and then showed her the kid's cookbook section. She's mentioned before that she doesn't know the first thing about cooking, but I don't think I fully internalized what she meant until she mentioned she didn't know how to pick fruits and veggies out at the store. I had showed her CG's cookbooks that I'd gotten earlier in the week, so now she has a few of her own to go through and try things out. She relies way too heavily on Instacart and fast food, but she needs tools to do anything else so hopefully these are some first steps.

Then I took her and her kids home, tossed some spaghetti on the stove, chopped up some veggies and fruit, and fed them all dinner for the second time in a week. I really, really have missed feeding friends; I managed it once or twice with the queer parents we'd met (who then moved away) but it's harder to pin anyone else down. I always feel like I've got some kind of magic when I'm able to spin up a meal for others. I even made chocolate chip cookies while all four kids played bingo on the living room floor and it rained heavily outside.

Speaking of friends... unfortunately, the rain meant the 30-something meet-up I was aiming to go to that evening was canceled. :( I've been trying to make new friends all year long but it's so hard. Nobody else seems willing to meet me even 1/4 of the way, so I do all the work for a bit and then just let it die. So I was stoked to see a bunch of nerds my age and seemingly feeling the same way were planning on getting together at a non-brewery and actively thinking about ways to socialize. Some of them even have kids! But then the rain caused flash floods and other dangerous things and it canceled.

There's potentially another meet-up this weekend, but its 20s-30s which... no shade on folks in their 20s, but that's just a different life, y'know? And I'm going to be turning 38 in exactly a month, so I'm not sure if it's worth it.

IDK. Making (and keeping!) friends as an adult is hard.

Especially when work is being such Work. I swear, I've got 3 different projects all due at the same time out of nowhere, folks requesting edits on other projects with 24 hour turn-arounds, and I've just been so exhausted at the end of every day for several weeks now. Nevermind trying to have a life outside of work, which is absolutely not what I wanted with this job. I'd been really good about setting boundaries and maintaining some semblance of work-life balance, but somehow that's all been torn to shreds. And it's August, this is supposed to be the doldrums. Compliance season is about to ramp up and I have to admit I'm getting nervous.

I wish I could retire sooner. I wish we didn't need to have both parents working to afford kids/mortgage/everything. I've thought a few times about how we could downsize, if needed, but the reality is we got this house before everything went nuts and there's no way we could find anything cheaper without losing friends and schools. And the other reality is we need the health insurance that comes with my job. That alone is pretty much worth my paycheck again, what with Lady's health needs.

Nothing is going to change, so I need to just keep scraping what minutes and moments together that I can and hope like hell I don't get the rug pulled out from under me when it's finally time to retire. That's the hardest thing, you know, trusting the future. I thought I'd stop working when Lady got out of grad school, then when the kids were both out of daycare, then maybe when Lady got tenure. But health things keep cropping up, getting more expensive, etc, and I just feel so stuck.
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The nerve pain has largely stopped, so yay: antivirals! The only downside is they make me feel like I've taken nightquil instead for a few hours afterwards, so I have to time them right. That is: not when I first wake up, so I'm still able to get the kids ready. Unfortunately, that only leaves right before work instead, which has definitely made it difficult to make any progress.

I have a meeting with my boss today (now yesterday*). We are going to have a Talk. Thankfully, I've been in this role for far longer than he's been in charge and I also have the confidence that comes with Knowing My Shit. I'm honestly mostly just frustrated that less than six months ago both managers promised to avoid just these situations and yet, here we are.

On the writing front, I was deep in the doldrums last week, lost all momentum, am now almost a week behind in Camp NaNoWriMo, and ready to throw in the proverbial towel (or at least whine a lot)... and of course that means I've finally had a Big Realization about the plot and worldbuilding that might just save this whole mess. That's how it goes, huh.

That said, I probably won't finish this draft by August (which is next week aaaaaah), which Matters because I'm considering taking a proper break from writing for that month. Every August, I try to do something that I haven't had the time or guts for, that will expand my abilities or give me a chance to breath. This year, I think I'm going to *gasp* use my morning writing time to read, instead.

I'd gotten into a daily grove of reading back in... uh... January, only for that to fall to pieces after only a month or so. What with not doing the queer books list and now not even reading, I feel like I'm so out of touch with SFF. Anyway, it's something I've been needing to do but not managing in any functional way, so honestly August works perfectly for experimenting to see if morning reading does any better.

It doesn't mean I can't write, just the guaranteed quiet I have in the morning will be dedicated to books instead.

(*I didn't finish this yesterday, so update on boss meeting: I outlined exactly how they needed to get me content if they wanted a completed training in time and then emphasized that I need to be in these projects sooner; a large part of the problem with this project is the folks running it have no idea what they're doing, unfortunately, and I didn't realize that until I was knee-deep in other projects. So. No leaving me out until the last minute anymore, folks.)

Two more days until Dr Lady comes back. I swear, this has been the easiest solo-week. CG must be trying extra hard to listen and play with Toddler and I gotta find a way to let her know how much I appreciate it. She's such a sweet child and she really cares--almost too much, sometimes. I try to be clear that she can be upset, she can be frustrated, that's all okay and normal and I hope she listens.

Some of the easiness is also because I just... have a groove down. And I hate to admit it's easier when I'm not trying to navigate/negotiate with another parent, which sounds terrible, but I really am a bit of a control freak. Not knowing what's going to happen/how things are going to go stresses me out, which is why every morning not knowing if I'm going to get help is stressful and every evening, not knowing when Lady is going to come home is stressful.

That said, without another parent, I also can't do anything outside of daycare hours. I am so looking forward to joining my regular 5am crossfit class next week and going for a run early Saturday. I saw several runners on my way home from dropping the kids off yesterday and I swear I looked at them like a starving person would look at cake (or me at cake, I love cake). I yearn.

And, to be clear, I miss her. Everything might have gotten 10x harder in the last two years, but I still love my wife.
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It's shingles! Hahah, omfg. Sorry, I just... of all the things. Of course I've had chickenpox, everyone in my generation has, and I knew I'd have to get a shingles vaccine when I hit 50, so I guess I merged those facts as meaning I wouldn't get shingles until after 50.

The doc said anyone can get shingles. Thanks, doc.

I'm on antivirals in the hopes to slow or stop it. We're probably out of the initial 3-day window where I could've gotten rid of it fast, but since it's on my ear and therefore near my eye, the doc wanted to be extra careful. I've even got a follow up on Friday in case it doesn't improve. Who knew the medical system could be useful?

I'm annoyed but relieved it's not something worse. Shingles explains the random shooting nerve pain, the lymphnode swelling, and now the weird blisters on the outer part of my ear. I did a brief google to see what else I could expect and apparently shingles can get pretty wretched, so wow, glad I went in.

Dr Lady made it successfully to her conference, despite the ongoing fallout from the Crowdstrike fiasco. She sent me a pic of several monitors in the airport with the BSOD on display. A lot of her fellow conference-goers had a hard time getting there as well.

I dropped her at the airport on Sunday and then spent the rest of the day at my parents' house, which was a good, if last minute, call. I got to wear out both kids in the lake and then give them a super early bedtime, which I needed, too. Things went mostly well except for when we passed the airport and Toddler started freaking out, saying we needed to pick up Lady. I had a moment of how did he even know we were passing the airport before reminding him it would be 5 sleeps until Lady was back. That didn't work immediately, but he did calm down by the time we got home.

So far, solo-parenting has felt easier than the last few times. IDK if Cabin Girl is just trying harder or what but they've been fighting a lot less. Actually, last night was super cute: we all got home, CG asked for a specific song, I played it on the speakers, and then we all started dancing. We replayed the song several times and must've just rocked out in kitchen for 10min straight. Then CG and Toddler started chasing each other and wrestling and I had a moment of just yeah, this is exactly what I wanted.

Last night was also CG's taekwondo class and I was a little worried about taking Toddler along because he gets so squirrely, but even though he was worming all over my lap, by the last part of class he was standing next to my seat, trying to copy CG's moves. It was so cute.

Siblings! Sometimes they're the best!!

Which is good, because dayjob: what the fuck. The other boss for our department put a meeting on my calendar for 10.15am for a project I'm working on, right after the time I'd blocked out for my doctor visit. I panicked a little, because at the time I still thought I'd have to get my blood drawn and therefore probably wouldn't be back at 10.15 exactly, but it turns out I got out early. Then I was annoyed because I'd been planning on going to Crossfit at 10am if I could, but...

Anyway, that's not the wtf. The wtf is finding out the month, month and a half I'd spent creating a training was wasted. She wanted something entirely "fresh" and she wanted it by September. Which would be fine... if that was the only thing I had to work on between now and September. But I have one training I'm wrapping up this week (on generative AI, and wow, I don't pull punches in that one) and another one I should have started yesterday, which I pointed out pretty much filled my dance card, sorrynotsorry, and Other Boss had the gall to say "well, some things will need to be re-prioritized."

Hahah, yeah? Which one, then? The training that has been promised to the head of HR by Aug 1 or the training that's a full-on compliance requirement?? (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻

I wouldn't be so pissy if this was the first time this happened and if they hadn't asked me to revise their training twice already. This project in general is just a disaster. I don't know how it's going to get done, but they are not getting overtime out of me in August. That's when school starts and hurricane season ramps up and I usually take a breather from all the summer projects.

Sigh. Anyway. Just seven more years. I only have to do this job for seven more years.
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Been trying out that no caffeine right away thing all week and it's great on Crossfit mornings, I hardly even notice that lack of caffeine, but some reason it sucks extra on non-Crossfit mornings. I've tried going for a walk instead, which hasn't really helped, and this weekend I'm trying a run. But the two mornings I had free to write I ended up waiting until I could have coffee first. 😅

That said, the days I successfully delayed caffeine actually do seem a little better. For one, I'm far less irritable in the morning. Hahaha, who could have predicted that...(/s). And I get tired later in the day than my typical mid-morning. Which has been great for work productivity, less so for writing.

(I just checked to see if I mentioned why I was testing this and apparently I thought about writing it down several times but never did. Well, tl;dr -- several times in the past few weeks I've come across research on the benefits of delayed caffeine intake and then last week when I was dizzy and tired during a workout, one of the other crossfitters who also happens to be a nurse mentioned it so, well, I figured it was the universe's way of saying "hey Kai. maybe you should try this.")

Right now I have 30min to go and a headache and I already went for a walk-run but all I want is that sweet, sweet caffeine.

Oh another note, there might be something else entirely causing the fatigue. I had sudden pain up and down my neck last Sunday resolving into soreness around my ear. Went to urgent care, they noted my lymph was swollen, then treated me for an ear infection. I dutifully took my antibiotics and ear drops and noted to Dr Lady that at least I'd feel better within a day, because infections usually go away quickly.

Wellll.... not so much. Nothing has gotten better and I started to panic a little mid-week because I don't have a PCP right now -- I got my shit together and found one, but my new patient appointment with her isn't until almost October. And of course Webmd says a swollen lymph node is one of two things, and as usual, one of those things is cancer.

The most likely thing is it's a viral infection related to whatever's been causing me to feel like shit. But I still need to see a doc and rule out the alternative, which hasn't been helping my anxiety in the least. I had a full on panic attack last week for the first time in at least a year. 🙃

Anyway after several days of going to everyone I could think of, by Friday afternoon I finally have an appointment with a random nurse of Monday. Yay!

Now I have the weekend to focus on Lady going to a conference and leaving me on my own all next week... 😬
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Finally out of that fatigue spell. I erroneously said it had only been a few days last entry, but looking back, this one's lasted at least eight days. And upon further reflection, most of them last a week, not just 2-3 days. The worst of it is typically only that long, and those are the days that I can hardly function at all.

I don't know if it was the length of this one or the timing or the feeling like I was finally free of them before it hit or that this one threw all of my fledgling hypotheses about the why and when of it out the window, but I'm finally grappling with this as an ongoing, disabling event. I have had to change my life and make different choices and stop doing things I love because of it.

It's frustrating on about 100 different levels, but right now I'm frustrated because I really thought I had a chance to improve at running, improve at swimming, improve at lifting, improve at literally anything physical but I just... can't. I thought I'd finally be able to run a 10k and trained for it in January, February, March, only to be hit by that weird fever and another fatigue spell the week before the 10k race. It took me weeks to recover that time. This time, I was walking every day and just diving into (hah) swimming when I got hit again.

I swear to all the gods that are holy and not that if this turns out to be exercise-related, ie I can only do so much before hitting the fatigue ceiling, I am going to throw a fit. I am not doing that much, I have been very intentional and careful about increasing my mileage, speed, etc, and I want to do these things.

I was trying to figure out tips for speed and distance a few months ago, around the time I was training for the 10k, and I kept running across (hah) the fact that most serious runners run almost every day. I couldn't wrap my head around it at the time -- it seemed impossible. Every day? How do they deal with the exhaustion? The fatigue?

And maybe that's when I started to wonder if I just can't anymore. I used to. Before kids, when we lived in Tucson, I would do crossfit 3x a week, run 3x a week, and also go for long, strenuous hikes on the weekend. I felt amazing and I could have handled more, if I had the time. I didn't have to choose whether to go for a run that morning or be able to keep up with the kids that afternoon. TBF I didn't have kids, but...

To be honest, this is really difficult for me because it feels like the one thing I have left. I had to give up so much over the past few years, but at least I had running. I had lifting. I was just beginning to incorporate "being strong" back into my self. But now even that's in jeopardy.

I don't know. I just. I don't know. I'm the one who takes care of others, I'm the one who can go-go-go, I tough it out and get through, but apparently that can't be me anymore.

I'll see a doctor in a few months, and they'll run some blood tests, and ultimately find nothing. And then it'll just be a shrug and a "well, just do less" and deal with it.
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I'm in a fatigue spell and it sucks. Usually they only last a day, but this one is ending its day three. I was able to do a bit yesterday despite my eyes trying to close half the time but it hit me hard today.

I cried in front of the kids because I was so frustrated and tired, and it's either I cry or I yell. I hate that I have a temper when I feel like shit, and I've definitely made progress toward catching myself before I burst, but gosh darn, all that progress goes out the window when I can barely function and the kids are just constantly at each others' throats.

I just wish I knew why I get these spells. Food tracking was supposed to give me some clue, but I ate better* (*hitting goals for fiber, iron, protein, b12, etc) than I have in weeks and it still hit me. And my theory as to it being menstrual cycle-related has gone out the window, because this one hit at an entirely different time of that.

It's not the sleep -- I've had far less and been fine. It's not the kids -- this never happened with CG. I can't be a hundred percent sure this never happened before I had COVID two years ago, but it sure as hell has been pretty regular since.

I just have no idea and it frankly scares me. Am I just going to always have 2-3 days every month or two that I'm non-functional? I have honestly no hope that going to a doctor would help. None of my labs have ever come back abnormal. I just have to adapt and hope that it doesn't get worse.

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