Flamethrowers and Umbrellas

First off, thank you all for your well wishes! I've been having a hard time commenting lately because frequently I have one (or both) hands occupied by a small human, but I do have a ton of time to read.

Half the day I spend trapped under a baby. The other half I try to get life done. I guess sleep happens in there somewhere?

On the one hand, the days and nights are blurring together and before I know it, it's time to sleep (for a few hours) or wake up or it's the next day. I'm a little sad about this, but also completely okay with the way time is just... going, because then the newborn phase will be over with before we know it and maybe we can both get an uninterrupted 4 hours of sleep again. Soon.

While I have come to enjoy spending the midnight hours with Lady Jr, the lack of sleep is hard. I've noticed my anxiety spiking the more exhausted I get, so I'm trying to be better, but... yeah. Lady is also having a hard time. Honestly, no one does well on little sleep.

In other news, I can write again. I'm so so glad that weird no-imagination thing did turn out to be related to pregnancy hormones. It was a little scary. But then it was like the switch was turned back on and suddenly I can write 500 words, easy peasy, again.

In other other news, I have further progress on the cryptic news front. There is the growing potential for something both incredibly awesome and incredibly challenging. I got more deets today and it's like holy shit - I really hope this is a thing that happens, but wow will it be way more work and commitment in a really short time than I could have expected. Considering the short timeframe, hopefully I'll know whether or not this is a thing very soon. In the meantime, cross your fingers for me.

In other other other news, my wife's birthday is this weekend and I have no idea what to do for her since we're both covered in newborn and kind of out of it. Totally open to suggestions.

- It's my last day at work before I start maternity leave. I'll be 40 weeks on Monday, so I figured that was a good a time as any to take off. Of course right now I feel 100% fine and like I'll be pregnant forever, so I might as well go into work. We'll see how I feel in a few days.


- Lady has had an ingrown toenail for the last two months. She finally got in to see a foot doc yesterday, who took one look at it and was like, hey - our next appointment canceled. Want to do minor foot surgery now?

So she did and now hopefully all she has to do to have the ability to walk like a normal person again (for the first time in over a year) is heal. Of course, cutting off and chemically burning a portion of toe/toenail is going to take a few days to heal from and right now she's in pain, unable to stand/walk for more than a few minutes, and probably shouldn't be driving. We're a bit of a pair.


- I put up happy lights in my office and it's made 100% of a difference.


- It's been 80 here the last few days. I was promised cold and snow and frost. Come on, weather - it's October! In Michigan! Can we stop with the warm weather already? I just want to shove my face into a snowbank.


- I'm registered to vote in Michigan. Woo! I looked up the ballot and tried to find info on the local issues. I figured the local newspaper would have info. Ahahaha - nope. All they have are articles about Orangey McOrangeFace. Wtf. I also tried google. Nada. I'm both surprised and not at all surprised.


- I miss having friends. It's been incredibly lonely here. That coupled with being stuck home all day is enough to bring the depression creeping back. I don't really know what to do about it, though. Work goes until 7pm and I can't take the car every day. I also haven't been able to bike because it just physically hurts. I'm really hoping that after baby, enough will change that I'll be able to go out and make friends. At least I'll be able to walk further than a mile, bike to other places, and start Crossfit again. I really don't like being this isolated. :<


- On the one hand, I'm a little afraid of the pain of labor and the sudden, crushing responsibility of caring for a newborn. On the other hand, I am 100% done being so physically limited. I can just barely tie my own shoes and get out of bed, but everything takes three times as much effort as it once did. As I mentioned above, I can barely walk a mile before the pain becomes too much. I can still lift a little, but even simple movements leave me breathless. And forget about running. God, I want to run so badly. The weather has been perfect.

I don't think I fully realized how much I'd made being active part of my identity in the past few years until I was forced to take it slow. I miss the rush of a hard workout and the victory of a heavy lift and the aching soreness of muscles pushed just far enough.

Soon, soon, if not soon enough.

First off: still pregnant. 38 weeks as of yesterday. As of Oct 1st I will be actively encouraging Lady Jr to evict herself, but until then let's just not.


Second off: Somehow I survived the Week from Crunchtime Hell at work. We got the two projects out the door ahead of schedule and I've been in recovery mode ever since. We still have revisions this week, but those haven't come in yet and shouldn't take too much time.


I kind of realized that I really like this job last week. It's the first job I've had where I'm encouraged to go off on my own and do things and then come back and show them off. I get a lot of room to be creative and take risks, which can be a little terrifying sometimes, but for the most part I've gotten really good feedback. It can be stressful for sure, but at least at the end of the day I often feel like I've accomplished something.

Third off: I am 900% looking forward to time off and maybe hoping Lady Jr will come a bit early so I can take off that much sooner. Right now, still planning on working until my due date, but I'm also dialing it down and taking a lot more breaks.


Fourth off: My anxiety seems to be increasing. We are so close and yet so many terrible things could still happen. I'm still afraid to assume everything will be all right. And I have to resist the urge to shake anyone else who assumes so, because even though I know jinxing isn't a thing, it's hard not to hedge and worry.


Fifth off: IT IS FINALLY AUTUMN. It is windy and fifty degrees and gorgeous and for the first time since July, my hands are not on fire. I am also still wearing short sleeves.


Sixth off: Vague-journaling is still cool, right? Well I got really good news last week, but it's been weird because I have zero emotional energy so I haven't been excited about it. Yet this is probably a good thing because it's going to be a few more weeks before I find out if that news is shareable (i.e. best news vs aw dammit oh well news) so at least I won't be constantly thinking about it. I fully expect to find out one way or another at the most inopportune time, so if you never hear anything again about this, then it didn't pan out.


Seventh off: Child care is atrociously expensive and now I 100% understand why so many women never go back to work. What's the point when it costs as much to put your kid up as you make? I mean, thankfully, I make a little more than that, but wow.

I am so ready for fall. Or a/c. Whichever comes first.

Yesterday it was 90 and humid. Today it will be 85 and humid. Our portable a/c can only do so much. I've been escaping in the afternoon to cafes, but coming back is miserable because it is not. cooling. down. Walking into a wall of sticky, thick heat in your own home is the worst.

But just a few more days of this. Then we'll either have a/c - due for installation Tuesday - or it will be getting cool enough at night to be bearable. I check the weather five to seven times every day, hoping tomorrow will be cooler. Spoiler alert: nope.

Anyway, this is short term. I just have to get through the next few days. Just the ick plus the massive amount of mosquitoes means I've been even more of a homebody and I don't like it.

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I will be 36 weeks come Monday (lol so I'm 35.5 but you can't blame me for rounding up). I did a birthday/maternity shoot last week, complete with barbell: photos here, if you're int. It was fun, but I want one with Lady and I together, so we have a date set with a real photographer next week. Hard part of being the One with the Camera is finding someone else to take photos sometimes.

Everything is baby-related right now, and likely will stay that way for the next few months. No more apologies - this is my life. Physically, in that I am increasingly limited in what and how much I can do (like sitting up or going for long walks or literally anything). Also in that I have this big bulge in the middle of my body that is either a) constantly in the way, b) squirmy, or c) rock hard and kind of painful. I have come to the painful realization that if I'm busy and on my feet in the morning, then I will be useless the rest of the day. It sucks because I keep reading about all these amazing ladies who are running/hiking long distances/100% living their lives at 39+ weeks and here I am laid out on the floor after a super easy 20min bike ride trying to get the braxton hicks to stop and be able to breathe again.

But pregnancy is different for everyone. Right? Right - well that's what I'm telling myself.

It is really hard not to have certain expectations, though, and harder still not to feel disappointed in myself when I don't live up to them.

I turn 30 on Wednesday. It will be the first time I've worked on my birthday, which I'm a little bummed about but I can't really get around. There are a ton of meetings and I don't have any vacation/sick time left and I work at home anyway, so -

For the past five years, I've tried to make August into a small festival just for me. By making a cake each week or having special dinners or just making time for the things that make me happy. But this August has flown by without any of that, too chaotic from the move and visits and my own exhaustion.

In a way, it's fitting. I'll be hitting 30 having just bought a house, a car, and with a Lady Jr on the way. I couldn't adult more than this. Funny how I never really considered those things when I thought about turning 30 before - mostly I just wanted to have a book published by now. Yet writing is the last thing I'm doing these days.

Usually I try to set goals for my birthday, like birthday resolutions in lieu of New Year's. But this year I recognize that I have no idea what's coming. So I'm just going to go with the flow until I'm deposited on a shore somewhere and can start gathering my wits and planning again.

There is one thing I want to focus on for 30 and onwards, though, and I've already started working towards, and that's becoming strong. When I think of myself as a mom and as a Real (TM) Adult, the version I like best is the one who can lift anything and do anything and has the endurance and strength for both.

I'm not sure how to tackle this mentally, but physically - well, as an early birthday present, I filled out my bumper plate set. I can now deadlift up to 235# in the garage gym, even though right now I can barely do 160#. I want to stay strong for labor and beyond and now I have 100% no excuses. My goal until then is to visit the garage every day, even if I don't do heavy lifting.

And then after baby and recovery, I want to work on getting back to my old PR's - and surpassing them. Maybe even compete, but we'll see when I get there. I've seen and met so many badass 30 and 40-year old ladies who can deadlift 300# that I know it's 100% possible - and I want to be one of those badass ladies. I want to be that role model for Lady Jr and every other girl out there. That's where I see myself in my 30's.

As for writing... I can only trust that will come back to me. In dribs and drabbles my imagination has begun turning back on again, but I'm afraid to force it. And it sucks because I have a story that is perfect to tell right now - about the after effects of global warming, about strength and resilience, about diseases spread by mosquitoes, about phage therapy - but I can't see it.

I don't know how to get that back except to be patient and to make room for it. So that's my other goal. A little bit of room each day just for writing. I can do that.

See you soon on the other side.

Even though it's too late to share on the actual DITL community, I took the pics, so I'mma gonna post it here. The DITL before last actually fell on our closing day, I just didn't have a computer to process the photos until the following weekend.



( In which our heroine buys a house. )

We spent more time at the dealership buying our new car than we did at the title company, buying our house. Of course, that's ignoring the 30 days we spent emailing documents back and forth with the bank, but still. We went and sat down and the sellers arrived and exactly one hour later, we had keys and a handshake and were released to do whatever the hell we wanted with either.

Of course we went straight to the house. Our house. Unlocked the door, stepped inside, and thought, holy shit what have we done.

The house was still just as pristine as when we'd viewed it. Someone had recently mown the lawn. The windows are all so very clean that we spent several hours inside wondering how it was getting warmer before a clever soul realized that there was a second window. What. I mean, cool - we basically have triple-paned windows, but who the fuck puts the screen inbetween??

We've already identified a number of small fixes. Leaky faucet in the kitchen. Front doorknob likes to just keep turning instead of opening or locking. The prop for the mudroom (side door?) screen door just kind of... fell off. But honestly the big stuff is all good. New furnace, newish water heater, new carpet, functioning fridge. Gotta try out the stove today. And later, we'll have internet.

For now, though, I need to get back to trolling Craigslist for a washer/dryer.

- Don't travel with cats.

- If you must travel with cats, accept that no, your cat will not shut up by the third minute, hour, or day. They will keep yowling even as they fight falling asleep. They will yowl in the hotel room. They will yowl in your sleep. You will hear phantom yowls even when there are no cats around.

- We are driving as fast as we can and taking as short of breaks as possible because a certain somecat thinks she is dying every time we slow down/stop the car/go to a rest stop and it is Very Stressful.

- A certain somecat also won't stop walking on top of people trying to sleep or meowing every 1-3min at night or otherwise making chaotic yet constant noise.

- A certain pregnant lady has had three nights of very little/very bad sleep and is not feeling favorable to a certain somecat.

- Do. Not. Travel. With. Cats.

- Next move, Kona is getting tranquilized.

I took a trip down memory lane yesterday, popping back through LJ over the years - well, over the July's.

Six years ago, at the end of July, we moved from Seattle to Tucson.

Eight years ago, at the end of July, we moved from Florida to Seattle.

Today, at the end of July, we'll finish packing and filling the POD outside our kitchen window. We won't leave until Tuesday because of appointments and painting and apartments and hotels, but we'll be continuing the age-old tradition of moving at the height of summer.

That first time we moved, we shoved everything we owned into a car and drove across the entire country. It was an epic drive and we saw many parts of the country we'd never seen before, staying with family along most of the way. I still remember the way the car struggled mightily through the Rockies and the Cascades, the way we passed through miles and hours and days of cornfields until suddenly we hit the Badlands, the way Seattle and the Sound opened up in front of us and we were there, we had done it. We'd escaped Florida.

That second time we moved, we had help moving boxes and furniture from the third floor to the truck. Lady's dad came out just to drive the truck with us down the west coast, through rain forests and redwoods and strange, dry hills, through the insane traffic of LA (never again), and then across the desert, this alien land increasingly populated by stiff, towering cacti. That trip I couldn't do anything but stare out the window, struck by the stark scenery. I'd seen a little of the SW before - once to visit while Lady interviewed, once to house-hunt - but driving through it was something else.

And now this third time, what will we see? Nevada, Colorado, Nebraska, then the comforting sameness of the midwest. New places and old, a mix just like our new home. I've been to the midwest a hundred dozen times, but never lived there. I've lived at that latitude, with snow and darkness and beautiful summers, but not with two cats, not in our own house, not with a baby incoming.

There's still a lot to do. We're maybe 2/3rds packed and then we have to clean and paint and make sure the cats have everything they need and make sure what we need will fit in the car and say goodbye (I'm so bad at goodbyes) and then go. It's going to be a crazy few last days, but that's just how it goes.

And in another two (three?) July's, we'll get to do this again.