Flamethrowers and Umbrellas

(tw: calorie counting and exercise talk again)

( Food tracking talk beneath the cut because it's mostly tedious )

Exercise-wise, I took CG & her friend to the city pool again this weekend and they are both fairly confident swimmers now, so I was able to go off on my own for a bit. And friends, friends. I know I love to swim, but I think I forget how much I love to swim. Itty bitty home pools are fine, I guess, but the city pool is lorge and I can just swim and swim without having to stop and turn around.

That's something I love about swimming in the ocean or large bodies of water, but I don't have easy access to either of those. Plus, the ocean kinda scares me these days. It's big and strong and I don't know my own strength when it comes to swimming. There's always this underlying fear that I'm going to swim too far and not make it back.

But swimming in the city pool has got me wanting to get better at swimming, so I can tackle the ocean without fear. I've looked for adult swim classes before, but they're all geared toward absolute beginners; I just want to learn proper strokes and improve efficiency. I finally found a scuba shop that appears to offer just that, but their next set of lessons start the week my wife is away. So I guess... I will just keep an eye on them and see if they have more in September. That would mean right after my birthday, which would be a good birthday gift/goal...

In the meantime, I've got my parents' lake to practice in as well as said city pool. I'm thinking of swapping one of my weekly runs for a swim instead, since it's just so dang humid. I swear I felt like I was breathing soup this weekend. I love running, but not when I'm dripping sweat from my elbows just 5min in.

Of course, when I was researching swim lessons, I stumbled upon our city's triathlon group. While there's no way I'd ever do a real triathlon (a marathon on top of everything else??), apparently every spring they have a Try-Tri, where the running portion is just 1 mile and the rest has been scaled comparably. And that... that actually sounds like fun. A mini little goal to aim for next year, since, well, I love running, and I love biking, and I love swimming...

Home, home, is there anything like home?

Well, okay, tbf, that rental at the beach was pretty dang close. Toddler started even calling it our "Second Home."

The dead car battery must have been our lowest point because after that, things turned around a bit. Wednesday morning we had to leave the rental, but we had enough time to walk to a breakfast place nearby, inbetween bouts of deluge. Toddler had a blast jumping in puddles and CG had a blast eating the pancakes and bacon she'd been craving since I mentioned "hotel."

Then it was 10am and we were all packed up and ready to go... somewhere. The rain had stopped, the sky was clearing, and I really wanted to go to the beach one last time. But it seemed everyone else was ready to head inland. We eventually compromised at a short jaunt, no swim suits, just chasing waves and walking along the water. Or at least, that's where I thought we'd landed. Toddler and I went ahead to the beach and I showed him the fine art of chasing waves (it's getting away! oh no, it's chasing us!). He was laughing his head off the entire time, he was so delighted.

Then I realized CG and Lady still weren't there. I texted them -- they were on the boardwalk. Ok, cool. We'd keep playing. More time passes, they're still not there. Text -- they're back at the car??

The sun is coming out at this point and we need to either commit and put on sunscreen or leave, so I pick up a very unwilling Toddler and we return to the car. CG apparently didn't want to get sandy, so she'd decided we were Done. :/ I didn't push the matter because honestly getting all the sand off without a proper shower would be a PITA, but also I was disappointed. Still, Toddler and I had had our last little beach time together and CG and Lady had had fun on the boardwalk. Better to leave on a positive note.

We headed inland, hitting several downpours on the way that re-tested my ability to drive without seeing, lol. We made it to Orlando around noon and met up with my bestie from high school at the local science center. Thankfully, she's as nerdy as I am and doesn't mind catching up at a science center. Lady had to work, so she went down to the cafe while we shepherded the kids around. For Toddler, it was all brand new again and he had so much fun. And CG remembered some of it, but that somehow made it more fun?

We managed to give Lady a solid three hours before the kids began to peter out and we all needed food. Bestie showed us a place with pizza slices the size of your head and CG was so enamored that's the only food she would talk about the rest of the trip 😅

The hotel was only half an hour away, thankfully, because by then the kids were both losing their minds. But they regained their minds when we got close--we were staying right across the street from Seaworld and you could see several of the rollercoasters as we approached. Getting them to sleep was another story, but I warned everyone that we were waking up at 7am sharp to catch the 8.30 bus... unless they wanted to walk. 😈

We did, somehow, make the bus, despite Toddler throwing a last minute tantrum right as it was pulling up. But he quieted down immediately once he was on one of his favorite vehicles. There was a brief moment of panic when we were told to sign up for the bus ahead of time and there were only two spots left, so I was readying to walk on my own (it's only a mile, but I know how much walking we'd be doing in the park), but thankfully the bus driver didn't actually care.

We got the Seaworld right as they opened and can I just recommend that, always, for folks with kids? The park got pretty crowded by midday, but the first few hours were a breeze to do anything we wanted.

The dolphin nursery was right were we started and both kids could have stayed there for hours. One of the dolphins did a little twist in the water and CG was disappointed because she thought they'd do more and I was like, oh sweetie. This is the nursery. If we keep going there will be so much more.

We did, in fact, catch the early dolphin show and I got to watch CG lose her mind. That was pretty much my favorite part, seeing the absolute delight from both of them with the animals. We made our way around to the manta rays, where the kids got to touch their slimey skin (and get splashed, which CG thought was hilarious), we watched the manatees have a lettuce snack, we saw baby gators and a giant sea turtle, we walked through the underwater shark tunnel, and we even caught the orca show at the end of the day. The penguins, though, were a surprise hit, as we went there twice and both kids wanted to go a third time.

Both kids (and parents) lagged several times, but the promise of another animal (and a little food and rest) kept us going all the way until our bus back at 5pm. It was noon when Lady was first like, "I don't think we're going to make it much longer," but all I had to do was go "hey, we can leave, but do we want to see sharks first??" And nobody can say no to sharks.

By the time we caught the bus, we were sore, exhausted, grumpy--but happy. As Lady put it, everybody might be crying, but we had fun, damnit. And we didn't even see everything!

I was worried about Lady a few times; her MS doesn't play well with heat. But we got ice, visited the penguins, stepped into the a/c'ed shops as often as we could and I didn't push us. She was fine when we got back and fine on Friday, so I think we played it safe enough. I carried Toddler as often as possible to slow myself down, too, because I have a tendency to go-go-go without considering others.

Friday morning, we spent an hour or two playing in the hotel pool before finally packing it in and heading home. Lady had to take a work call on the drive home, so we stopped for a bit at a rest area, but otherwise it was uneventful. We finally made it home by 4pm; both kids went to their rooms to introduce their new stuffies* and Lady and I actually had a little bit of a break.

(*I told them they could pick one toy each at the end of the day when we went into the first shop to cool down and there were toys everywhere. CG went with the mermaid stuffie she saw then, Toddler went with a mommy and baby penguin set he saw at the penguin exhibit. He was so cute about it, talking about going back and getting it throughout the day, and then when it was the end of the day and time to choose, he knew exactly what he wanted. I ran to get it while they chilled at the front of the park and when I handed it to him, he was so delighted. They've been inseparable since.)

And that was that! The 2024 family vacay. I learned some things (don't leave the beach until you're ready not to go back; always bring more water than you think you need; always bring more snacks; KSC needs at least five hours; Seaworld is great if you take it slow) and the kids definitely learned some things and overall, despite the tantrums, the meltdowns, the sibling fights, being the only parent on occasion, it was fun.

I don't know what we'll do next year, but I do know it'll be different, if only because they'll be older and we'll be a little wiser.

Our summer trip is slowly coming together. For a hot minute it looked like we were going to get a week of thunderstorms while we were at the beach, but now it's just going to be cloudy, which is perfect. Any thing to cut that summer sun down to a minimum.

Both the kids are excited about visiting the space center, but now I've tacked on a trip to Seaworld because apparently they're celebrating their 60th anniversary and slashed their prices in half. Heck yeah, I'll take penguins, flamingos, and dolphins for the same price as the big zoo we'd been eyeing. I know it's Seaworld and there are some larger ethical questions, especially around the orcas, but they do more conservation now and, again, we'll mostly be there for the smaller animals. Besides, it'll be a good way to talk to the kids about the ethics around keeping such smart animals like dolphins etc in captivity.

The trip is definitely dialed down from my initial, lofty ambitions of a week driving down the coast and spending each night in a different place. As much fun as that could have been, with two smaller kids it really was going to be too stressful. Instead, we'll spend a few nights at the beach and be flexible about when we visit KSC based on the weather and how we're feeling, then head to the interior and likewise spend a few nights in Orlando and be flexible about what we do. Lots of water-based activity, lots of chilling, and only two different hotels, which, with kids, is pretty optimal.

Keeping it flexible is also taking some of the stress off pre-planning, therefore some of the stress off me. I still don't know what we'll do on our last day, but we have several options depending on weather and how everyone's feeling. I'd love to hit up Wekiwa Springs, but we could equally go to the Orlando Science Center. Or even just head home, if we're too worn out. None of those options require prior commitment, so again: less stress about weather, about getting there, about timing.

But yeah... I think we're set. This should be fun.

First day of June and I wrote 1400 words this morning and ran a comfortable 5k. This month is off to a good start. :)

My goal, now that the kids are out of school and I don't have to run the gauntlet every morning (getting them up, getting them dressed, getting them fed, & cajoling them to get out the door on time, plus the actual bike 5 or 10 mile bike ride), is to fully take advantage of the extra 1-2 hours I'll have. Ideally, I'll still wake up at 4.30am, but now I'll write until I hit 1000 words or a wall and then go for a run. Crossfit days will be opposite (wake up, crossfit, then write), but every day should have ample time for writing.

assuming nobody in this household gets sick

Which, tbf, is a big assumption.

Plus, there are some other bumps in this month. We plan to go on our weeklong Florida vacation later on in June and also we might be called out of state to a funeral soon. :/ My grandmum is 98 years old and has been slowly declining for the past year; she's been on hospice since last May. The last time I saw her, over Christmas, she didn't even remember me. Last weekend she had a sudden and precipitous decline and has stopped eating and largely become unresponsive.

She's made it clear she's been done and ready to go for several years, and she's made her peace and her children have been able to visit a lot and be near, so it's the best possible scenario. Still, I can't imagine a world without her; she's been the matriarch of our family for all of our lives. I'm just so grateful she got to know her great grandchildren before her decline and they got to meet her. And she made these delightful knitted animals for them they'll be able to carry with them always.

And I'll have all the encouragement and love she gave me, for being a writer, for being a parent, for being me. She really is an amazing person and the world has been better for her being in it.

When my parents lived for a short while in town, they stayed at an apartment complex that had a big and kinda amazing pool. All summer (and most of spring and fall, because it's Florida, natch) we'd go to their pool at least once a week, often more. I could take both kids on my bike, with all our pool stuff squished into a bag in front, because they were just up the road. So I was really bummed when they finally moved into their lake-side home, 40min away.

I'd been wondering what we were going to do for pool access going forward, since we don't have our own (and that is not something I ever want to deal with, knowing how much of a money- and time-sink pools are). Some of CG's friends have pools, but the easiest one to get to is small and kinda nasty (it's clear the HOA doesn't maintain it well) and the key almost never works. Plus, I end up having to take her friend and her friend's sibling, both of whom can't swim well, and so there's the added stress of one mama Kai and three kids, two of whom could drown at any moment. Not ideal.

There's also the city pools, the nearest of which was being renovated last summer. It's also within biking distance. So when I grabbed CG from school on Friday for a halfday with mama Kai, we decided to try it out. The city pool isn't free, which is part of the reason I hadn't been there yet, but after just an hour there we both decided it was worth every penny. It's huge and clean and everything is still nice because of the recent renovation. There's even a slide and a splashpad.

We went again yesterday, only to discover they close at 5pm on Saturday. T_T At least for the "spring," which I guess it still technically is. Fingers crossed their hours go later when the kids are out of school. I already promised CG we'd go at least weekly during summer. I love swimming and there's nothing like dunking into cold water when it's so fucking hot, as it's already been all of May (not normal but I guess this is our new normal). And CG needs to keep playing/practicing swimming, since so many parties and events in the summer in and around water. She's already had to catch up a lot compared to other FL kids, because most of us get tossed in the water when we're babies.

She asked me again yesterday when I'd learned to swim, and I had to remind her I was a FL child and we had a pool growing up. I can't remember exactly, just that my fourth bday party was a pool party and I was definitely swimming by then. Whereas for her at four, we had just moved to FL and her first experience simply being *in* a body of water had only been a few months before, when I held her and she "swam" in Lake Michigan. She's learned fast, though! Now I just need to start teaching her proper strokes.

Dad's birthday is today, which means the lake and even more swimming. It's a good thing I love it, because now that we've found the city pool, I suspect we'll be doing a lot more of it. 😂

I feel like such a Florida parent. We're taking a week vacation with the kids this summer, but staying in-state. I just booked a place near Kennedy Space Center on the beach where we can chill for a few days, playing on the beach and going to the Space Center when we want. I remember all the times my parents took us to the beach for a long weekend/week or to KSC as part of our summer vacation. Rockets and ocean and church camp pretty much sum up my summers -- we're going to avoid repeating that last one, though.

I was surprised to be legit excited after hitting that little "book" button. When Lady got sick after our last bout of travel, I just about gave up on any major trips again. But it'll just be us in our own car, not sharing germs with everyone and their mother at the airport. Most things will be outside and KSC is pretty big and open. Although expensive as fuck. They must have realized they were the cheap attraction compared to Disney et al and jacked up their prices.

Ah well, it'll be worth it. I had CG help me pick out the place we're gonna stay (house rental vs hotel, settled on house because dealing with these two in a hotel is its own extra layer of headache and it wasn't any more expensive, even with the millions of fees they add on these days) and then told them both about the trip and KSC. Had to show them pics, of course, and you should've seen Toddler's face light up at the rockets. Dude's gonna have a day. CG, too, I hope -- visiting KSC when I was a kid was what got me super stoked about space and almost got me majoring in physics.

We'll have a whole week and the beach is only half of it -- I still have to figure out the other half. I'm pretty sure we're going to head back inland and hang at some springs we can't normally get to, maybe the science center, but not 100% sure yet. Either way, it'll be fun, if not always relaxing, and get us all out of the house for a bit.

- CG's ability to understand more and more complex topics.

The other day, I was frustrated by something and said "I'm so stupid!" CG got upset, because she hates when any of us say mean things about ourselves. After I calmed down, I explained that I didn't really mean it, I just needed something nasty to say to match the nastiness I was feeling. And I pointed out, hey -- you do this, too. Because she does. When she gets really angry, she'll start saying stuff like "nobody loves me" and "I'm the worst." And I've tried to tackle these thoughts from a few angles, but finally, this time, she was like oh. "I know how you feel now when I say those things, because I really didn't like it when you said that mean thing about yourself."

I was like, yeah: but also, while I understand you don't really mean it, if you keep repeating it, you might believe it. This is why we use stronger words like the f-word instead -- to say something to get out some of that nasty feeling without being mean to ourselves or others. Another oh, followed closely by, so does this mean I can use the f-word??. 😂

- Our neighborhood and where we're situated. I can't get over how lucky we got with our location. It only took two days of looking at about 12 houses with minimal understanding of this city and how it functions, but now having been here for almost 4 years, I can't imagine a better place. We have two grocery stores within biking distance and a library all of us (even Toddler) can walk to and a playground we can bike to and CG's elementary school is also within biking distance. Plus, most of our neighbors are pretty cool and we keep discovering more who are around CG's age.

Not only that, but somehow I even lucked out with having a Crossfit box within walking/biking distance, so outside of the weekends, I legit don't use the car. I could ditch the car altogether here if the biking infrastructure were just a liiittle better. There are just several places that are too fucking dangerous to not use a car, especially with the kids. 😞

- Writing. I am actually enjoying writing for the first time in ages. I don't remember the last time words flowed like this. I wrote 2.5k one day last week and then 2k immediately the next day. If I had a bite more time, I'd be writing 2k days consistently. As it is, I've been taking a little extra time in the middle or at the end of the day to write and actually writing, too, whereas before I'd give myself 30min and then just... sit there.

The story is ridiculous -- fantasy horror with a splash of the surreal. It's a love letter to Half-Life and D&D and also a critique of both. Maybe it's fanfic, maybe it's not, I don't really care. I'm having fun and that's all that matters. It doesn't need to have a goal or a home or even ever be shared. I can just make something to make something. I don't know if not having an agent any more just lifted the burden of publishing off my shoulders, but something has changed and I'm so relieved.

- Toddler's cheeks. They're so squishy.

- Our garden. I have tried for years to grow a garden, and every year has been a disaster or worse. I've been chasing the high of our Tucson community garden, which was fucking magical. This year I tried again, and it looks like I actually planted everything early enough. We've got tomatoes starting to ripen, we've got peppers, we've got kale, we've even got cucumbers that CG is excited about. I don't know how long it'll last before the heat wrecks everything, but I'm babying that group of plants like the chickens.

37 sure feels like the age of self-advocacy. Late last year I gathered my courage and asked my boss what it would take to get the next promotion. I also reminded him again and again that our pay band had been forgotten when they redid the rest of our department's descriptions and bands -- as well as our mini team's job descriptions.

Then there was the ER visit and almost emergency gallbladder surgery, where I maybe foolishly asked to schedule it instead. But it turned out I was right about my own body (shock) and everything was fine.

Knowing I wasn't ready to return to Crossfit yet and actually following through and letting the coach know and taking the time I needed. The subsequent workouts after I'd returned where I felt something was off and, instead of pushing through like I would have in the past, asked for an alternative movement.

All the little self-advocating for my social needs inbetween, with going to those book club meetups, write-ins, and events.

Then, of course, this recent decision with regards to my publishing career. Easily the hardest decision I've had to make in years, but also the most important.

And, almost too small to mention, but yesterday I asked someone at the new B&N how to be a part of the local author events. I was shaking afterwards (I wish that kind of thing didn't freak me out so much), but also a little giddy. Now I just have to follow through with the contact info they gave me, but that first question is always so hard.

I was just chatting with my mom yesterday about how much better my 30s were from my 20s. She mentioned, as someone in her 70s herself, that her 40s and 50s were really the best. I've heard that echoed from so many others as well--that life gets better, in general, as you shuck off any remaining fucks to give. I thought I'd shucked them all with therapy, but I guess I'm still shucking. Someday I might even not have to celebrate when I perform any of the above-mentioned self-advocacy.

I guess I've managed to construct a little boat to cross that ocean after all. I don't know what happened, but these sorts of breakthroughs seem to coincide with admitting to the pain and problem and metaphorically throwing in a towel. Since that post, I put down one project and picked up the more recent one (cannibal!WIP) and was able to slide back in like no time had passed.

I'm tentatively putting my toes back into some of the publishing pools, too. At least the ones where my friends talk about more than just publishing. I think I need to stay away from any actual shoptalk for now, but I missed the other nonsense.

I accepted that the current projects I have are going nowhere, but I still want to make the edits I know they need before letting them go. Cannibal!WIP especially can be shaped into something that works with relative ease; I just can't do the extensive edits my agent wanted. TBH, she simply didn't like the story (or the characters, hah), and, while I'm sure there are folks out there who can ditch everything about the story that made it That Story and do something new with the remaining bits and pieces, I can't. Once I've got that skeleton down, I can't go back and pulverize it.

I'm pretty sure that's where most of my distress was coming from -- that tension between the edits I want to do and knowing they would never be enough to make the story what she wanted. So every time I started to work on it, I just got mired in self-doubt which inevitably twisted into self-hate. Now that I've given it some time and accepted that I can't make her changes, I just had to decide if I'd still try to make some edits or move on. But I do like this story, and I think the bones are strong. I'll see how it feels after some fixing, but I can always self-pub it under a pseudonym or drop it on Ao3 or something.

I also looked into getting the rights back for my books with Tor, because having control again would mean so much. Namely, giving them covers that better reflected their vibes, and knowing that however they sold was actually entirely on me. But after sniffing around, it sounds like that's more difficult than I'd initially hoped. Still, maybe someday...

At least summer is coming up. I forgot I was able to do the bulk of writing last year while Cabin Girl was out of school; because I didn't have to wake her up and feed her and pack her lunch and bike her to school every day, I got an extra hour to just write. It's amazing what I can do with just an hour when I'm motivated.

This summer, I'm going to fix these WIPs. And then I'm going to let them go.

Yesterday I finally got to fulfill my promise to take Toddler to the Zoo. Back around Easter I decided to take a half day at work and go to the local community college zoo with him, but apparently Good Friday is one of the only four days they're closed each year. We ended up going to a park and walking along a creek, picking up sticks and spotting animals, and he had fun, but several times since then he's dejectedly said "the Zoo is closed :(" out of nowhere.

So I was like, you know what, it's a beautiful weekend and we're not going to have many more of those before summer hits in full. My only worry was Cabin Girl coming along, because I wanted this to just be the two of us. Surprisingly, she opted to stay home and have quality time with Dr Lady, so that ended up a win all around.

The weather was perfect, if not the crowd. I'd forgotten there was an art fair going on at the community college, so there were a lot more folks than usual, but not an annoying amount. The Zoo isn't super big, so I let him spend as much time as he wanted looking at every animal. He probably spent the most watching the ducks, hah. He was excited to see the gators (we'd been reading a book called Gator Gator Gator, so he kept calling them that), slightly terrified of the peacock (fair), and a wild fan of all the primates. Later he told Dr Lady that the gibbons kept doing tricks and showing off, which, I mean, fair.

He was having the time of his little life; and then he saw the train.

The arts fair had a small trolley dressed up like a train to shuttle folks between the zoo and the fair. It was barely big enough for an adult to sit inside, but you bet he was on a beeline for it. It's a good thing he spotted the train at the end of the Zoo, because he barely acknowledged the remaining animals (mostly birds) and kept asking "where's the train?"

I hadn't meant to visit the art festival but there was no way I was going to deny this kiddo a ride. We found the train and got on and he was just the happiest little train rider. I love the way his expression just kind of goes slack when he's overwhelmed with joy. 😂

The arts fair itself was not his cup of tea -- and mine neither, since I didn't bother bringing sunscreen and it was set up in a shade-less parking lot. The zoo is very well shaded and cool, but I could feel my skin crisping right away when we hit the fair. I got him ice cream, which he devoured in that same overwhelmed way, and then we had to walk all the way back because the train rides had just ended. That's okay because we told silly knockknock jokes and made monkey noises the entire way back.

Dr Lady had texted me that she and CG were "shredding and sewing," so I was a bit scared at what I was going to come back to. Turns out, she'd pulled out the shredder and CG was having an absolute blast shredding all the old medical docs we'd been meaning to, well, shred, while Lady sewed the taekwondo patches CG had earned on her uniform. So they had fun 😂😂😂

Toddler told them all about our trip -- how we saw a Gator Gator Gator, and the monkeys were showing off, and there was a TRAIN and it was blue red yellow, and he got to see a SNAKE and a BABY SNAKE.

His joy was the best part. I'm so glad I got to take him, and it was so easy just the two of us. I don't know what it is about siblings but sometimes two of them is like wrangling a dozen kids. I definitely want to do something like this more often -- go off on an adventure with just one of them.

Today we're going blueberry picking altogether, which will be adventure enough.