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I did it - I went for a swim on Tuesday morning.

The pool opens at 6am and I got there at 6.30am and there just happened to be one lane free. The pool is 50m long which didn't sound very far, but once I got in and started swimming it -- oof. I managed a few laps with minimal rest before my endurance ran out and I was taking a breather every time I reached a wall. 😅 From what I've read, that's pretty normal for a first time... or the first few times. You gotta get used to the intermittent breathing and being in the water and all that.

I'd like to, but I will have to find another time than 6.30am. I was going to do one more lap when I looked up and saw someone about to get in my lane. Now, I'm new to pool etiquette, but I'm pretty sure your lane is yours until you get out. So I get back to that end, apprehensive, only to be confronted by this middle-aged white man of a coach who none-to-nicely tells me they've reserved this lane (and five others in a nine lane pool) and I need to get out.

And lo, there's a sign now where there wasn't one before, saying those lanes are reserved from 7am to 9am for this swim team. So I meekly get out and wait around a bit to see if any of the remaining lanes free up, but I have no idea how long folks typically swim for and I only had 5 minutes left and generally now I just feel crummy so I just head home. :/

Now I don't know when to try again. It was already pretty crowded at 6.30, so I'm sure folks get there right at 6am. And 9am is when they reconfig the pool for open swim, so it's not like I can go after the swim team is done. I guess I'll just have to try later in the day. I'm just bummed they get to take up more than half the lanes for most of the lap swim time.

Anyway, going to the my parents' house at the lake today, so I'll get some open swim time in at least. Too bad they're not a little closer otherwise I could use swim there regularly.

On a different note, I was just thinking earlier in the week that it'd been a while since I'd had a extreme fatigue day and maybe it was related to not eating enough protein or something. Well, yesterday I was slammed with fatigue. Took a 90min nap in the morning then another, shorter nap in the afternoon and still had my eyes trying to shut at 8pm. I slept for almost 10 hours and feel better this morning, but damn it. I wish I knew why these happen. It could be iron? That is the one thing I consistently don't get enough of according to the food tracker and I did just finish up a cycle. It just seems like, if it were iron, the symptoms would persist for longer.

Well, on the positive side, I finally got a new doctor, so I guess I can bring it up when I have my first appointment... in October, lol. Yay US healthcare. It's been two years since my last doctor left and it's been two years of trying to find a new one. I probably could have found one sooner if I tried a bit harder but it sure is demoralizing when you do the research but every time you call, no one is accepting new patients.

A'ight, I should probably start getting these kids ready to go.
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(tw: calorie counting and exercise talk again)

Food tracking talk beneath the cut because it's mostly tedious )

Exercise-wise, I took CG & her friend to the city pool again this weekend and they are both fairly confident swimmers now, so I was able to go off on my own for a bit. And friends, friends. I know I love to swim, but I think I forget how much I love to swim. Itty bitty home pools are fine, I guess, but the city pool is lorge and I can just swim and swim without having to stop and turn around.

That's something I love about swimming in the ocean or large bodies of water, but I don't have easy access to either of those. Plus, the ocean kinda scares me these days. It's big and strong and I don't know my own strength when it comes to swimming. There's always this underlying fear that I'm going to swim too far and not make it back.

But swimming in the city pool has got me wanting to get better at swimming, so I can tackle the ocean without fear. I've looked for adult swim classes before, but they're all geared toward absolute beginners; I just want to learn proper strokes and improve efficiency. I finally found a scuba shop that appears to offer just that, but their next set of lessons start the week my wife is away. So I guess... I will just keep an eye on them and see if they have more in September. That would mean right after my birthday, which would be a good birthday gift/goal...

In the meantime, I've got my parents' lake to practice in as well as said city pool. I'm thinking of swapping one of my weekly runs for a swim instead, since it's just so dang humid. I swear I felt like I was breathing soup this weekend. I love running, but not when I'm dripping sweat from my elbows just 5min in.

Of course, when I was researching swim lessons, I stumbled upon our city's triathlon group. While there's no way I'd ever do a real triathlon (a marathon on top of everything else??), apparently every spring they have a Try-Tri, where the running portion is just 1 mile and the rest has been scaled comparably. And that... that actually sounds like fun. A mini little goal to aim for next year, since, well, I love running, and I love biking, and I love swimming...

Body Talk

Jun. 28th, 2024 10:01 am
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(tw: body and diet and weight talk ahead)

I'm trying food tracking again. I've already warned my wife and tried to pick an app that doesn't make the calorie total the biggest deal. I just want to know if what I think I'm eating in my head lines up with what I'm actually eating -- am I getting enough protein? Iron? How much fat do I actually eat?

Of course, it's hard to ignore calories altogether. The app I picked is Cronometer, which lets you highlight either macronutrients, micronutrients, or calories. So far, I've been focusing on the macros, but I did fiddle with the calorie counter as well. This app actually put me at 2300 kcals/day, which is the highest any program has ever let me start at, and a good sign in general. After using the google fit app for a few years, it does appear that I burn close to that range when I'm not doing long runs/intense crossfit.

I think the biggest problem with counting calories previously is that every app would start me at 1800 kcals/day, which is already too low for me, and then try to cut me down further for weight loss. If 1800 is already a 500 kcal deficit, no wonder I spiraled pretty quickly and had a hard time sticking with it. The truth is, I am large and I am active, and I really do need more cals than someone else my age and height. Hopefully, once I can suss out how much I actually need and do well on, I can better tweak that number and then, maybe someday, get below 200# again.

(Not that there's anything wrong with being over 200# itself, but I do want to run faster, walk further, and be able to do body-weight exercises more effectively, and I've felt sufficiently hindered by my larger self that I want to change that. Honestly, I think I'm pretty hot as is, but... I also really want to run more)

So yesterday I started tracking everything and already ran into my first hurdle: even though I told myself I wouldn't hold to the projected kcal total, I still found myself trying to get under it. 🙃 My brain sees it as a competition, and it's so hard not to try and "win" by eating less than that amount. Maybe I just need to bump it up further, until I'm actually eating as much as I want/need without trying to restrict. IDK. It's hard.

But I did learn that I'm not getting as much protein as I need and wow, it's hard to get enough iron. I did well on fiber and other micronutrients, so that's good. My end goal, really, is just to get a vibe check and adjust as needed. So if I'm still talking about tracking food a month from now, politely hit me with a rolled up newspaper.

In happier news, this week we tested our 1RM on back squat and bench press, and I pr'ed both -- my back squat is now at 195# (so, so close to breaking that sweet 200#) and my bench is at 120#. Those are still small numbers in the powerlifting world, but I'm finally breaking into what are considered intermediate numbers vs the novice category I'd been in. But what's really cool is that both of those break my best lifts from when I was last lifting heavy in my 20s. I never thought I could be stronger in my late 30s than mid-20s, but I'll take it!
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Home, home, is there anything like home?

Well, okay, tbf, that rental at the beach was pretty dang close. Toddler started even calling it our "Second Home."

The dead car battery must have been our lowest point because after that, things turned around a bit. Wednesday morning we had to leave the rental, but we had enough time to walk to a breakfast place nearby, inbetween bouts of deluge. Toddler had a blast jumping in puddles and CG had a blast eating the pancakes and bacon she'd been craving since I mentioned "hotel."

Then it was 10am and we were all packed up and ready to go... somewhere. The rain had stopped, the sky was clearing, and I really wanted to go to the beach one last time. But it seemed everyone else was ready to head inland. We eventually compromised at a short jaunt, no swim suits, just chasing waves and walking along the water. Or at least, that's where I thought we'd landed. Toddler and I went ahead to the beach and I showed him the fine art of chasing waves (it's getting away! oh no, it's chasing us!). He was laughing his head off the entire time, he was so delighted.

Then I realized CG and Lady still weren't there. I texted them -- they were on the boardwalk. Ok, cool. We'd keep playing. More time passes, they're still not there. Text -- they're back at the car??

The sun is coming out at this point and we need to either commit and put on sunscreen or leave, so I pick up a very unwilling Toddler and we return to the car. CG apparently didn't want to get sandy, so she'd decided we were Done. :/ I didn't push the matter because honestly getting all the sand off without a proper shower would be a PITA, but also I was disappointed. Still, Toddler and I had had our last little beach time together and CG and Lady had had fun on the boardwalk. Better to leave on a positive note.

We headed inland, hitting several downpours on the way that re-tested my ability to drive without seeing, lol. We made it to Orlando around noon and met up with my bestie from high school at the local science center. Thankfully, she's as nerdy as I am and doesn't mind catching up at a science center. Lady had to work, so she went down to the cafe while we shepherded the kids around. For Toddler, it was all brand new again and he had so much fun. And CG remembered some of it, but that somehow made it more fun?

We managed to give Lady a solid three hours before the kids began to peter out and we all needed food. Bestie showed us a place with pizza slices the size of your head and CG was so enamored that's the only food she would talk about the rest of the trip 😅

The hotel was only half an hour away, thankfully, because by then the kids were both losing their minds. But they regained their minds when we got close--we were staying right across the street from Seaworld and you could see several of the rollercoasters as we approached. Getting them to sleep was another story, but I warned everyone that we were waking up at 7am sharp to catch the 8.30 bus... unless they wanted to walk. 😈

We did, somehow, make the bus, despite Toddler throwing a last minute tantrum right as it was pulling up. But he quieted down immediately once he was on one of his favorite vehicles. There was a brief moment of panic when we were told to sign up for the bus ahead of time and there were only two spots left, so I was readying to walk on my own (it's only a mile, but I know how much walking we'd be doing in the park), but thankfully the bus driver didn't actually care.

We got the Seaworld right as they opened and can I just recommend that, always, for folks with kids? The park got pretty crowded by midday, but the first few hours were a breeze to do anything we wanted.

The dolphin nursery was right were we started and both kids could have stayed there for hours. One of the dolphins did a little twist in the water and CG was disappointed because she thought they'd do more and I was like, oh sweetie. This is the nursery. If we keep going there will be so much more.

We did, in fact, catch the early dolphin show and I got to watch CG lose her mind. That was pretty much my favorite part, seeing the absolute delight from both of them with the animals. We made our way around to the manta rays, where the kids got to touch their slimey skin (and get splashed, which CG thought was hilarious), we watched the manatees have a lettuce snack, we saw baby gators and a giant sea turtle, we walked through the underwater shark tunnel, and we even caught the orca show at the end of the day. The penguins, though, were a surprise hit, as we went there twice and both kids wanted to go a third time.

Both kids (and parents) lagged several times, but the promise of another animal (and a little food and rest) kept us going all the way until our bus back at 5pm. It was noon when Lady was first like, "I don't think we're going to make it much longer," but all I had to do was go "hey, we can leave, but do we want to see sharks first??" And nobody can say no to sharks.

By the time we caught the bus, we were sore, exhausted, grumpy--but happy. As Lady put it, everybody might be crying, but we had fun, damnit. And we didn't even see everything!

I was worried about Lady a few times; her MS doesn't play well with heat. But we got ice, visited the penguins, stepped into the a/c'ed shops as often as we could and I didn't push us. She was fine when we got back and fine on Friday, so I think we played it safe enough. I carried Toddler as often as possible to slow myself down, too, because I have a tendency to go-go-go without considering others.

Friday morning, we spent an hour or two playing in the hotel pool before finally packing it in and heading home. Lady had to take a work call on the drive home, so we stopped for a bit at a rest area, but otherwise it was uneventful. We finally made it home by 4pm; both kids went to their rooms to introduce their new stuffies* and Lady and I actually had a little bit of a break.

(*I told them they could pick one toy each at the end of the day when we went into the first shop to cool down and there were toys everywhere. CG went with the mermaid stuffie she saw then, Toddler went with a mommy and baby penguin set he saw at the penguin exhibit. He was so cute about it, talking about going back and getting it throughout the day, and then when it was the end of the day and time to choose, he knew exactly what he wanted. I ran to get it while they chilled at the front of the park and when I handed it to him, he was so delighted. They've been inseparable since.)

And that was that! The 2024 family vacay. I learned some things (don't leave the beach until you're ready not to go back; always bring more water than you think you need; always bring more snacks; KSC needs at least five hours; Seaworld is great if you take it slow) and the kids definitely learned some things and overall, despite the tantrums, the meltdowns, the sibling fights, being the only parent on occasion, it was fun.

I don't know what we'll do next year, but I do know it'll be different, if only because they'll be older and we'll be a little wiser.
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We are halfway through our Florida Vacation (TM) and it's been about... halfway great, lol. I feel like I need to purge the bad that's happened so I can focus on the good, so

the bad under a cut because I don't really want to focus on it )

And then CG says, "you're not a bad person, everyone gets angry" and I just hug her and I realize, maybe I am doing this parenting thing right.

For one, Toddler is so enamored with his sister. When we followed the scenic route here, any time he saw something cool out his window (like cows or construction vehicles) he'd go, "CG!! Do you see?? Look, [cool thing]!"

Then when we got here and CG laid claim to a room, Toddler had to sleep in the same room with her. Would not accept no for an answer. The next day, I purposefully took CG to the beach while Dr Lady put him to bed so he would actually sleep instead of being so excited to share a room with his sister. Even last night he kept asking for her. I felt a little bad separating them, but he just would not sleep the first night.

And the way they play together--he's gotten much better at saying stop when he needs to and she listens so well. When we were all at the beach together, at one point all four of us were pretending to be pirate ships overtaken by waves and he was laughing so hard he couldn't breathe.

We did end up picking a pretty good spot to stay--the rental is one of the nicest I've been in, in terms of not being a rush flipped house or spackled together apartment, has everything we need, and is literally a 2 minute walk from the beach and 5 minutes from a bunch of restaurants. We've walked to an amazing Puerto Rican place, a Mexican place, and a bagel place already.

The beach has been a-maz-ing. I almost wish we hadn't come home so early on Monday, but I was worried about sunburns and the heat. Next time I'm just going to pack more ice water and lunch because once we come back, we don't go back out again: lesson learned. Altho, tbf, I guess we needed to go back because of CG's heat rash either way.

But while we were there, both of the kids just had nonstop fun. CG has become a much stronger swimmer since our last beach foray and she was able to come out further with me and ride the waves for a bit. The rental had some boogie boards we could use, which were kind of fun for a while but ultimately too big for her, I think. We brought Toddler's light plastic construction vehicle toys and that was him set for over an hour, playing in the sand. When he finally came out to brave the water, he had a grand old time just chasing waves.

I laid in the sand at one point and stared at the blue sky and just thought this right here, this is good.

After lunch (and naps [and a lot of TV watching]), we went for a car ride to see if we could catch the cruise ships as they left port. We got there right as a Disney ship was passing by, absolutely perfect timing. The kids waved and CG couldn't believe how big the ship was and also may now really want to go on a cruise. I honestly don't know how I feel about cruises -- the less savory parts of my extended family go on them annually so I might be predisposed to think they're for boring, rich people, hah.

Then the Space Center... we only had three hours, but it was worth going. Both of them seeing the rocket garden, both of them seeing the shuttle Atlantis, that was worth it alone. We wandered into the first thing we came to--a building called Heroes and Legends--and got caught in an Experience (TM). Basically a fancy wrap-around movie that showed pivotal moments in some of the astronauts' lives. It was pretty cool, but also briefly terrifying for the kids because it was loud and there were effects and it was unexpected.

Turns out that was an ongoing theme. KSC has changed a lot since I last went (probably as a teen) and whoever is in charge of it now really likes Experiences (TM). Pretty much every building introduced you first with a Large Screen and Special Effects. It was like KSC was trying to be more Disney than, idk, the Space Center.

Which I was laughing at until we got to the Atlantis exhibit, and then I was a blubbering mess. Turns out, the space shuttle launches were an integral part of my childhood and I still haven't processed the fact that they're all retired now. That Experience (TM) was a realistic launch, mission, and re-entry, with all these little moments I hadn't experienced since I'd last lived in Orlando and even the fucking sonic boom on re-entry. Did I watch every launch as a kid, counting down with the TV then going outside to watch that bright light arc up and fade away--you bet I did. That was the reason I was so interested in physics and astrophysics, and for a few years desperately wanted to work for NASA. I'm sure the story is the same for every central Florida kid, but... yeah.

Anyway, they had the actual shuttle Atlantis right inside and gosh, seeing her up close like that... yeah.

We stopped at a Twistee Treat on the way home, which I haven't seen any of those in years and years. We had ice cream for dinner, pretty much the perfect way to end the day.

And now today, hmm, it still looks rainy. I guess we'll just have to see.
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Our summer trip is slowly coming together. For a hot minute it looked like we were going to get a week of thunderstorms while we were at the beach, but now it's just going to be cloudy, which is perfect. Any thing to cut that summer sun down to a minimum.

Both the kids are excited about visiting the space center, but now I've tacked on a trip to Seaworld because apparently they're celebrating their 60th anniversary and slashed their prices in half. Heck yeah, I'll take penguins, flamingos, and dolphins for the same price as the big zoo we'd been eyeing. I know it's Seaworld and there are some larger ethical questions, especially around the orcas, but they do more conservation now and, again, we'll mostly be there for the smaller animals. Besides, it'll be a good way to talk to the kids about the ethics around keeping such smart animals like dolphins etc in captivity.

The trip is definitely dialed down from my initial, lofty ambitions of a week driving down the coast and spending each night in a different place. As much fun as that could have been, with two smaller kids it really was going to be too stressful. Instead, we'll spend a few nights at the beach and be flexible about when we visit KSC based on the weather and how we're feeling, then head to the interior and likewise spend a few nights in Orlando and be flexible about what we do. Lots of water-based activity, lots of chilling, and only two different hotels, which, with kids, is pretty optimal.

Keeping it flexible is also taking some of the stress off pre-planning, therefore some of the stress off me. I still don't know what we'll do on our last day, but we have several options depending on weather and how everyone's feeling. I'd love to hit up Wekiwa Springs, but we could equally go to the Orlando Science Center. Or even just head home, if we're too worn out. None of those options require prior commitment, so again: less stress about weather, about getting there, about timing.

But yeah... I think we're set. This should be fun.
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Grandmum passed yesterday morning. All of her kids managed to get there in time and were there in the room when she died. I can't imagine a better way to go: peacefully, asleep, surrounded by family. 98 years old.

I can't imagine a stronger and kinder woman, either. She volunteered at her local hospital for years when I was younger, traveled overseas and extensively right up until she was almost 90, kicked it with a sharp mind and sharper humor up until last year.

I'm so lucky to have known her, so lucky that she got to know and meet her great grand-kids. She knitted many a stuffie for them, which they will hopefully have for a long time.

She was the most encouraging in my family of my writing, and always knew I'd be an author someday. When I got the offer on my first book, one of my first thoughts was that I was so glad she was alive to see it. I don't think she ever read them (which is fine), but she kept them displayed on her bookshelf. I'll always remember how she enthused over my poetry in middle school, how she checked up on my writing over the years.

She also just always had a lot of love. She was a conservative, but I never had to worry coming out to her as queer, and she adored Dr Lady. I mean, she even came to our wedding, which not everyone in my family deigned to try.

It feels like the end of an era, the closing out of something momentous. She was a force in our family, and now she's just... gone. And that's how it goes, doesn't it. The world turns us each closer to our ends. We can only make of it what we can, while we can. And she sure fucking made it.

Her funeral is going to be at Arlington, which could be months yet from now. Grandpa was a vet, so she gets to be buried near him. He died in the 90s, when I was around the same age CG is now. So at least I know how she feels and how to help her along.
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First day of June and I wrote 1400 words this morning and ran a comfortable 5k. This month is off to a good start. :)

My goal, now that the kids are out of school and I don't have to run the gauntlet every morning (getting them up, getting them dressed, getting them fed, & cajoling them to get out the door on time, plus the actual bike 5 or 10 mile bike ride), is to fully take advantage of the extra 1-2 hours I'll have. Ideally, I'll still wake up at 4.30am, but now I'll write until I hit 1000 words or a wall and then go for a run. Crossfit days will be opposite (wake up, crossfit, then write), but every day should have ample time for writing.

assuming nobody in this household gets sick

Which, tbf, is a big assumption.

Plus, there are some other bumps in this month. We plan to go on our weeklong Florida vacation later on in June and also we might be called out of state to a funeral soon. :/ My grandmum is 98 years old and has been slowly declining for the past year; she's been on hospice since last May. The last time I saw her, over Christmas, she didn't even remember me. Last weekend she had a sudden and precipitous decline and has stopped eating and largely become unresponsive.

She's made it clear she's been done and ready to go for several years, and she's made her peace and her children have been able to visit a lot and be near, so it's the best possible scenario. Still, I can't imagine a world without her; she's been the matriarch of our family for all of our lives. I'm just so grateful she got to know her great grandchildren before her decline and they got to meet her. And she made these delightful knitted animals for them they'll be able to carry with them always.

And I'll have all the encouragement and love she gave me, for being a writer, for being a parent, for being me. She really is an amazing person and the world has been better for her being in it.
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Last day of school! I feel like I'm just as excited as CG. After today, I'll have two whole months with an extra hour to write or run every morning. I won't have to rush home from Crossfit, I won't have to rush to school, I won't have to worry about being late, and Dr Lady can take them both if I have an early meeting. Win-win-win.

And I'm feeling the need for that break especially after this week. I turned in the storyboard for the AI training on Monday, only to have the deadline for the other training I'm working on moved up to this Friday (from like, two weeks from now), and then a bunch of changes came in for the storyboard and my partner on it apparently can't do anything this week. So I've been working right up until the kids come home every day. I haven't been able to cook at all, pick up, clean, any of the little things around the house which apparently quickly snowball into big things.

Thankfully Dr Lady has been able to pick up the slack a bit, even though the lab class she's running this summer is apparently on fire -- and not in a good way. Still, it's such a help to have someone else making dinner or breakfast, because gosh, just making food sure takes a lot of time. And I knew I leaned into the fact that I'm wfh to make this all, well, work but there's nothing quite like seeing the seams as it all threatens to come apart to realize how damned lucky I am most of the time.

Phew. Anyway. Gonna get this project turned in and then this other project and then I'll have the wiggle room to make sure everyone's fed and there's no cat vomit on the floor.

Water Days

May. 26th, 2024 05:40 am
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When my parents lived for a short while in town, they stayed at an apartment complex that had a big and kinda amazing pool. All summer (and most of spring and fall, because it's Florida, natch) we'd go to their pool at least once a week, often more. I could take both kids on my bike, with all our pool stuff squished into a bag in front, because they were just up the road. So I was really bummed when they finally moved into their lake-side home, 40min away.

I'd been wondering what we were going to do for pool access going forward, since we don't have our own (and that is not something I ever want to deal with, knowing how much of a money- and time-sink pools are). Some of CG's friends have pools, but the easiest one to get to is small and kinda nasty (it's clear the HOA doesn't maintain it well) and the key almost never works. Plus, I end up having to take her friend and her friend's sibling, both of whom can't swim well, and so there's the added stress of one mama Kai and three kids, two of whom could drown at any moment. Not ideal.

There's also the city pools, the nearest of which was being renovated last summer. It's also within biking distance. So when I grabbed CG from school on Friday for a halfday with mama Kai, we decided to try it out. The city pool isn't free, which is part of the reason I hadn't been there yet, but after just an hour there we both decided it was worth every penny. It's huge and clean and everything is still nice because of the recent renovation. There's even a slide and a splashpad.

We went again yesterday, only to discover they close at 5pm on Saturday. T_T At least for the "spring," which I guess it still technically is. Fingers crossed their hours go later when the kids are out of school. I already promised CG we'd go at least weekly during summer. I love swimming and there's nothing like dunking into cold water when it's so fucking hot, as it's already been all of May (not normal but I guess this is our new normal). And CG needs to keep playing/practicing swimming, since so many parties and events in the summer in and around water. She's already had to catch up a lot compared to other FL kids, because most of us get tossed in the water when we're babies.

She asked me again yesterday when I'd learned to swim, and I had to remind her I was a FL child and we had a pool growing up. I can't remember exactly, just that my fourth bday party was a pool party and I was definitely swimming by then. Whereas for her at four, we had just moved to FL and her first experience simply being *in* a body of water had only been a few months before, when I held her and she "swam" in Lake Michigan. She's learned fast, though! Now I just need to start teaching her proper strokes.

Dad's birthday is today, which means the lake and even more swimming. It's a good thing I love it, because now that we've found the city pool, I suspect we'll be doing a lot more of it. 😂

Brain dump

May. 25th, 2024 05:11 am
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I've been focused on a work project for a while now and I've noticed that when it comes to crunch time, it's difficult for me to focus on anything else. I wonder if that's why my ability to write declined significantly over the last two weeks. That coupled with the end of the school year and yearning for that summer break that will give us all a little respite, and I've been scarce.

I hope that's it, because the other half of me keeps thinking how nice it is to be out of publishing and maybe we shouldn't go back. I honestly don't know and that's an ongoing thought to unpack for another post because I don't have the room to be sad this weekend.

Because:
1) We have four roosters to rehome. 🙃 Turns out our luck this spring was rotten and every one of the fluffy little chicks we picked out and hand-raised have started crowing. While it's funny to hear their adolescent, cracked crows in the morning, it's less funny that they're becoming more aggressive towards each other--and us.
We tried to rehome two last weekend, but the lady who took them only had two hens and quickly realized that was a problem. I had no idea and should've asked more questions about her situation, but I was like, she wants both! Cool! Clearly she must have a lot of room and hens!
Nope... just a new backyard chicken owner who hadn't done any research. 🙄
But while they were gone, the two Definitely Hens started crowing and fighting. So I had a come-to-JesusRooster moment when I realized all of our three months of raising was for nought. I expected CG to be distressed, because she'd been so involved with helping, but apparently I was the one who had to have a good cry.

2) My wife found a rooster rescue, so we'll be taking them there today. Then on Monday, we also found several places that have Verified Pullets (ie young hens) and we're going to get a few of those. As much as I like hand-raising them from chicks so they know us and they know their surroundings, I can't do chicks again right now. Emotionally or time-wise.

3) It's also my dad's 70th birthday this weekend, which... whew. Watching my parents getting older, passing ages that I used to think were Old and Decrepit and seeing how vibrant life still is at that age... well, it's been good for my own psyche, that's for sure. Being almost 40 now, I swear it feels like 70 is right around the corner, even though obviously it's not. But the way time keeps going faster and faster, well...

We're going to spend the night out at their place on the lake. I'm hoping we can see the stars and have a bonfire, both things the kids and dad will love. And it will happily coincide with when we don't have extra chickens we're no longer trying to integrate into the flock.

(tw for weight and body talk)
4) Crossfit now does two days a week of bodybuilding instead of just the one and at first I was like, ugh, I came here for Crossfit, not this, but after a few months of seeing the changes, wellll. I'm lifting much closer to my pre-kid level and I can see the strength in my body again. I may be 50# heavier than those lifting days, but ngl... seeing pics of myself from then, that kid was too skinny. Of course, I could stand to lose some fat still, but the scale hasn't moved in about a month even as it's clear I've been gaining muscle so I'm going to strike that as a win, because it's typically impossible to gain muscle without also gaining overall weight.

I like what I'm seeing, anyway, and I haven't had this level of body confidence in a long while. There's body acceptance of course, which I had been practicing. But actually feeling good about how I look? That's been missing for a while.

Now if I could only get that ripped butch body I've envied since my 20s...

( / end weight & body talk)

5) I've gotta pick up my bike from the shop today, too. Tire sprung a slow leak earlier this week and while it would stay filled for a ride, I didn't want to risk the kids on it. Too much weight riding on that one tire. Besides, the tire itself was pretty much 100% bald. I'd been hoping I could wait one more week until the end of school, but the bike was like "nah."

It's always an adventure taking the bike to the shop. It's a longtail, it's like 70#, and it won't go on the back of our car like the other bikes so I have to ride it all the way down there. Which wouldn't be bad, but the shop is in the middle of a car-centric shopping area and it's kinda dangerous to not be encased in a solid metal cage. I biked it Wednesday afternoon during rush hour, though, so all the cars were going like, 15mph and I was breezing past them. Getting it home today will be a different adventure, but I can do it.

6) The day before my bike sprang a leak, our car went to the shop for weird noises. Turns out, we need a new transmission. 🙃 Fortunately, it's under warranty 🎉 (we've only got 80k on that car!!). We just have to wait for the person who can do transmissions to fit it on their schedule. I don't know if they've scheduled it yet, but in the meantime we have a loaner that's a 2024 version of our Crosstrek. And it's, uh, something. They aren't messing around with that full-screen tablet in lieu of actual controls, are they. Nor all the beeps any time you get close to an object. I've already told wife that if we need a new car, it's gonna be a used one because fuck all that (literal) noise. It's so distracting.

7) ... I guess I could try to write this morning while I have time.
spryng: (Default)
I feel like such a Florida parent. We're taking a week vacation with the kids this summer, but staying in-state. I just booked a place near Kennedy Space Center on the beach where we can chill for a few days, playing on the beach and going to the Space Center when we want. I remember all the times my parents took us to the beach for a long weekend/week or to KSC as part of our summer vacation. Rockets and ocean and church camp pretty much sum up my summers -- we're going to avoid repeating that last one, though.

I was surprised to be legit excited after hitting that little "book" button. When Lady got sick after our last bout of travel, I just about gave up on any major trips again. But it'll just be us in our own car, not sharing germs with everyone and their mother at the airport. Most things will be outside and KSC is pretty big and open. Although expensive as fuck. They must have realized they were the cheap attraction compared to Disney et al and jacked up their prices.

Ah well, it'll be worth it. I had CG help me pick out the place we're gonna stay (house rental vs hotel, settled on house because dealing with these two in a hotel is its own extra layer of headache and it wasn't any more expensive, even with the millions of fees they add on these days) and then told them both about the trip and KSC. Had to show them pics, of course, and you should've seen Toddler's face light up at the rockets. Dude's gonna have a day. CG, too, I hope -- visiting KSC when I was a kid was what got me super stoked about space and almost got me majoring in physics.

We'll have a whole week and the beach is only half of it -- I still have to figure out the other half. I'm pretty sure we're going to head back inland and hang at some springs we can't normally get to, maybe the science center, but not 100% sure yet. Either way, it'll be fun, if not always relaxing, and get us all out of the house for a bit.
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I think I finally realize why I don't like Mother's Day. Aside from the obvious -- the commercialization of it all, the way we sweep maternal (and parental) welfare under the rug even on the one day we should really talk about it, the lack of any parental leave or care in this country, the strange "happy mother's day!" from strangers who have been making Assumptions since I was 17, the grief it pulls up for those who've lost their mothers, the grief for those whose mothers were never there --

Aside from all that, there's a heavy expectation that the "mother" will have things done for them. And I reckoned with the reality that if you want something to happen, you have to do it, a long time ago. Birthdays, important days, holidays -- you want to celebrate? You better plan for it.

But you're actively not expected to plan for mother's day, which, a) fuck that, but also, b) it's hard to shake the feeling that someone else should be doing something. Even harder when you've got two moms. I tried a while ago to see if we could trade mother's & father's day each year, but that didn't work (even when I got a bowtie). And now the kids have Expectations that we do something, yet are too young to understand the above-stated reality and/or actually do anything themselves.

So it's always with a sense of dread that Mother's Day approaches. This year we're doing brunch with my mom and another mom (whose kids are with their dad this weekend). I tried to at least pick foods that could just be popped in the oven / chopped up, and maybe having two extra moms around will distract the kids. Because folks, I was on my own with both kids all day yesterday and I am tired. I love them, and one of them had been up since 4am.

It has been nice to see CG's interest in mother's day evolve from one of self to realizing it's a day for others, though. She asked me if I wanted to sleep in for mother's day and I just started laughing. I haven't been able to sleep in since even before kids. All I want is a quiet morning to drink my coffee and write, and... well, it's almost 5am and maybe I'll get that today.
spryng: (Default)
- CG's ability to understand more and more complex topics.

The other day, I was frustrated by something and said "I'm so stupid!" CG got upset, because she hates when any of us say mean things about ourselves. After I calmed down, I explained that I didn't really mean it, I just needed something nasty to say to match the nastiness I was feeling. And I pointed out, hey -- you do this, too. Because she does. When she gets really angry, she'll start saying stuff like "nobody loves me" and "I'm the worst." And I've tried to tackle these thoughts from a few angles, but finally, this time, she was like oh. "I know how you feel now when I say those things, because I really didn't like it when you said that mean thing about yourself."

I was like, yeah: but also, while I understand you don't really mean it, if you keep repeating it, you might believe it. This is why we use stronger words like the f-word instead -- to say something to get out some of that nasty feeling without being mean to ourselves or others. Another oh, followed closely by, so does this mean I can use the f-word??. 😂

- Our neighborhood and where we're situated. I can't get over how lucky we got with our location. It only took two days of looking at about 12 houses with minimal understanding of this city and how it functions, but now having been here for almost 4 years, I can't imagine a better place. We have two grocery stores within biking distance and a library all of us (even Toddler) can walk to and a playground we can bike to and CG's elementary school is also within biking distance. Plus, most of our neighbors are pretty cool and we keep discovering more who are around CG's age.

Not only that, but somehow I even lucked out with having a Crossfit box within walking/biking distance, so outside of the weekends, I legit don't use the car. I could ditch the car altogether here if the biking infrastructure were just a liiittle better. There are just several places that are too fucking dangerous to not use a car, especially with the kids. 😞

- Writing. I am actually enjoying writing for the first time in ages. I don't remember the last time words flowed like this. I wrote 2.5k one day last week and then 2k immediately the next day. If I had a bite more time, I'd be writing 2k days consistently. As it is, I've been taking a little extra time in the middle or at the end of the day to write and actually writing, too, whereas before I'd give myself 30min and then just... sit there.

The story is ridiculous -- fantasy horror with a splash of the surreal. It's a love letter to Half-Life and D&D and also a critique of both. Maybe it's fanfic, maybe it's not, I don't really care. I'm having fun and that's all that matters. It doesn't need to have a goal or a home or even ever be shared. I can just make something to make something. I don't know if not having an agent any more just lifted the burden of publishing off my shoulders, but something has changed and I'm so relieved.

- Toddler's cheeks. They're so squishy.

- Our garden. I have tried for years to grow a garden, and every year has been a disaster or worse. I've been chasing the high of our Tucson community garden, which was fucking magical. This year I tried again, and it looks like I actually planted everything early enough. We've got tomatoes starting to ripen, we've got peppers, we've got kale, we've even got cucumbers that CG is excited about. I don't know how long it'll last before the heat wrecks everything, but I'm babying that group of plants like the chickens.
spryng: (Default)
I should be writing but the rice only has a few minutes left on the timer and apparently once I get sub 20min on anything I'm waiting for, my brain freezes. So, hi friends!

It's funny how much I need Monday to just recover from the weekend. I've been trying to dial it back a bit, but this weekend we went & went & went. Saturday morning was farmer's market and errands and Saturday afternoon was a grill party with CG's best friend and her family that we've pretty much adopted. That meant four small kids running around in various states of getting along while two moms tried to grill and prepare food and a third ran her own errands.

It was good until it wasn't, and then it was 2+ kids having a meltdown while the other 2 were on the verge. I'm still learning how to best ebb and flow interactions with small kids to keep them a) engaged with each other, b) fed, and c) not overstimulated, but damn, it's hard. Sometimes we make it through a whole afternoon without any fights or tears and sometimes it's just one thing after another. This Saturday was a little of both.

Then Sunday was time at 2 Papas out at the lake. But first: a short run and then groceries with two kids and feeding said kids and getting all the swimming stuff together. I hustled hard to get out the door by mid-morning because there were thunderstorms forecast for early afternoon and both kids wanted to go out on the lake. Of course, we managed to get to the lake in a timely manner, only to find out the thunderstorms were now forecast for late afternoon. Well. We used the extra time to do crafts with the grandparents before heading out on the boat.

Gosh, we are so grateful to have the grandparents so close, and to have their house on a lake to boot. Florida's heat can get oppressive, but there's something about a body of water that kicks up a decent breeze and cuts through the worst of it. And drifting on a lake, watching the fluffy clouds grow and merge and grow even bigger is just... idk. Relaxing?

Well, it'd be relaxing if one kid wasn't running up and down the boat and the other wasn't whining about not getting to steer. 🙄

CG and I yeeted ourselves into the water to swim while the others continued to boat around. I'm really working on my fear of lakes/bodies of water I can't see the bottom of. Even knowing the lake is deep and spring-fed (ie, too cold for gators to really sneak up on you if you're out in the middle), it's still hard to just relax. But CG had a lot of fun and we must've spent a solid hour just splashing around before we headed back inside.

I might need to suggest to my mom that 85 degrees is hot enough to run the a/c, though. 😬 They like having all the windows open and letting a breeze through, but there's definitely a point when you start feeling a bit sick instead of comfortable. Between the swimming, the heat, and the activities, I was absolutely exhausted by the time we got home. Thankfully, the kids were, too.

I was still exhausted Monday morning, so I skipped Crossfit (gasp) and planned not to work until later in the day. I'm endlessly grateful that I can even do that, that I have a job that is flexible enough for me to take that extra time here and there. I've been very grateful about a lot of things lately; these kids, this place, this life. Even if I need to recover from a weekend with kids ^^()
spryng: (Default)
37 sure feels like the age of self-advocacy. Late last year I gathered my courage and asked my boss what it would take to get the next promotion. I also reminded him again and again that our pay band had been forgotten when they redid the rest of our department's descriptions and bands -- as well as our mini team's job descriptions.

Then there was the ER visit and almost emergency gallbladder surgery, where I maybe foolishly asked to schedule it instead. But it turned out I was right about my own body (shock) and everything was fine.

Knowing I wasn't ready to return to Crossfit yet and actually following through and letting the coach know and taking the time I needed. The subsequent workouts after I'd returned where I felt something was off and, instead of pushing through like I would have in the past, asked for an alternative movement.

All the little self-advocating for my social needs inbetween, with going to those book club meetups, write-ins, and events.

Then, of course, this recent decision with regards to my publishing career. Easily the hardest decision I've had to make in years, but also the most important.

And, almost too small to mention, but yesterday I asked someone at the new B&N how to be a part of the local author events. I was shaking afterwards (I wish that kind of thing didn't freak me out so much), but also a little giddy. Now I just have to follow through with the contact info they gave me, but that first question is always so hard.

I was just chatting with my mom yesterday about how much better my 30s were from my 20s. She mentioned, as someone in her 70s herself, that her 40s and 50s were really the best. I've heard that echoed from so many others as well--that life gets better, in general, as you shuck off any remaining fucks to give. I thought I'd shucked them all with therapy, but I guess I'm still shucking. Someday I might even not have to celebrate when I perform any of the above-mentioned self-advocacy.
spryng: (Default)
Toddler has been awake since 3am. So have I. He hasn't been unhappy, just chatty, but it was intermittent enough I couldn't fall back asleep. I gave up at 4.30 and now I'm here, with some coffee.

I want to work on cannibal!WIP but it's hard to concentrate even when he's just chatty, so here I am: brain dumping.

I went to a Park Run for the first time since January on Saturday. I'm finally easing my way back into running even though my god, my endurance is shot. I asked CG if she wanted to come the night before and she insisted I wake her up. Cool, I thought. They've been doing laps at P.E. and it sounds like they're working up to a certain distance. If they can run that, they get small prize. So she's got motivation to run.

But then when it came to the actual waking up and going, I should have realized sooner something was off. I woke her up later than I normally do during the week, but she was still tired and dragging. She kept complaining about being tired, but when I asked if she wanted to stay, she dug her heels in. Then when we got there and there were all the people that are normally at the Park Run, she got super shy and refused to actually run. 🙄

I decided I was going to be encouraging instead of uptight about it, so we ran-walked the first lap together and then she sat out the second to rest. She joined me on the third lap but barely made it 1/10 of the way before complaining about her legs hurting and whinging about going home. She asked me how I was able to like running and I admitted I hated it at first. But as you get better, you discover you like it -- or you realize you don't. I shared that Dr Lady used to run with me, but never grew to like it, so she stopped.

She was adamant about hating it, but after digging a bit, I realized it was the embarrassment at being around so many other people. I offered to run with her, just the two of us, in our neighborhood sometime. That she got excited about. :)

We stopped after the 3rd lap (a 5k is 4), but at least now we had a plan and I was able to tamp down on my frustration. And I was able to go on a real run the next morning, which definitely helped ease out the rest of my tension. Not training for a 10k certainly makes me a bit more flexible. ^^()
spryng: (Default)
I guess I've managed to construct a little boat to cross that ocean after all. I don't know what happened, but these sorts of breakthroughs seem to coincide with admitting to the pain and problem and metaphorically throwing in a towel. Since that post, I put down one project and picked up the more recent one (cannibal!WIP) and was able to slide back in like no time had passed.

I'm tentatively putting my toes back into some of the publishing pools, too. At least the ones where my friends talk about more than just publishing. I think I need to stay away from any actual shoptalk for now, but I missed the other nonsense.

I accepted that the current projects I have are going nowhere, but I still want to make the edits I know they need before letting them go. Cannibal!WIP especially can be shaped into something that works with relative ease; I just can't do the extensive edits my agent wanted. TBH, she simply didn't like the story (or the characters, hah), and, while I'm sure there are folks out there who can ditch everything about the story that made it That Story and do something new with the remaining bits and pieces, I can't. Once I've got that skeleton down, I can't go back and pulverize it.

I'm pretty sure that's where most of my distress was coming from -- that tension between the edits I want to do and knowing they would never be enough to make the story what she wanted. So every time I started to work on it, I just got mired in self-doubt which inevitably twisted into self-hate. Now that I've given it some time and accepted that I can't make her changes, I just had to decide if I'd still try to make some edits or move on. But I do like this story, and I think the bones are strong. I'll see how it feels after some fixing, but I can always self-pub it under a pseudonym or drop it on Ao3 or something.

I also looked into getting the rights back for my books with Tor, because having control again would mean so much. Namely, giving them covers that better reflected their vibes, and knowing that however they sold was actually entirely on me. But after sniffing around, it sounds like that's more difficult than I'd initially hoped. Still, maybe someday...

At least summer is coming up. I forgot I was able to do the bulk of writing last year while Cabin Girl was out of school; because I didn't have to wake her up and feed her and pack her lunch and bike her to school every day, I got an extra hour to just write. It's amazing what I can do with just an hour when I'm motivated.

This summer, I'm going to fix these WIPs. And then I'm going to let them go.
spryng: (Default)
I feel like physically at least, I'm back. Woke up at 4.30am the last few mornings with no problem. Energy is back to normal, no longer feel like I'm constantly fighting against a heavy wet towel. Crossfit feels good again, biking doesn't wind me, now I just need to find some time to run.

Mentally...

I don't know. I was doing better. I'd gone to that Camp NaNo write-in and it was great. But then I went to the second one and I opened up my current project and immediately felt all the will to work on it drain from me. I found myself being profoundly negative when talking about writing with the others there and had to shut myself up. I'm not that person. Or at least, I don't want to be.

Now that I'm feeling better, I have the time to write again, but there's just... nothing there. Like a big vast ocean that I've come to and know I need to cross somehow, but I can't begin to grasp how. It would help if I knew how far the next shore is, how deep the water, how many beasties are churning beneath the waves, but all I can see is the flat open expanse and it's paralyzing. There's loads of advice on how to cross this or that ocean, this or that sea, but not even knowing the shape of it, I can't begin to apply any of that advice. All I can do is sit here, knowing I had friends once, on the other side. A whole life. Dreams.

And every time I try to walk away or ignore it, I can't. It's an ocean. It's vast. I can hear its waves. I can smell its salt. I put my toe in the cool water, maybe splash around, but I'm afraid to go any deeper lest a riptide pull me under and I drown. Or I'm simply delivered back to shore again, back to square one, but this time exhausted, dripping wet, and scared.
spryng: (Default)
Yesterday I finally got to fulfill my promise to take Toddler to the Zoo. Back around Easter I decided to take a half day at work and go to the local community college zoo with him, but apparently Good Friday is one of the only four days they're closed each year. We ended up going to a park and walking along a creek, picking up sticks and spotting animals, and he had fun, but several times since then he's dejectedly said "the Zoo is closed :(" out of nowhere.

So I was like, you know what, it's a beautiful weekend and we're not going to have many more of those before summer hits in full. My only worry was Cabin Girl coming along, because I wanted this to just be the two of us. Surprisingly, she opted to stay home and have quality time with Dr Lady, so that ended up a win all around.

The weather was perfect, if not the crowd. I'd forgotten there was an art fair going on at the community college, so there were a lot more folks than usual, but not an annoying amount. The Zoo isn't super big, so I let him spend as much time as he wanted looking at every animal. He probably spent the most watching the ducks, hah. He was excited to see the gators (we'd been reading a book called Gator Gator Gator, so he kept calling them that), slightly terrified of the peacock (fair), and a wild fan of all the primates. Later he told Dr Lady that the gibbons kept doing tricks and showing off, which, I mean, fair.

He was having the time of his little life; and then he saw the train.

The arts fair had a small trolley dressed up like a train to shuttle folks between the zoo and the fair. It was barely big enough for an adult to sit inside, but you bet he was on a beeline for it. It's a good thing he spotted the train at the end of the Zoo, because he barely acknowledged the remaining animals (mostly birds) and kept asking "where's the train?"

I hadn't meant to visit the art festival but there was no way I was going to deny this kiddo a ride. We found the train and got on and he was just the happiest little train rider. I love the way his expression just kind of goes slack when he's overwhelmed with joy. 😂

The arts fair itself was not his cup of tea -- and mine neither, since I didn't bother bringing sunscreen and it was set up in a shade-less parking lot. The zoo is very well shaded and cool, but I could feel my skin crisping right away when we hit the fair. I got him ice cream, which he devoured in that same overwhelmed way, and then we had to walk all the way back because the train rides had just ended. That's okay because we told silly knockknock jokes and made monkey noises the entire way back.

Dr Lady had texted me that she and CG were "shredding and sewing," so I was a bit scared at what I was going to come back to. Turns out, she'd pulled out the shredder and CG was having an absolute blast shredding all the old medical docs we'd been meaning to, well, shred, while Lady sewed the taekwondo patches CG had earned on her uniform. So they had fun 😂😂😂

Toddler told them all about our trip -- how we saw a Gator Gator Gator, and the monkeys were showing off, and there was a TRAIN and it was blue red yellow, and he got to see a SNAKE and a BABY SNAKE.

His joy was the best part. I'm so glad I got to take him, and it was so easy just the two of us. I don't know what it is about siblings but sometimes two of them is like wrangling a dozen kids. I definitely want to do something like this more often -- go off on an adventure with just one of them.

Today we're going blueberry picking altogether, which will be adventure enough.

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