Flamethrowers and Umbrellas

Beach Day

Thu, 23 Apr 2026 09:26:23 GMT

Oh it was so good, y'all.

I worried beforehand, as I always do. Weather dot Gov said it'd be smokey, and also a little chilly, and also that there were riptides the day before. The surf was supposed to be rough (but good for surfing). The water was cold. I was still so worn down on Tuesday. Was it really worth driving all that way?

But we did and yes, it was worth it. Reminder for next year's Kai: 71F water and 75F day is perfect. And while yes, we drove through a lot of smoke (Florida and the entire SE is currently on fire), and there was even smoke in the Publix parking lot just a stone's throw from the beach, the beach itself was fine. I was right that the constant breeze off the water would keep it clear.

It was a hazy day, though. Thin clouds so the sun was never in full force which, again, perfect. I don't particularly care for those scorching hot beach days, where the only respite is the water and your skin is cooked within minutes. We put on sunscreen just once and were there 3 hours; my face feels a little warm this morning, but no visible sun burns.

CG came with us; I offered her the choice Tuesday night and the girl had to actually think about it. Us was me and my MIL -- she leaves next week so I wanted to take the chance to go to the beach while she was still here.

CG and I attacked the waves. I was extra careful at first, what with the red flag warning and all the rip tide warnings, so we didn't go out further than she could stand. It was high tide, so that left us a lot of space to swim and play. She's gotten so good about going with the waves. She'd get hit and go under and then pop up a few seconds later laughing.

Unfortunately she lost her goggles toward the end. She was absolutely distraught. I tried to find them, but, well. She ended up calming down by drawing in the sand with MIL, which brought out the delightful proclamation: "playing in the sand is fun!"

I got a last swim by myself; swam hard out into the deeper parts then just let the waves crash over me. I could've stayed for another hour, but I'd promised CG ice cream on the way home and we had a 5yo to pick up.

i swear, the ocean healed me. I'd been so so tired that morning and still congested, but by the time we left I was... fine? I should've been exhausted because I'd been straight up swimming in chilly water for almost 3 hours, but no. The older I get, the more I've realized that I need to be in the water more: pools, lakes, rivers, oceans, whatever I can get. I'm glad CG is old enough to go with me; I'm hoping 5yo will at least learn to swim this summer (well, without floaties). Because I can't wait to take both of them.

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Tue, 21 Apr 2026 09:51:40 GMT

Some days, I'm so very very grateful folks stopped trying to convince me I'd want kids some day when I came out as gay. It was a constant refrain as I was growing up, that of course I'd want kids, and that sure I said I didn't now, but I'd definitely change my mind.

This, naturally, was the worst thing to say to a kid with a stubborn streak the size of Montana. When I was four, I said my favorite number was four; my brother scoffed and said it was only because I was four, and that it'd change when I was five. Well guess who has pink hair and whose favorite number is still four? When I was in middle school, my best friend went vegetarian. I went vegetarian with her in solidarity. Again, my brother said I wouldn't last a week. Well, guess who was vegetarian for ten years?

So yeah, call it spite, call it stubborn, I definitely wasn't going to have kids if everyone kept telling me I'd change my mind. It was only when they stopped and I was given room to actually think about it that I went "okay... maybe...?" And when I met my SIL's baby for the first time, I had the space to go "I get it now."

And I'm grateful for that because dang, I love these kids. CG cackling after telling a bad joke and all of us groaning. 5yo giving me a blanket when I'm lying on the couch, sick. The two of them playing so well together that I can actually have space and time without having to close myself in a back room. CG frustrated because she's already worked ahead through all the extra fraction math her teacher gave them. 5yo excitedly showing her the new dinosaur series he found in the library. The two of them geeking out over Dog Man together.

Babies were cute, but hard. Kids, though. Kids are great. I love watching them grow, watching them become more and more who they are, watching them make their own choices. So many times, I just watch them and can't help but smile.

...I wrote all that on Saturday and then on Sunday we went out to the lake and CG and I had a fantastic time flipping the kayak. ^^() Life skills, I guess? But again, her cackling as she jumped off the end of the kayak, flipping me into the water, was golden. And then working together to flip it back over again. Ugh, I love this age.

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Mon, 16 Feb 2026 13:18:06 GMT

What a busy weekend, and we're not even done.

Saturday I made pink pancakes for the kiddos, then took CG and 5yo to piano lessons. Afterwards, we hit up the library for an hour, since Dr Lady had a 3 hour taekwondo event. I found a few more kids' cook books and am going to try again to get CG involved in the weekly cooking. I swear at this point I'm beating a dead horse, but hey, maybe the horse will suddenly start kicking. I feel like if I can just find the right thing, she'll get interested. She likes making eggs, after all.

After we got home from the library, they helped me clean out the garage. Once Dr Lady came home, I let everyone vege for a few hours, because that evening we were going to pick up some Indian food and go watch the bats. Half of that turned out all right--surprisingly the food pick up. We had a 30min wait for our food, so the kids sprinted back and forth outside, and then I corralled them in the back of the car where they happily worked through 5yo's activity book. He's gotten really into those find-the-object activities, as well as simple mazes, so Dr Lady got him a whole stack of those kinds of books for his birthday.

The food took longer than I'd budgeted for, timewise, so by the time we got to bats, the nearby parking was full up and people were everywhere. We had to walk a ways and then we were on the wrong side of the road to really watch, but it was getting too dark and there were too many cars to cross the road safely. We got to see somebats come out of the bat houses, but not the endless stream I was hoping for.

And then it was very dark and 5yo was tired and wild and running all over the place--near the gator-infested lake and then near the car-infested road. Not great! Then he just laughed at us when we told him to stop and come back, so I had to take away his stuffie for the evening. It was a struggle with him the rest of the night, but at least Sunday we were fine again.

Both kids were up when it was time to go get groceries, so I put 5yo on my bike and CG biked on her own. She's doing such a good job with biking further and further and learning how to share the road with cars. She had no problem at all biking all the way to the grocery store and back again.

We only had a little time at home after, because the university put on a little science fair at Depot Park that only ran for a few hours. So we hustled over there and the kids got to touch a whale's baleen, learn about frog calls, and pet caterpillars. It was fun, if a bit windy, because the cold front was coming in. We closed out the fair and then played on the playground for a bit and I reminisced on how we used to come to this park every weekend. The friends we'd meet up with there have all unfortunately moved on or ghosted us, but I really want to go there more often again. It's such a nice park with a big playground and lots of safe space for the kids to run around in.

We were all exhausted by the time we got home, so we let the kids vege again.

And today, as soon as these kiddos wake up, we're going to see manatees. :)

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Thu, 12 Feb 2026 11:03:16 GMT

I should be at Crossfit, but the fatigue has risen up and consumed me this week. I could feel it approaching on Monday, and Tuesday it hit me like a truck. I'm trying to just ride it out and allow myself to rest, although some anxiety seems to be wound up in it. I just keep reminding myself I've been here before and it was better for so long, and I know what to do to make it better again. That I'd noticed my food choices slipping since November and even remarked to Dr Lady last week that I wasn't eating much meat again.

It feels silly that apparently I need meat to avoid this fatigue, but I haven't been able to get enough iron/B12 on a vegetarian-adjacent diet, even with supplements. Blrgh. But I also need my energy back; I truly felt like my old self for a while there. I was PRing lifts and being a boss all summer, but I feel like I've been barely keeping up since fall.

Definitely 90% of the blame can be placed on the stress in December. I thought I'd got out of that relatively unscathed, but I guess I'm finally paying for it. I did try to take January easy, and I've been alcohol-free for five weeks (hoorah), as well as consistently exercising. I need to prioritize getting outside again and there are a few other things I could dial in.

Unfortunately, it looks like there might be another crunch coming up at work in March. I've already warned them I'm not working outside of hours and this crunch is entirely because other people don't value our work ("we want training on this process, but we haven't finalized this process, and we're launching in May no matter what" r-e-a-l-l-y). It doesn't help that boss-boss keeps telling us to just "use AI." Ma'am, I don't think that's going to help when folks still don't know what they want their users to do.

All the more reason I got to get hold of this fatigue wave while I can. I wish there was a simpler solution; I feel like the older I get, the less forgiving my body is. I also feel like I'm not old enough to feel this way, lol. My body should not hurt like this, I should not be this damn tired.

But it does and I am, so here we go.

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Birfdays

Sun, 08 Feb 2026 12:57:48 GMT

4yo is going to become 5yo this week, so yesterday we had his birthday party. February is peak strawberry season here, so when he was 2yo we celebrated by inviting friends/family to come strawberry picking with us. A lark became tradition, and now 4yo started asking about strawberry picking for his birthday back in October.

It helps that the farm we pick at is both just up the road and has a play area for the kids. For a fraction of what it would cost at any other play place, we can have them and their friends play all afternoon in the sand and sun. I hope he continues wanting to pick strawberries for his birthday because this is a way better tradition than going to a loud, overwhelming jump place.

I had to admit, what with all the cold and hard freezes, I wasn't even sure the strawberry place would be open. But their plants were healthy, even if some of the berries were clearly frost-bitten, and while the pickings were slimmer than usual for this time of year, there were still pickings. I think we got two pounds?

It was also just a perfectly nice day, one of those Florida winter days that almost make up for our summers. We haven't had a lot of those this winter, what with either the bitterly cold days or the cloudy ones, so it was nice to be out and be grateful.

The cold has really been a lot. I know the rest of the country is being hit hard, too, so I haven't been complaining, but (lol) I have had to de-ice the chicken water way more times than any other winter we've been here and most of our frost-sensitive plants are dead. Pour one out for our poor elephant ears. I'm waiting to see if the lemon tree pulls through, but it's not looking good. :/

Today we continue the birthday shenanigans with a dinosaur show. I'm not entirely sure what we're walking into, but it's put on by the university's Performing Arts and it looks like realistic dinosaur animatronics? IDK, but I'm 100% sure 4yo will enjoy it. I'm also reminded that I need to check out their showings more regularly, because I missed a lot of cool stuff last year.

And then later this week he'll be 5 and somehow we'll be half a decade into having two kids and living in this house in Florida and he'll start Kindergarten in the fall. We're finally transitioning out of the baby era, which lasted seemingly forever. A lot of the things he was struggling with earlier this year he's pretty much got the hang of now -- emotional regulation, for one; bedtime, for another. Even food, he's starting to open back up on. Is toddlerhood over?

I, for one, am just grateful to have two kids who sleep in past 5am, and no more middle of the night wake-ups. Solid sleep schedules are really the pinnacle of parenthood, and I know my mental health has been a lot more stable for it.

Here's to another five years and really getting to know who this little guy is. <3

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Snow!

Sun, 01 Feb 2026 11:10:36 GMT

It's 20F outside right now; even Florida isn't getting away this time.

The front came in with strong winds yesterday afternoon, to the point where, when I went out to get a new heat bulb for the chicken coop, I was legit worried about driving. Thankfully our car is heavy enough that it didn't actually get blown off the road, but I always flash back to my little red 90s Saturn and how even a mild breeze felt like I was going to get blown away.

Anyway, I found the bulb to replace our cracked one, so the chickens should be fine. Honestly I'm probably coddling them a bit, because their coop is warm enough. When it's light out, though, I'll have to defrost their water because that will definitely be frozen solid.

Back to yesterday, with the wind and the temps dropping 20 degrees in an hour, I kept seeing these flurries of white, here and gone almost as quickly, and I was like "...no, that's just leaves/debris/dust kicked up by the wind." But then we were finishing up covering the plants (pour one out for my poor elephant ears that never had a chance after the last 25F snap), I saw the flurries again. And this time, there was a lot more. I ran outside and put my hand out and--sure enough--a little bundle of snow melted on my hand. Snow!!

It only lasted for a few minutes, but we definitely had snow flurries here in North Florida. CG went out and chased them without a jacket and I had to text all our friends in town so they could see it before it vanished. I tried to take a picture, but there just wasn't enough that it would show up, and by the time I remembered I could use flash to capture it better, it was gone.

It's supposed to be 20F again tonight, then gradually warm back up to normal temps. Getting to school tomorrow is going to be... interesting. We walked instead of biked all last week because my cut-off for biking for the kids has been 32F. I guess we'll just have another week of walking.

We're into February now; the shortest month and looking to be a busy one. 4yo becomes 5yo next (not this) week, so we've got a strawberry-picking party planned. Of course, now I'm wondering if there will even be any strawberries after all these freezes; they really need a proper warm period to grow big and tasty. The frost does make them sweeter, although I don't know if I'd call 20F "frost," lol.

Otherwise, we've got a 4 day weekend coming up that we should do something for, because it'll be the last proper time off until summer break (I'm going to Sirens for spring break, so that doesn't count). Maybe we'll go see the manatees? Do a day at St Augustine? IDK. I'll poll the family and see what they want to do, but I don't want to sit around at home for four days while everyone slowly goes insane.

All right, I'm going to cozy up with these cats and see if I can't finish reading Kate Elliot's THE NAMELESS LAND.

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Sun, 04 Jan 2026 13:16:59 GMT

So far this year I have:
- gone on a chilly, 28F New Year's run
- borrowed a friend's carpet cleaner and thoroughly cleaned 4/6 carpets/rugs; begone cat puke and old food stains!
- played Fur Elise and realized it's actually a really easy song
- played Auld Lang Syne almost flawlessly
- re-arranged 4yo's bedroom, to his delight
- attempted hamburger buns; they were edible, but much room for improvement
- fully switched to my new Linux laptop (goodbye Windows!)
- read the last few Animorphs books (only 25 years late, it's fine) and had to process the emotional fallout
- finally caught up on emails
- made travel arrangements for Sirens Conference in March
- started sorting through accumulated files/papers/documents
- finished putting together the miniature coffee shop my wife got me for Christmas

Not too bad. I'm particularly proud of the carpet cleaning, lol. Not that our carpets were never cleaned, but there's only so much scrubbing the various cat puke sites and stains will take. Our friend loaned us a carpet cleaner that has a steam setting that lifted all that shit (pun intended) right out. I went from thinking "wow, we should probably replace the carpet soon" to "oh wait I guess they just needed to be cleaned."

On the one hand, I like how much easier it is to keep the faux hardwood floors clean in the rest of the house, but on the other, it's hard to imagine anything but carpet in a bedroom. Someday maybe when the kids are grown we'll rip it all out, but for now I should probably, uh, deep clean more often.

I'm also pretty happy with my new laptop and switching to Linux. I'd been meaning to for a few years now but didn't want to spend a day (or more) installing a new OS. Since I needed a new laptop anyway (the screen was flickering/dying on the old one and I managed to narrow down the diagnosis to a hardware problem), I researched ones that came with Linux-preinstalled. I just really wanted to be able to keep working on my WIP out of the box.

There's a little bit of a learning curve -- I can't seem to get Dropbox to work, for example -- but the absence of bloatware and efficiency of the OS is so noticeable, it's like I'd been wearing a forty-pound weight vest for so long and finally got to slip out of it. Like, I knew Windows had gotten real bad in the last few years, but wow.

Also: good riddance OneDrive. Fucking hate how Microsoft wants to do away with native drives and force all your stuff to the cloud. And an added bonus, I don't have to worry about Copilot creeping into more and more of my programs.

Only downside is that now when I use my work computer, it feels even slower. Welp.

And last, after the series ended 25 years ago, I finally read the last few books in the Animorphs series. I don't remember exactly why I stopped reading them, although re-reading some of the latter books was a chore: that 3/4 mark was really rough, with cliched plots and clunky writing and some really head-scratching characterization.

But the last four books are a ride and a half and oof the feels with that ending. I wish I could've been reading it in real time with the fandom community back when it still existed. I'm glad ebooks exist now and I could finally finish reading it; KA Applegate certainly pulled no punches when it came to child warriors, huh. To think that series started as middle grade.

Today is the last day of the kids' winter break; they go back to school/childcare tomorrow. I have two more days off, having shifted my PTO to account for the fact that I, uh, didn't actually take time off over Christmas. Now that I've (somewhat) recovered from that hectic ~~two~~ ~~three~~ four weeks, I really want to pore myself into finishing the edits on this WIP. Having kids home has made it hard to really sink in and focus, so hopefully a quiet house will help.

And then Wednesday I travel to Michigan for dayjob. Phew.

But first, today: a friend's wedding.

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2026

Thu, 01 Jan 2026 10:49:42 GMT

It's Done.

The work project. The year. Anything else that I wanted to do in 2025, I guess.

Goodbye 2025. You weren't all bad, but you sure were stressful.

I forgot to mention in my round-up post that we did add a cat to the family this year, bringing us up to a perilously dangerous ratio of animals to humans. Nova is almost nine months old now and fitting in well. She's stopped eating toes, at least.

Hello 2026. I'm not placing all my hopes in you, nor am I really setting a lot of goals/resolutions. I just want to... maintain? I have a workout routine down, I regularly practice piano, I'm clearly writing and reading. Keep all that going into my 40s and I should be good.

I want to learn guitar, or at least get as good with it as I am piano and bread: that is, able to pull it out and play a song or two. I have an app and a list of video lessons that reddit recommended, so my goal is to do those somewhat regularly.

My only really big, lofty goal is: I want to write a song. Nothing fancy, but enough to show that I understand music. Playing instruments, putting together lyrics and a melody and a beat, all of that is a lot like bread was for me: indecipherable. I mentioned recently that writing feels as easy as breathing and it's difficult to wrap my head around the fact that some folks just can't write. Well, music has always seemed completely magical, and something I could never do.

Now, I don't want to become a musician. Far from it. But I want to better understand the craft and care. I want to listen to a song and maybe get what they're doing, what they're crafting, instead of just going "this sounds nice and I don't know why." I want to appreciate the skill, I guess, and to that end I have to at least dip my toe in a little.

Going to that concert last spring really re-awoken something in me. I like live music. I know this town has some really good bands, and even hosts an internationally-known music festival. I want to take advantage of that. Lady isn't really a big music person, and I've let that steer me away from it as well. But I like it and the kids are old enough that I shouldn't feel bad about leaving her on her own with them. Heck, maybe I could bring CG with me.

Maybe I could commit to one show every other month or every season. That would be easy enough. Either way, I want to do it and I almost feel like I need to.

So yeah: write a song, for which I just need to finally understand the basics of music. No biggie.

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Void Week: Sundry

Wed, 31 Dec 2025 12:28:56 GMT

It's the last day of 2025. I can see the orange edge of sunrise through the pines out my window.

I've covered dayjob, I've covered writing, but what about the other stuff? This year I set daily nibbles of reading, piano, and writing. I... mostly succeeded in those three areas.

I can now successfully play Fur Elise, Greensleeves, and other two-handed pieces where there's not a lot of fancy stuff. I can sightread again and I'm working on remembering all the different keys. While I didn't practice every day, I practiced when I could and I found myself playing at the end of many days just to unwind and relax. Playing piano is very soothing; it's both a skill to better and an artistic outlet, but it lights up different parts of my brain than reading and writing.

Bread was the other big task I set myself this year, and I think after successfully baking several sourdough loaves, sourdough bagels, and a cinnamon roll focaccia for Christmas, I can confidently declare that a success. I have a happy sourdough starter I can take out of the fridge when needed and I've learned enough bread skills that I can tackle most bread. Insta-yeast breads still elude me, but that's fine, really. I'm happy with sourdough... and focaccia, lol.

...actually, maybe I'll make some focaccia today...

Reading I touched on in a previous post, but suffice it to say reading a few pages every day came and went. I think that's fine, honestly. Some days I don't have the attention/spoons, some days I do, and as long as in general I'm still reading, I'm not going to sweat it.

Everything, really, seems to come in waves. Trying to do something every day works only so long before the universe breaks through a wall like the coolaid man. I think that's a key thing I've learned this year: that it's okay not to do something every day. Life and sicknesses and dayjob and, yes, obsessions get in the way. And that's fine. As long as I come back to it, we're good.

Oh yeah, I also surpassed my 20-year-old self when it comes to strength. I blew through all of my old PRs - bench, deadlift, squat, clean, you name it - and set new ones. I may be slower than I was, but I'm definitely stronger and I'm happy with that. I also avoided injuring myself or burning out and listened to my body when it told me I needed a day off. I love my 5am crew and knowing they'll miss me definitely helps get me out the door some mornings. But knowing that no matter what the workout is, I can do it, is a big motivator too.

It's been a fun year watching the kids grow, too. I've loved watching CG blossom into a reader, who insists on bringing a book on long car rides -- and sometimes just the back of the bike. She started with comics and jumped seemingly straight into 300 page middle grade fantasy. She has to have a book in her backpack for school and she loves when they go to the library at her after school program.

I also got to see her swimming greatly improve; she can handle ocean waves just fine now.

4yo also started learning how to swim this year and, while he still needs floaties, he's a lot more confident and actually excited to go into the water. We'll likely do more swim lessons in the summer and after that, he'll probably be fine without floaties. Ah, it'll be such a relief when both kids can swim well.

4yo likewise blossomed, starting pre-k in the fall and now proudly reciting his ABCs and counting up to 100. He can recognize most letters and a few words and loves when his sister reads to him. He's likewise graduated from listening to us read him picture books to chapter books (with pictures, though), and we're steadily working our way through CG's stash of age-appropriate books.

In fact, one of the drives this week to 2 Papas' was almost entirely silent as they were both absorbed in their books. Is this the future??

They fight, of course, and 4yo likes to antagonize CG--but does not like when she retaliates, natch--but over all they seem to be getting along really well. Yesterday I took them both to the grocery store with me and I glanced back to make sure they hadn't strayed too far and they were holding hands. T_T

Travel went much better with them this year and overall they both seem much more capable of handling long drives, long days, and lots of walking. Which is great, because I really want to travel more in the coming years. A friend recently mentioned that when she met us, we used to travel all the time, and now we hardly do and... well. Yeah. Some of that is Lady's compromised immune system, some of it is traveling is just hard with little kids, and some of it was money. But this coming year we are going to the Grand Tetons and we will do another beach trip (or two) and hopefully some other stuff between.

Anyway, all in all... this year felt like laying the foundations for more fun/adventure in the future. Being able to bake if needed, play music, bang out a book, read for fun or research, lift heavy... yeah. I don't know what I'm going to build yet, but I'm going to build something.

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Void Week: Writing

Sun, 28 Dec 2025 11:00:38 GMT

While things might have been an absolute mess at dayjob, writing went unexpectedly well this year. 4yo has clearly fully transitioned away from his 4am/5am surprise wake-ups, as well as sleeps through the night, every night now.

Just knowing I will have the hours before 6.30am to myself make a huge difference, mentally. Back when he would randomly wake up between 4 and 7, I was always on edge, waiting for the creak of his door. It was hard to sink into the mindspace for writing, which inevitably meant I just wasted that time futzing around instead. I wonder, now, if that inability to get into the flow was why nothing I wrote was good enough.

And mornings are the only time I get, so if he's awake, they're over. In another year or two he'll be more like 9yo: either sleeping in or happy to go do his own thing so I can keep writing. I can't even begin to imagine what that would be like.

...or can I? Well, maybe I'll get back to that.

I kept up my goal of reading a bit every day, although I certainly fell off it from time to time. That said, I did read 24 books which probably seems incredibly low to some of you, but previous years I struggled to read 15. I would like to get back to a book a week, at least, and I can see that coming. Although... that number does not include all the children's books I read. If we count those, we're easily over 100, hah. I read at least 20 Animorphs books this year (we're on #50 now, ie the final stretch), all of the Alien Nextdoor books, most if not all of the Princess in Black series, some of the Kitty books... and those are all chapter books, I'm not even counting picture books.

My MIL got me a new ereader for Christmas--the old one won't even turn on anymore--so here's to more reading in the dark before going to sleep.

Anyway, back to writing. I finished writing catastrophe!WIP last winter, edited it over the spring, gave it to betas early summer, made more edits over the summer, and finally started querying it in August. Reading the entries around that book are such a wild ride, because I clearly loved it while I was working on it, but as soon as I started querying, all my confidence in it evaporated. To the point where I think I only queried 20 agents total, which is such a drop in the bucket.

Almost all of them have passed. Three requested fulls, and two of those have already declined, one of which at least offered some suggestions for revision and was open to a R&R. I'm still waiting on the third, and then I'm going to let it go. It is a weird project, one that doesn't fit neatly in a sci-fi or fantasy or horror bucket but is a little of each and I think all of publishing is skittish about things that don't fit right now.

My current WIP has a clearer hook, and therefore a better chance, I think.

Which brings us to those wild six weeks where I fever-wrote about vampires, of all damn things. A book I was reading tweaked something in my brain and I literally put it down and banged out 10 pages of a new idea. And then I was off, writing 2k+ every day with ease. I would write 300 words in the 20min before crossfit in the morning and write 300 words in the dark before going to sleep every evening and another 1 or 2k inbetween. It really was like a possession: any spare time was spent writing.

It was such a freeing feeling, like an unblocked sink, like being able to breathe after a long cold, like finally getting to the top of the biggest hill in town and then rolling back down.

And now I've been editing that WIP for the last few months and it's weirdly... not even in first draft shape. More like second or even third draft. To the point where I'm wondering if I'm still too close to it.

But I like it and I've already got half a query written and a first draft synopsis. It's urban fantasy, so that opens me up to different agents. I plan on querying come January, when agents open up for the year.

And honestly, if that doesn't get any bites... I might be done. At least until I retire. Publishing seems to be going through another tightening belt phase and even strong midlist authors are struggling like they haven't before, and with my publishing baggage, I know my books are just going to be a hard sell.

Maybe I'll try selfpub. Maybe I'll just write for myself and steadily tuck books away. I definitely won't stop writing, but it's harder and harder to ask other people to read what I write. How does my stuff stand out when there are such amazing authors out there, so many amazing books? Why should anyone spend their time with the thoughts in my head? I don't have an answer to that, so.

So yeah, a pretty good year for writing, despite the political distractions, despite the chronic fatigue, despite dayjob creeping further and further outside of it's box. If I finish edits this week, that'll be two books done in one year.

I'll take it.

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Happy Christmas

Fri, 26 Dec 2025 11:13:45 GMT

I made it through. All the planning, present buying, wrapping, cooking, preparation, etc came to fruition at 7am Christmas morning when four excited kids opened their stockings and then a few hours later tore through their presents.

We adults had decided not to get each other anything, although my SIL still snuck some small things into stockings and I still got my brother a "What the Fuck" fidget toy. Still, the absence of presents for us was not noticeable, or if it was at all, it was the relief. Watching and enjoying the kids opening their presents was the real joy, if I'm allowed to be that cliche. I sat next to 4yo and helped him unwrap his and pointed out who had given him what so he could shout his thanks.

And the moments when you saw the real delight -- ugh, love it, gonna miss it when they're older. I was listening to a You're Wrong About podcast episode about the history of Christmas, and how yes, it's been thoroughly commercialized, but first it was turned from a wild party holiday to a children-oriented one and wow, yeah. I've really come to see that since having kids.

Also can I just say I love this age? We had a 3yo, 4yo, and two 9yos and they all played together so well. Sometimes the 3yo would make toddler decisions (mine!) but 4yo handled it (or came and got us) and there were many times I looked around and realized they were off playing somewhere (outside, the attic) and I didn't have to worry. It was great. I got to talk to adults and make my contributions to the meal in (relative) peace.

The only bad part of the whole day was the fact that I had barely gotten 4 hours of intermittent sleep on the floor of the living room, because 4yo was up late with a cough and then once he settled, CG came out claiming she couldn't sleep. Then I had to be up again at 5am to make breakfast (that cinnamon roll focaccia recipe that went around r/breadit earlier this year) and let's just say the rest of the day I was trying to enjoy while in an exhausted fog.

It was, overall, a day to realize how lucky I am that my parents have this house where they can host Christmas (we... could in theory, but some family members have bad cat allergies, so), that my brother and his family are willing to come out here, that all our kids are close in age and get along, that we get along, and we can make this happen. My parents are getting older, and boy could I tell this year, and I don't know how many Christmases they've got left in them, especially the hosting kind, but at least we had this one. <3

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Happy Solstice

Mon, 22 Dec 2025 12:28:20 GMT

We had a lovely Solstice. Every year I try to make it a little special, because while Christmas is all about family (and presents), I want the kids to also be in tune with the changing seasons and why they happen. My pagan days are long past, but you don't need to be religious to appreciate the return of the sun.

I made sourdough pancakes (trying to wake up my starter for bread and bagels later in the week) and we had a late breakfast, then headed out for a hike. There's a place where the Santa Fe river goes underground for several miles, and then re-emerges again, and it's a pretty short hike out to the river rise and back. I'd never been there before and I thought it was short enough for the kids to handle. We brought our binoculars, some snacks, and water and set out.

I'd previously taken 9yo and 4yo on hikes, but separate, and they'd both lagged and complained after about a mile. This time, they egged each other on and did really well. I carried 4yo a few times, but only for a few minutes each, and he never complained about how far it was. I'm hoping this means we can do more hikes, because that's something I really miss from pre-kid days. Granted, it was also easier to hike in AZ and WA, where the terrain is a lot more rugged but rewarding. Florida hikes are very... samesie. There's only so much scrub and pine you can see before you've seen it all. ^^()

Which is why I wanted to go on this hike: sure, the river rise ended up being somewhat anti-climatic (it looks more like a lake than where a river dramatically exits the ground), but we got to talk about how it goes underground through the limestone and then rises back up like at the springs we visit in the summer. Also, we got to see horses, since apparently it's a popular equestrian trail.

Anyway, it was lovely, and I hope to do more of them. My plan is to get the kids comfortable with mile + hikes, because we're going to the Grand Tetons this summer and, well, I want them to get more out of it than just hanging out in the lodge.

I still have to work today and tomorrow, but my heart isn't going to be in it. We may go out to my parents' today so my wife can make jam (our canning pot isn't induction-friendly, unfortunately, so we'll use their stove). I'll bring my laptop and work, but it'll be nice to be around family instead of on my own, even if I still have a lot to do before Thursday and I'm starting to panic (marshmallows, sweet potatos, bread, wrapping the last few presents, cleaning bathrooms, picking up, holiday cards, etc etc etc).

The first day of winter seems to also kick of Introspection Week for me, so I'm thinking back about my goals and plans for 2025 and what went right, what didn't, etc. I'll put those thoughts together in a different post, because it's good to give them space and get them out, but also 4yo just woke up and I should get him to daycare before I start work.

Happy Solstice! May your days be brighter, warmer, and kinder <3

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Doing the Impossible

Sat, 06 Dec 2025 10:52:52 GMT

Dayjob has been nonstop and will likely remain so right up until Christmas break. I am all day every day performing data processing that you'd think would be perfect for AI, but apparently breaks its little brain. So I get to do the brain-numbing dull stuff while genAI gets to write books / create art and my boss keeps asking me why I can't just apply AI harder and that about sums up everything that makes me ragey re the current AI debate.

It's dull, tedious stuff, but I'm trying to keep it from infiltrating the rest of my life. I borrowed my mother's guitar around Thanksgiving, got it restringed (it'd been sitting in a closet for 5+ years), and have been learning the absolute basics in my downtime. Aside from ukulele, I've never played a stringed instrument before... honestly, aside from piano, I've never really been an instrument player in general. Choir was my thing, so I feel like I'm "learning" to read and play music all over again.

Also wow, they weren't kidding when they said your fingers would hurt learning guitar. I definitely got close to blisters forming one day, ouch.

A few years ago I decided to learn French because the language had always eluded me and now I can read most French and am starting to pick it up spoken. Last year I decided to master bread baking because that, too, had been something I always failed at before; now I can retrieve the starter from the fridge and have fresh-baked bread the next day that even the kids prefer to store-bought. Now I'm picking up guitar after long ago accepting I'd never understand it... but I'm starting to.

I should probably just make a list of all the things I thought I'd never be able to do and cross them off one by one. Some of them are more impossible than others (cartwheels, at this age and size?), but others are absolutely possible (pull ups, car maintenance). I love being almost 40 and not only still learning new skills, but disproving old assumptions about myself. I wish I had more time to tackle it all, but I'll have to just do one thing at a time for now.

Maybe I can work on getting the skill to a level like the sourdough starter -- something I can pull out when I need it, or just when I want it. Piano is almost there; I've certainly just plunked down and played a piece to chill several times this week. It's also nice to have things I can do, but I'm not necessarily good at, so I'll never have the urge to try to monetize it. I just want to be that family member who can pull out an instrument and play a song, you know?

That's a good goal.

And who knows, maybe I'll actually understand music theory eventually, too. Another seemingly impossible thing.

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Possessed

Mon, 27 Oct 2025 12:47:22 GMT

It's been a hot minute. I feel like I've been possessed. I picked up that story thread ~~four~~ six weeks ago and then just didn't stop. It's been a wild ride and I hit 73k ~~this~~ yesterday morning and a fairly firm "the end."

73k over 42 days... that's an average of 1,700 words a day or pretty much the pace you're expected to maintain during NaNoWriMo. I haven't been able to write that fast/consistently since college, easily. I remember trying to write TPA at NaNo pace, oh, nine Novembers ago (hahah omg what) and barely managing 500/day. And that was with only one kid and while on parental leave. TBF, CG was a lot as a newborn, but I probably had the same amount of plot in the beginning and a tight deadline.

I did squeeze out a workable draft of TPA in three months, which wasn't bad at all. And since then, I've been lucky if I can write a draft in six months.

It's been so much fun to write freely again. Very similar to my halcyon days of staying up way too late to write 1000s of words of fanfic. Chasing that high until I either had to go to sleep or go to school, but daydreaming about the story all day anyway. Of course, it does make me wonder if when I re-open that word doc in a couple of days/weeks, it'll be that level of bad. ^^()

I'd honestly thought I'd left that level of writing joy behind, so if anything it's just... nice to know I can still capture it as an adult. Not saying that I otherwise didn't have fun writing these past mumble twenty mumble years, but certainly not in the same all-consuming way.

Which... to be fair, was a bit much. I kept waking up earlier and earlier, not because I'd set an alarm or anything, but because my brain was a cat at the door, scratching and wailing "Write now??" And I might have skivved off work a early a few times / taken longer lunches because I couldn't stop. By midway, it felt very much like I just needed to get this story out so I could breathe again.

So even though I kept telling myself there was no deadline, I didn't need to hit a 2k/day pace, I couldn't slow down.

But now it's done, as drafty as it is. I already have ideas for revisions, and I'll probably go through it at least once before deciding what to do with it. It might only serve its purpose of having given me joy in writing again. Proof that I can Do The Thing. That would be 100% fine.

It might be good to have an urban fantasy in my back pocket, in case I don't get any agents with the fantasy masquerading as scifi but secretly horror WIP. Or maybe I'll use it to test the waters of self-pub.

I don't know. I don't plan on finding out any time soon. I do plan on submersing myself in books and breathing again, though.

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Thu, 18 Sep 2025 13:09:10 GMT

Fine, I guess taking a break works. I've written 10k on a stupid little WIP since Sunday after purposefully not writing for several weeks.

I'd been reading and lifting and going for walks and noodling on the piano and -- yes -- also wailing and gnashing my teeth that I was never going to write again. I had a really rough weekend the week before, only to realize midway through that maaaaybe this was depression/anxiety and not actually the universe telling me to quit.

I took an emergency claritin (anti-histamines help calm anxiety symptoms), told myself not to leave every writing/online group I was part of, and reassessed my inputs -- that is to say, food/sleep/internet. All of it was off, so I took a deep breath and reset. My brain calmed down over the following week (although I went a little too hard on the food part; you need to eat more, girl) and I allowed myself a steady morning rhythm of lifting and reading.

Then, Sunday morning, something in the book I was reading made my brain go click. Instead of ignoring the feeling, I put the book down and started writing, thinking I'd just play with the idea until it lost its shine. Except then I kept writing. And now I've hit 10k and my hindbrain is chewing on something book-shaped and I don't know where I'm going with this, but so far it's fun, and that's really all that matters. I feel a little less broken, a little more excited, and who knows -- maybe I'll do something with this.

Or just hide it with the rest of my WIPs.

Meanwhile, the kitten seems to be settling in nicely. We had a few hissing spates between the older cats, but she's been venturing out further and further. At least one of the other cats seems to fully accept her and the other one is starting to... grudgingly.

The funny part has been that kitten does, well, kitten things. Like chewing on things she shouldn't etc. CG was surprised by this and I had to explain to her that right now, kitten is basically a toddler. She has no impulse control and everything she sees is "mine!!" So CG has banned kitten from her room, at least unsupervised.

The kitten has had a good influence on our older cats, though. Maurice has been running around and playing way more than she used to and even Trixie has gotten less skittish. I think standing up to the kitten is focusing Trixie's anxiety, lol.

It's just interesting to watch and so much easier knowing what to expect from a kitten/cats. When we first got Kona and Darj, they were about this age and I'd never had a cat before. I was surprised by how rambunctious and destructive they were. Now I'm like "eh, could be worse." I love her kitten energy... for now.

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Sun, 07 Sep 2025 10:35:03 GMT

What I neglected to mention last post (because wow, I got overtaken by the Sad Cloud real bad), is that on Friday we adopted a 4 month old kitten.

So this all started because Lady got us a new cat tree, a much bigger cat tree, with many perches and hidey holes, and CG remarked that it could fit so many cats. And Lady joked that obviously we now needed more cats. And I, not so jokingly, went... "well... what if..."

Because I have really wanted a kitten ever since our old cats died, and while Maurice and Trixie are fine, and I'm glad we saved them from probably a lengthy shelter stay as older cats, they were already pre-set in their ways when we got them. And some of their behavior seems to stem from being in a small space with a toddler and unable to escape. They've slowly come out of their shells over the past four years and are much more willing to interact, but Maurice will still murder you if you look at her wrong and Trixie will hide if you try to pet her.

In the back of my head I kinda wished we'd gotten younger cats/kittens (even though we also had a baby and that would have been a bad idea) because at least we could help them learn trust. So when the whole family expressed an interest in another cat and wife and I looked at our home and space and whether it was even feasible and realized, yes, well...

I have to admit, I almost backed out, but by then CG and Lady were both on board. We tried to go to the shelter a few times over the last few weeks, finally made it on Friday, and fell in love with at least five kittens, hah. Although I'd told them both it would be best if we got an older kitten, already spayed, the 1-2 month olds really pulled us in. Thankfully, I stayed strong (even though one kitten went straight for my shoulder) and after much back and forth, we eventually settled on a black and white cat (tuxedo?) called Hectate. A sweet 4mo who let us pick her up and almost immediately started purring.

30min and some paperwork later, we had a kitten. Also, apparently, the adoption fees were waived that day, so we had a free kitten, with all of her shots and a major surgery already paid for.

We set up the back room for her and let her out. She let us hold her for a few moments, but then she ran off and hid. We checked in on her every few hours and she'd find a new spot to hide. Then I went in and just sat near her and she started purring. I dangled my hand so she could smell me and after about 5min, she slowly came out. I played with her and gave her all the pets and the kids even came in and got to pet her.

When we finally left, she followed us to the door and then stared at us through the glass, meowing. I felt like a jerk, but she needs time to get used to the space and the other cats need to get used to her smell. They stare at each other through the door but there hasn't been any hissing or other territorial signs... yet. Today I'll let them sniff each other through the door. The hope is tomorrow I can introduce them. Supervised, of course.

That's the nice thing about working from home; I'll be able to work on that all week.

We've cycled through about 20 names and we're currently testing out Nova. 4yo called her Milk (probably because she looks like a cow with her colors) and then CG called her Milky Way and we just went off on space-themed names after that. We'll see what sticks.

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39

Mon, 01 Sep 2025 09:24:59 GMT

I had a good birthday.

I'm really glad I last-minute booked this stay on the beach. While we didn't get the balcony I thought I'd booked, the rest of the resort is pretty good. The room itself isn't bad; it's sectioned into two rooms, with the beds in one and a living space in the other. The living space has two huge windows--neither of which face the ocean *facepalm*--but it's otherwise such a lovely space.

I'd originally thought we'd use the separate room at night for me and CG to read while 4yo fell asleep, but while he insisted Lady read him book after book until we came in, he conked out pretty hard both nights. An absolute relief after the last few hotel stays, where he'd spend an hour chattering and trying to get out of bed until I lost my mind and took him for a walk outside.

We got here midafternoon Saturday and had enough time for me and CG and 4yo to check out the beach, even play a little in the waves, then check out the splashpad, then check out the pool, while Lady rested. I was surprised at how ready 4yo was to walk into the water, then later straight up jump into the pool. I warned him, "you don't have floaties, you don't know how to swim" but he turned that back with "you taught me how to swim *leap!*" Thankfully I caught him every time.

We had dinner beside the pool and it wasn't *terribly* expensive, and then remembered the resort does s'mores in the evening and made it over just as they were setting up. Lady joined us, which was good timing because two kids around fire really requires two adults. And apparently neither child had ever actually roasted marshmallows for s'mores before. We'd done them in the microwave at home, but the real deal was new to them. CG was skeptical at first, not believing me that she needed to catch it on fire, but once she tasted one, she was hooked. She's mentioned it a few times since, so I think we're going to need to convince 2 Papas to have a few bonfires this winter.

Rain rolled in on Sunday, alas. I managed to write a little and then get to the beach for a sunrise jog, only to slice my foot open on a shell halfway. Oops. My fault; I kept glancing over at the sunrise. Thankfully it was a small cut, and I was able to hobble back. By the time I returned, everyone was up. I'd found a neat little place outside of the touristy area for breakfast that turned out to be really good, but slow. The kids managed to not lose their shit, though, which again: surprising and commendable. Are we almost ready to go back out into public?? We've avoided restaurants for so long because it's just exhausting playing the "when are you going to lose your shit" game.

Thankfully, one of the reasons I'd picked this place was because it was across the street from a playground and tiny beach, so as soon as both kids were done eating, I took them to play and get their wiggles out. Lady had to wait another 20min just for the check (slooooow), so phew.

Rain had been threatening the entire time and I was finally able to drag the kids away from the playground when it started thundering. We made it to the car just as it started to pour. It continued to pour for the next few hours, so we holed up in the hotel room and the kids got to watch live TV (that doesn't pause! or go back! the horror!) while Lady and I took turns napping. Which turned out to be good strategy, because once the rain let up, we were out.

Well, CG and I were out. We played at the beach for almost a solid two hours, jumping waves, then me teaching CG how to swim beneath waves, and then Lady and 4yo joined us for another hour in the pool. It was glorious and everyone had so much fun and we were all so tuckered out by the time we returned to the room. Ate the shit out of some pizza, had some cake, got ready for bed--

--and then CG asked to walk on the beach while the sun set and how could I say no? When did my child come to appreciate sunsets? I don't know, but she kept remarking on how beautiful it was, and then she said she wanted to come with me at sunrise when I went down to the beach. T_T

I definitely got everything I wanted out of this trip: quality time with the kids, lots of beach, lots of just being outside and enjoying the weather, tasty food. I almost wish we'd stayed another day, but probably better to leave while we don't want to, hah.

If 39 is getting to stay active and have this kind of fun with both kids, I'll take it.

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Tue, 29 Jul 2025 10:50:27 GMT

My birth month* is just around the corner and this time I'm turning 39. I swear I've been 40 in my head for a few years already, so it's no big deal. I do want to use the energy of this last year in my 30s to make some changes, though. Or at least shore up what I've already been working on and ensure I enter 40 with a strong foundation.

Honestly, closing in on 40 feels right, like I was already mentally this age and now my body has caught up. I've always been the youngest in my social circles, yet somehow also the most mature. So now I'm aging gracefully into being the elder in my circles (been there for a while at work) and I almost feel like I need to balance that with a bit of silliness. Not quite immaturity, but less taking things so seriously. I think I've been bringing that vibe to dayjob a lot recently -- we've had a lot of terrible-for-morale events and stress and I've quietly and calmly reminded several coworkers that our jobs aren't worth our mental health/general health. Nothing we do there is life or death, even if leadership acts that way.

I definitely let myself get caught up in it as well these past few months. It's hard not to when the economy is so shit, when HR is watching us like a hawk, waiting to pick off our weakest members, when this really is a unicorn gig and despite actively looking, I haven't found anything half as good. But stressing about it isn't going to make me more productive, just more miserable.

(CW: diet talk)

Not that changing my outlook has been as easy as flipping a switch; I'm convinced my diet change has made the biggest impact. I forgot how much my anxiety lessened the last time I made this big of a change, and of course my anxiety has been creeping up on me like the biggest but most persistent slug this past year. It's so easy to forget food's impact when there's so much swirling confusion and contradiction around food out there, but I need to remember that for me, specifically, it matters.

Honestly, I've even had some of my old energy back. Like, nearing how I felt in my 20s levels, which was when I felt pretty unstoppable. It's been so... refreshing, reinvigorating, revitalizing, but most of all - a fucking relief. I had pretty much given up and assumed that This Was Just How It Was.

Now that I've been doing paleo for two cycles and all those PMDD symptoms have vanished, I've got to look at how this will work going forward. I don't want to be That Guy and not allow myself to eat anything, but I also don't want to slip into old habits. I also don't want to give my kids life-long complexes. I've never had the healthiest relationship with food and likely never will and I don't want to pass that on to them.

That's part of my foundation laying, then. Figuring out how to do this longterm in a safe, healthful, conscientious and not disordered way. Because if anything I've learned over the last year, I need to take better care of myself. And if anything I've learned from older friends' experiences going forward, the time you spend now taking care of yourself will not only make you feel better now, but pay dividends down the road. My grandmum had a best friend who was spry and energetic well up into her 90s and she's always been who I picture myself becoming in my old age. Happy, kind, capable. Optimistic, too, which is something I've really got to work on.

I also want to be and remain strong. Apparently strength doesn't start to wane for women until your 50s, and I've always dreamed of doing strong woman competitions. I just PR'ed my bench this morning and almost all of my lifts are stronger than they were in my 20s. I don't know if I'll ever get near the level of competing, but... I want to try.

So yeah. IDK. It almost seems like 40s are the new 20s, at least when it comes to my health and goals. I've got some other ideas percolating for the year ahead, but it's time to get the kids up.

*Yes I'm the sort who celebrates their birth month. No, I'm not going to stop or "grow out of it."

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Better

Fri, 25 Jul 2025 11:18:57 GMT

Something has shifted in the last month. I don't know exactly what precipitated it, but things are... better. I'm more hopeful. Optimistic. Less beaten down and stressed out. A lot less "I don't know how much longer I can keep this up" and a more firm "I can do this."

It could be the diet change. My energy levels in general have been so much better and more stable. I haven't had a fatigue spell since I changed my diet in May. My anxiety has calmed down. I feel stronger and more in control.

It could be the failed therapy attempt. I actually just went through and canceled all the future appointments because I couldn't see myself going back. Not a good fit but also like, she was right: I need to continue building my support network and learn to lean on them. I've had a lot of good Thinks about how to do that in the past week. As well as Thinks about how to shift my perspective on all this, to embrace the good when it happens instead of constantly bracing for the bad.

I'm still low-level worried about my job, I'm still mostly solo-parenting, I'm still struggling to stay on top of basic chores, I'm still bad at actually feeding myself... but the mental shift is making it all a bit easier to handle. I've got my feelers out for other positions, I've got a pretty good routine on the solo-ing, chores are getting done and we don't exactly live in filth, and I signed up for some premade meal delivery because fuck it, I deserve a break.

Nothing has changed. Everything has changed. Brains are so weird. I'm also excited and hopeful for finishing the edits on catastrophe!WIP -- I still think it's got legs when it comes to marketability, I just need to find the right agent. And then though the idea of going through that process fills me with the unsettling buzzing of a giant hornet nest, I feel like I can handle it. Versus early July, when all I wanted to do was succumb to my own worry and give up entirely.

Anyway, on this high I went ahead and scheduled a week of PTO for the first week of August. I'm going to finish these edits if I haven't by then, revise my query letter, write a synopsis, and send out my first batch that week. It's a lot but I'm honestly probably going to be done with edits next week, my query letter is already pretty solid, and I just need to write the synopsis.

I also want to give CG one last summer hurrah before school starts -- either a day at the beach or the springs, it'll be her choice. Because summer! Almost over! How! After school starts, it becomes a lot more difficult to just bugger off to a body of water, so: now, I guess.

Anyway. Yeah. Brains? Brains.

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Tue, 03 Jun 2025 10:07:14 GMT

Three good things:
- Last day of 2nd grade!!
- Getting a new camera battery so I can take high-res DSLR photos again... mostly of the cats
- The soreness in my arms from all the push-ups we did yesterday

(cw: diet talk)
I have been trying to fix my diet for yeeeaars, but absolutely lacked the willpower. Some of it was not wanting to do anything drastic around the kids, some of it was knowing I'd be eating their leftovers, but most of it was "why bother." I knew I'd need some strong motivation to finally Do Something. And I guess the severe PMDD symptoms were finally the motivation, because something deep in my brain went Click and now it's not a struggle. I'm just doing it.

And even though yesterday was a Rage Day (the first three days are usually the hardest) and all I wanted was a large chunk of cheese, it was easy to keep with it.

I keep finding myself saying "I hope this works" so it'll be worth it, but if it doesn't, I get to eat cheese with abandon, so literally no downside. Except the 2-4 days of being useless I'll still need to fix.
(end diet talk)

I planned this little beach trip almost a month ago and of course as soon as we get close, it turns out we're getting a massive load of thunderstorms exactly the days we'll be at the beach. *rubs forehead* After waiting to see if this was another "oh it's gonna totally rain!! ...psyche" I pushed our reservations out by a day. I talked to both Lady and CG about whether they'd rather spend a whole day inside at home or in a small hotel room and even just voicing the question aloud made the answer obvious. So we'll hopefully get there at the tail end of the storms, instead of right at the beginning, and actually get to beach. IDK. Fingers crossed.

And it gives me a little more time to work on work projects, which... well, that's a whole nother post. Maybe later.

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June

Sun, 01 Jun 2025 09:59:50 GMT

Three good things:
- CG is pretty good at biking now and seems motivated to get better; biking on her own to school by end of summer??
- Beach soon! Beach very soon!!
- It's 63F and I have the windows open - in June

June's looking pretty stocked. Dayjob is gonna be rough, what with three projects due by July (yikes). Wife will be gone for a week to a conference. My bro and his family will be in town that same week. We're going to the beach the minute CG is out of school for a few days. At some point in there I want to hit up the springs like they're going out of style, rent some kayaks and explore the rivers, fucking enjoy summer, damnit.

And on top of all that, start another WIP? And maybe, just maybe, query catastrophe!WIP? Even though I keep convincing myself that maybe it's not a good one to land an agent with and maybe I'm better off self-pubbing that one... man, my brain really hates me some time. I need to at least wait until I have beta feedback before I decide.

And on top of that, abruptly changing my diet to Fix What's Wrong With Me, Maybe.

Phew. Is that why I'm already tired?

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Thu, 15 May 2025 09:35:52 GMT

Three things I'm grateful for: a relatively uncluttered and clean house; the bouncy curls in 4yo's hair; Cabin Girl's increasingly fierce wit

Before I finished my WIP, I told myself to watch out for the Completion Sads (TM). I don't know if it's purely the letdown from the emotional rush of completing something, but Every. Single. Time. I come down with them. This time, they took about two weeks to find me and by then I had foolishly thought I was through the danger zone. But nope: I've been feeling down about my WIP, my writing, my pub-life in general all week.

Part of it is I also don't quite know what to do with myself during these periods. The WIP is with a few friends for beta-ing and so I'm in a sort of limbo. If I pursue pub with this, inevitably they will ask for a sequel at the very least, so I've been trying to sort one out. But at the same time, that feels very Cart Before Horse - I should be spreading my words more widely, working on something entirely new if this project doesn't pan out. But what would that be? Do I go back to the two trunked novels and try to fix them or do I start something entirely new -- but by the time I get my brain into a different story, hopefully my betas will have come back to me with some wisdom, so then I'll have to pivot again, so really I should just stay with this story, but then what if it's really trash and I'm just wasting my time --

So yeah. That's the mental loop I'm in. You would think I would realize that the best thing to do is take a big breath and a break, but it's hard to let go of the habits I've honed over the last year: getting up early just to write, running so I can think about plot, untangling plot threads while I fall asleep. That's a lot of mental space suddenly freed up, and my anxiety, like a weed, is the first to set its roots.

Dayjob isn't helping either, as we're currently in a Do More With Less spiral. We lost 8 folks from our department last fall and just last week we lost another 3, and literally in the same meeting in which we found out, we were told we'd be expected to complete more projects. Also that HR doesn't think we're efficient enough. Morale was already in the trenches, I'm sure kicking us a bit will help us feel better, right? Might as well go ahead and tell us we're to blame now when we inevitably can't hit all these project deadlines.

I'm trying to let it wash over me and focus on the future. Summer's just around the corner and Cabin Girl is writing essays for class about What She'll Do This Summer, so we had to actually decide. It's going to be pretty chill (lol), but we'll hit the beach a few times and Orlando at least once (to see friends, to go to the science museum, and maybe a theme park if the ticket prices aren't insane). Last year we did a Week and then pretty much nothing else; this year I want to spread it out at least a little. Also Lady's ability to do A Lot is pretty much nonexistent, so smaller doses with plenty of time to rest is ideal.

Okay, back to chasing my tail re this WIP.

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Tue, 18 Mar 2025 20:27:00 GMT

I'm so glad I took this week off. It's always a roll of the die whether or not I'm going to get sick that week or something else will come up. I mean, I guess something else did come up, which is helping my parent-friend get a car, but that isn't taking up as much time as I feared it would.

I know in my bones by now that I need more than an hour here and 30min there to really get into the meat of a book and its plot but wow, actually getting to do it is always a surprise. It's like getting a chance to speak a language you used to be fluent in but haven't been able to flex in over a decade (highly specific, I know). You're like, can I still do this? And then, after a little fumbling, you absolutely can.

...or like riding a bike, I guess. That's probably a more universal analogy, hah.

Anyway, this is reminding me why having that one day a week to really gnaw at plot problems helped me get so far in writing TPA and TUC, even though I still had a dayjob and a baby. It really just comes down to the luxury of time. A four-day workweek would do wonders for my writing, if I could ever swing that again.

So yeah. I wrote towards The End all weekend (well, you know, mornings before the kids woke) and on Monday spent a good chunk of the afternoon just gnawing on plot. Today I wrote until I had to wake the kids up and then spent a few hours in the backyard doing all the stuff that has been sorely needed for months (our poor butterfly garden is so neglected) and then another hour writing and finally hit "The End."

Of course, as any writer knows, it's never actually the end. But this is the first time in about three drafts that I've actually reached "The End" and now I can confidently start the edits I've outlined.

I've got three days left in this week. Let's see how far I can get. Would be absolutely amazing to have a query-able WIP by mid-April.

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End of January

Fri, 31 Jan 2025 22:17:00 GMT

I don't know what it is that things seem to go well for me personally when the world goes to shit. Sorry, guys. It's not my fault, but boy-o do I feel a bit guilty being happy. 2016 was when this fool was last elected and that's also when I sold my first book and had a kiddo. TBF, 2025 doesn't appear to have those kinds of surprises in store, but it's weird to see so much "ohmygod when is January over" when I'm sitting here like, I liked this month, actually?

You know, ignoring *gestures* all that.

Anyway, I've been feeling strong and capable all month. Knocking to-do list items out left and right, keeping the house clean, baking edible bread, and turning in cool projects for dayjob, all while going to Crossfit regularly, spending time with the kids when they're home, practising piano, chipping away at this WIP, and starting a garden.

I fear saying any of it out loud (or committing it to text) because surely things are going to fall off a cliff soon. That malaise will return or I'll get sick or Toddler will stop sleeping or Dr Lady will have another downturn... nevermind the stuff that could happen on the national level...

But you know what. That'll be then. For now, I'm happy with how January went. I read three books -- two physical, one very very long audio -- I wrote/edited/revised my WIP and it's now a healthy 89k, I kept my cardio up and got stronger, I can now sight-play simple piano music (well, assuming it's in C Major or G), and I only missed two or so days of journaling a daily joy. A little nibbles that feel like quite a bit now that we're at the end of the month.

On top of that, I learned to bake bread that was actually edible, I made several dozen bagels, and I'm overall feeling more confident in my ability to learn. This old dog can, in fact, learn new tricks.

I'd like to continue this momentum into February, although maybe shifting focus from baking to running. That was really the only thing I didn't maintain -- I made it two weeks into January and then went back to my weekly runs. If I'm ever going to get better at running, I need to find a way to trick myself into doing it more during the week. I'm not sure how to do that outside of having a set scheduled time, which I can't seem to do when things have been in so much flux -- what with the plumbing emergency earlier this month and needing to be on call for our parent friend quite a bit (that's its whole own post).

I don't know. I'll keep trying. There's only so much cool weather time left; it's hitting the 80s already next week, barely a week after it hit that record low of 28F.

Other than that, I will keep up my daily piano practice, writing, and daily joy journaling. Those seem to be good habits so far. :)

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This Post is About Bread

Tue, 28 Jan 2025 10:35:21 GMT

I started baking again this month after many years and previously only failures. Bagels were a gateway bread, it turns out; my brother had made them a handful of Christmases past. I knew if he could make them, then surely I could. See, this is what sibling rivalry is for.

So I made bagels at the beginning of January and they were not only super easy but they turned out delicious. Then I made a second batch that were even better and I thought to myself, maybe, maaaybe... I could try bread? You have to remember, every single previous attempt at a basic round bread had turned out inedible, so I'd long ago taken it as a fact that I simply can't make bread.

But bagels are bread! So I already had. What was the harm?

Besides, I needed a distraction from the oncoming train that's the new administration. Something that would keep me off of the news sites and bog me down in details. Turns out baking is great for that. I found r/breadit, the King Arthur Flour recipes, the spread of pages devoted to the science of gluten formation in the Science of Cooking, and down the rabbit hole I went. Instead of reading NYT, I was reading about autolyse. Instead of hearing about the obscene amount of executive orders -- most of which will get tied up in lawsuits and court anyway -- I heard about poolish and resting times.

Now I've made two basic round loaves and two sets of baguettes and all of them have been edible -- not only that, the last baguettes earned me a solid thumb's up from Cabin Girl, whose favorite bread is baguettes. I feel like I've made a breakthrough; and yes, part of that breakthrough is autolyse, aka just fucking putting water and flour together, barely mixing it, and letting it rest for 20min before you knead. Seriously, how did I not know about this before? It's like the dough magically kneads itself and the "oh fuck is this kneaded enough? is this over kneaded?" question can finally be put to rest.

Aside from being a sink for my endlessly roving mind, there's something just soothing about the act of making bread. It's simple, yet you have to pay attention, and there's all these little factors that can come into play, making every loaf a little different. Now that those loaves aren't just being tossed in the trash, I feel like I have room to play.

So... huh. 38 years old and I'm learning new tricks. Taking something I'd almost absorbed as a Fact About Myself -- "I can't bake" -- and turning it around. I did the same with macarons back in August and now I'm tempted to try it with gardening in the coming months. I'm playing piano, relearning how to sight-read music, even writing something fun that will never see the light of day.

Maybe 38 is my year of turning "can't" into "can."

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