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Aug. 8th, 2024 06:22 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
spryngI think I've got one foot in depression. It's not all the way yet, but I can feel it creeping up on me. Some of it is the grief I haven't really allowed myself to feel for Grandmum's passing. Some of it is grief for another family member, who was diagnosed with something awful out of the blue six months ago and is now in hospice. Waiting every day on news that... yeah. Some of it is burnout from work. Some of it is my closeknit author group spontaneously combusting a few months ago, leaving me feeling alone and forgotten...
All that together is more than enough to feel sad, I guess. I was going to try to combat it this morning with a run, but then I opened the front door and was walloped by a wall of heat and humidity. Ugh, I can't. The problem with having lived up North is I learned to enjoy being a little chilly while I run, so now starting out hot is an absolute no go.
I gotta do something to move my body today, though. I really wanted to go for a swim yesterday, but meetings were weirdly spaced. I could do it today...
I got real wound up at work this week, and then called out on it. Another coworker who is chronically Not Telling Us Shit is out and I was taking heat for some of their projects. I got cranky because I don't know what's going on with their stuff and another coworker kindly pulled me aside to say they're out because their kid has been in the hospital (kid's okay now, but).
And I just kinda. Stopped. I realized I'd been working myself up about all these projects and folks wanting things with absurd turnarounds and on top of that getting called out in front of the whole team for things that aren't even in my control... and I realized, why do I care? As I tell everyone else, our job isn't a matter of life or death. What we do doesn't really matter on a grand scale. Sure, we're important to the credit union, but... so what?
I'm usually pretty good about distancing and perspective with dayjob, but I really let it get to me the last few months. It worms in when you're not looking, that sense that Dayjob is All Important. And maybe I let it because I wanted it to be. I don't have anything Important (I mean yes, kids are Important, but Society doesn't really seem to care about that) and I tried to make it so. Lady gets to run off at all times to her lab, the kids are growing and needing support and food and love, and I... make trainings. Whoop-de-doo.
To be clear, I often have fun at my job and enjoy what I do. But it's not going to change anything. It's not important. It's a paycheck that gives me flexibility to house-spouse, support my wife, support my kids, etc that not many jobs do. I just need to take a step back and get it out of my head.
So I'm taking a day off next week to swim the Ichetucknee and I'll take a few hours today to swim at the city pool and yeah, I'll take off early so I can make dinner today, too. And I'll care a little less about projects and timelines because who knows how much time we actually have on this little blue orb. This year has certainly been a reminder that it's often far less than we thought.
All that together is more than enough to feel sad, I guess. I was going to try to combat it this morning with a run, but then I opened the front door and was walloped by a wall of heat and humidity. Ugh, I can't. The problem with having lived up North is I learned to enjoy being a little chilly while I run, so now starting out hot is an absolute no go.
I gotta do something to move my body today, though. I really wanted to go for a swim yesterday, but meetings were weirdly spaced. I could do it today...
I got real wound up at work this week, and then called out on it. Another coworker who is chronically Not Telling Us Shit is out and I was taking heat for some of their projects. I got cranky because I don't know what's going on with their stuff and another coworker kindly pulled me aside to say they're out because their kid has been in the hospital (kid's okay now, but).
And I just kinda. Stopped. I realized I'd been working myself up about all these projects and folks wanting things with absurd turnarounds and on top of that getting called out in front of the whole team for things that aren't even in my control... and I realized, why do I care? As I tell everyone else, our job isn't a matter of life or death. What we do doesn't really matter on a grand scale. Sure, we're important to the credit union, but... so what?
I'm usually pretty good about distancing and perspective with dayjob, but I really let it get to me the last few months. It worms in when you're not looking, that sense that Dayjob is All Important. And maybe I let it because I wanted it to be. I don't have anything Important (I mean yes, kids are Important, but Society doesn't really seem to care about that) and I tried to make it so. Lady gets to run off at all times to her lab, the kids are growing and needing support and food and love, and I... make trainings. Whoop-de-doo.
To be clear, I often have fun at my job and enjoy what I do. But it's not going to change anything. It's not important. It's a paycheck that gives me flexibility to house-spouse, support my wife, support my kids, etc that not many jobs do. I just need to take a step back and get it out of my head.
So I'm taking a day off next week to swim the Ichetucknee and I'll take a few hours today to swim at the city pool and yeah, I'll take off early so I can make dinner today, too. And I'll care a little less about projects and timelines because who knows how much time we actually have on this little blue orb. This year has certainly been a reminder that it's often far less than we thought.
