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bodies bodies bodies
Nov. 9th, 2023 04:22 pmFair warning: this is going to be a post about physical health stuff, including weight
And not in any negative way.
I pr'ed two lifts in the last week--120# clean and 135# front squat. Understandably, those numbers don't mean much on their own, but they mean a lot to me because they are lifetime PRs. That is to say, I am front squatting more now, as a 37-year-old with two kids and 0 time and an almost 10 year hiatus from regular lifting, than I front squatted when I was regularly doing crossfit.
I'm not really sure what to make of that. Neat, obviously. That I'm still pretty strong, that apparently the foundation I laid in my 20s is serving me well in my (late) 30s. That maybe keeping up with the kids is the crazy strength/conditioning program it always feels like. Or maybe, like the coach said, it really is All That Biking.
Whatever it is, I'll take it. I'm not moving out of the obese BMI territory anytime soon, so I might as well be strong af. I know BMI is BS and other health markers are where it's at (my blood pressure makes nurses weep), but as a Big Girl (TM) it's just easier mentally if I can also be Big & Strong. Ever since I first discovered crossfit, it's been important to me to be strong, but definitely ever since gaining all that weight during the pandemic/lexapro era, it's become necessary. Like I have to make up for taking up more space. Like I need to have an excuse for why I can't--won't--lose weight.
Which, having listened to the Maintenance Phase podcast and read some books and studies on the subject, I know how futile it would be to keep trying. Beyond that, the last time I tried to lose weight I triggered some latent ED* habits hard and that's when I had to just put my foot down.
And beyond even that, I refuse to model dieting behaviors to my kiddo, who is even now -- at 7 years old!! -- getting the message that fat is a bad word. I've been straight up telling her I'm fat for years, in a "I am tall and I have green eyes and I am fat" kind of way, but recently she's been stopping me and telling me not to even say the word fat. Which. Oof.
I've gathered from some of her comments that kids at school and daycare are already using fat as an insult. :/ Apparently one of her friends is starting to worry about being fat. And she's eight! Eight!!
I just... argh. I'm doing what I can to overcome those messages and hopefully being fully loved and supported at home will go a longer way. It was the comments from my family and my mom's dieting that really fueled my ED and warped my self-image, so if I can not do that, at least, I'll already be several steps ahead.
Which is why it's important for me to recognize I'm fat, yes, but that I'm happy here. That I'm strong, yes, but that's not necessary to be valid and loved. That there are no "bad" foods, except maybe the ones that you need an epi-pen for. That weight is a number and it's better to wear clothes that fit than try to squeeze into ones that don't and quality of life is where it's at.
And not in any negative way.
I pr'ed two lifts in the last week--120# clean and 135# front squat. Understandably, those numbers don't mean much on their own, but they mean a lot to me because they are lifetime PRs. That is to say, I am front squatting more now, as a 37-year-old with two kids and 0 time and an almost 10 year hiatus from regular lifting, than I front squatted when I was regularly doing crossfit.
I'm not really sure what to make of that. Neat, obviously. That I'm still pretty strong, that apparently the foundation I laid in my 20s is serving me well in my (late) 30s. That maybe keeping up with the kids is the crazy strength/conditioning program it always feels like. Or maybe, like the coach said, it really is All That Biking.
Whatever it is, I'll take it. I'm not moving out of the obese BMI territory anytime soon, so I might as well be strong af. I know BMI is BS and other health markers are where it's at (my blood pressure makes nurses weep), but as a Big Girl (TM) it's just easier mentally if I can also be Big & Strong. Ever since I first discovered crossfit, it's been important to me to be strong, but definitely ever since gaining all that weight during the pandemic/lexapro era, it's become necessary. Like I have to make up for taking up more space. Like I need to have an excuse for why I can't--won't--lose weight.
Which, having listened to the Maintenance Phase podcast and read some books and studies on the subject, I know how futile it would be to keep trying. Beyond that, the last time I tried to lose weight I triggered some latent ED* habits hard and that's when I had to just put my foot down.
And beyond even that, I refuse to model dieting behaviors to my kiddo, who is even now -- at 7 years old!! -- getting the message that fat is a bad word. I've been straight up telling her I'm fat for years, in a "I am tall and I have green eyes and I am fat" kind of way, but recently she's been stopping me and telling me not to even say the word fat. Which. Oof.
I've gathered from some of her comments that kids at school and daycare are already using fat as an insult. :/ Apparently one of her friends is starting to worry about being fat. And she's eight! Eight!!
I just... argh. I'm doing what I can to overcome those messages and hopefully being fully loved and supported at home will go a longer way. It was the comments from my family and my mom's dieting that really fueled my ED and warped my self-image, so if I can not do that, at least, I'll already be several steps ahead.
Which is why it's important for me to recognize I'm fat, yes, but that I'm happy here. That I'm strong, yes, but that's not necessary to be valid and loved. That there are no "bad" foods, except maybe the ones that you need an epi-pen for. That weight is a number and it's better to wear clothes that fit than try to squeeze into ones that don't and quality of life is where it's at.
*Side note, I should probably unpack the semi-recent realization that what was going on in high school and beyond was an ED and how much naming it has helped in accepting my body and even - gasp! - loving it, but that's a deep, dark hole that I don't have the gear for. Yet.
