Mama Kai Time
Nov. 11th, 2023 06:33 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
spryngYesterday was Veteran's Day-observed for a lot of places, including school, so CG had the day off. I love a good day off of school because it means I don't have to run the gauntlet and I can let her sleep in, instead. So of course she came out right at 6.20am, ready to go for the day. ^^()
I had to work, but I gave her the same option to same home as last time: if she could let me work and stay off screens, she could stay home and I'd skiv off work early to hang with her. She struggled a little at first, which was compounded by Dr Lady being sick, so the additional parental support I'd banked on was missing. I caved and let her watch a show while I navigated a work meeting, because it was either that or have her stand over my shoulder, poking me, the entire time.
After the meeting, I had a little more wherewithal to negotiate, and promised if she could hang tight for another 90 minutes and let me finish up, there'd be mama Kai time. She decided to put 45min twice on her little timer and then disappeared into her room, and actually let me... work for a bit. I turned in my project, answered the panicked emails of all the folks last-minute finishing their required training (love the unyieldingly predictable folks who are like, why aren't there any more sessions available of the in-person training that finished up last week??), and then closed up shop.
And... we hung out. We sat in the backyard with the chickens for a bit and then ran to the stores to find some more long sleeve dresses for next week*. She helped me pick out a new flannel shirt/jacket to replace the beloved flannel I somehow lost two years ago. We came home and worked on an art project together, these stringlight shapes that you make by dipping string in glue and wrapping it around shaped balloons that she'd gotten for her birthday. After letting me do one mostly on my own, she insisted on doing the second on her own and I had to keep biting back the urge to help, to make it look better. But she did it all herself and it looks great.
And all throughout the Hanging Out, she kept saying how happy she was to just be with me, and it made my little heart swell. This is what I've wanted, what I daydreamed about when we first had kids, what I hoped we'd get to when she was still a formless newborn potato, and what I've realized I really need to choose and be present for. It's only a matter of time (years) before she won't want to spend a day with her mom and I want to be there while she still does.
I could have sent her to daycare regardless today. Chosen a day of work and writing instead. Six months ago, I probably would have. But I realized this summer that I can't have both right now, and that's okay. I tried really hard to have work and writing and parenting, all now and with no compromises, but August really broke me, and the subsequent months of being sick and exhausted just broke me further.
So I chose parenting. And while it doesn't really feel like a material difference in time week to week -- the kids are going to be here and awake when they are, and I can't think or write during those times -- it's not resenting those moments I'd assumed would be for writing slipping away from me, it's days like this where I spend more time with my kids, it's not getting jealous at all the time I give Dr Lady for her job, it's accepting that these things come in seasons, and now is the season of getting to spend time with my kids.
I'm still jealous and still grieving the career I wish I'd had by now, but I'm also trying to practice acceptance and gratitude, and I have so very much to be grateful for.
And besides, *next week I'm going to a little writing retreat with some close writer friends and I'll have the chance to find out if I can flip a switch and get my juice back. Four days in a house with six legit authors (oh shit I didn't even think about the fact I'm the only one without any active publishing deals, oh shit too late to think about that now) and not only no kiddos around (mixed feelings there) but Knowing Dr Lady Will Have Help With Them So I Don't Have to Worry Constantly,,, well. Not to put too much pressure on a one-off situation, but I think it will help clarify how temporary my situation is, ie how much is truly because I Can't Right Now or how much is I'm Just Done, Really.
Hahah, no pressure...
Anyway, looking forward to spending some more time with both kids this weekend. We've got swimming in our forecast and time outside and maybe even some more bike practice. :)
I had to work, but I gave her the same option to same home as last time: if she could let me work and stay off screens, she could stay home and I'd skiv off work early to hang with her. She struggled a little at first, which was compounded by Dr Lady being sick, so the additional parental support I'd banked on was missing. I caved and let her watch a show while I navigated a work meeting, because it was either that or have her stand over my shoulder, poking me, the entire time.
After the meeting, I had a little more wherewithal to negotiate, and promised if she could hang tight for another 90 minutes and let me finish up, there'd be mama Kai time. She decided to put 45min twice on her little timer and then disappeared into her room, and actually let me... work for a bit. I turned in my project, answered the panicked emails of all the folks last-minute finishing their required training (love the unyieldingly predictable folks who are like, why aren't there any more sessions available of the in-person training that finished up last week??), and then closed up shop.
And... we hung out. We sat in the backyard with the chickens for a bit and then ran to the stores to find some more long sleeve dresses for next week*. She helped me pick out a new flannel shirt/jacket to replace the beloved flannel I somehow lost two years ago. We came home and worked on an art project together, these stringlight shapes that you make by dipping string in glue and wrapping it around shaped balloons that she'd gotten for her birthday. After letting me do one mostly on my own, she insisted on doing the second on her own and I had to keep biting back the urge to help, to make it look better. But she did it all herself and it looks great.
And all throughout the Hanging Out, she kept saying how happy she was to just be with me, and it made my little heart swell. This is what I've wanted, what I daydreamed about when we first had kids, what I hoped we'd get to when she was still a formless newborn potato, and what I've realized I really need to choose and be present for. It's only a matter of time (years) before she won't want to spend a day with her mom and I want to be there while she still does.
I could have sent her to daycare regardless today. Chosen a day of work and writing instead. Six months ago, I probably would have. But I realized this summer that I can't have both right now, and that's okay. I tried really hard to have work and writing and parenting, all now and with no compromises, but August really broke me, and the subsequent months of being sick and exhausted just broke me further.
So I chose parenting. And while it doesn't really feel like a material difference in time week to week -- the kids are going to be here and awake when they are, and I can't think or write during those times -- it's not resenting those moments I'd assumed would be for writing slipping away from me, it's days like this where I spend more time with my kids, it's not getting jealous at all the time I give Dr Lady for her job, it's accepting that these things come in seasons, and now is the season of getting to spend time with my kids.
I'm still jealous and still grieving the career I wish I'd had by now, but I'm also trying to practice acceptance and gratitude, and I have so very much to be grateful for.
And besides, *next week I'm going to a little writing retreat with some close writer friends and I'll have the chance to find out if I can flip a switch and get my juice back. Four days in a house with six legit authors (oh shit I didn't even think about the fact I'm the only one without any active publishing deals, oh shit too late to think about that now) and not only no kiddos around (mixed feelings there) but Knowing Dr Lady Will Have Help With Them So I Don't Have to Worry Constantly,,, well. Not to put too much pressure on a one-off situation, but I think it will help clarify how temporary my situation is, ie how much is truly because I Can't Right Now or how much is I'm Just Done, Really.
Hahah, no pressure...
Anyway, looking forward to spending some more time with both kids this weekend. We've got swimming in our forecast and time outside and maybe even some more bike practice. :)
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Date: 2023-11-11 01:19 pm (UTC)