Thoughts on a Rainy Afternoon

[spryng]

- I've been (f)unemployed for five weeks now.

- We should know about France in three more weeks.

- Maybe then we can finally plan something and stop hanging out in this weird inbetween.

- If we are leaving later than November, I am picking up a part-time job pronto.

- If we're leaving in November... well, then I'd better start packing.

- I got to officially announce my agented status last week and that felt good... for about a day.

- Because depression doesn't give a fuck if you have an agent. Actually, it's even more fun because you feel extra guilty for being sad.

- My birthday is less than a week away but it's been really hard to think about it because, well, it's been hard to think about anything. I want to celebrate, but I also want to go hide and hope nobody notices and nobody expects me to smile.

- Two of my friends are going through some pretty tough shit and I feel so useless. And then guilty.

- I'm not doing very well at learning French.

- Honestly, I'm just not doing very well.

- fuck TTC.

- We (might) have one last cycle to try and I'm trying to accept the fact that this isn't going to happen for us and it's really, really hard. A lot harder than I ever expected. It's like - like you're trying to get into college and you've taken your tests and applied to some schools and it's spring and all your friends are getting their acceptance letters and you're just getting jack shit. And it's like - your friends are supportive and maybe one or two of them didn't get in, too, so you hold up your chin and try to apply in the fall. But you still don't get accepted. So you retake your SAT and your ACT and you apply to more schools. Meanwhile, your friends just finished their first year of college and they're talking about how much they hate it, how they have to stay up late to finish their homework, how they have to write a 15pg paper, how they have to work a second job to afford books - but all they while they're going to parties and getting an education. They tell you to value your freedom.

Your friends who didn't get the first round get in the second and third. You're left still applying, mailing out expensive application fees, studying and retaking the tests again. Your tutor says everything looks perfect, you've got a great shot - except you still don't get in.

Your friends who chose to eschew college wonder why you're so worked up about it. Just choose the college-free life, man! Less loans, more freedom, the chance to travel the world or start your career right off the back and be making more money sooner.

Your friends who are in college tell you to relax, keep trying. The day of their SAT retake they ate a tomato and got a really high score - maybe you should try that! Or hey, their sister went to this really great tutor if you want their number. Have you thought about community college? Did they mention how much college sucks? Also that tomatoes will give you brain fog and you should never, ever eat them before a test?

Eventually, your college friends are graduating. Your college-free friends have awesome careers. And you wonder what you've done for the past four years, aside from getting really good at taking the SAT and filling out applications.

- I am not a fun person to be around right now.

Comments

[audesapere.livejournal.com]

Sorry about the TTC. in a weird way, i relate, because i definitely wanted a family. but nobody ever wanted me, so like you, i've watched everyone else move on in life, while I struggle even to get dates and nobody i've asked out or been interested in has ever *not* rejected me. Everything else in my life is pretty awesome - I work as a writer! I make a completely impressive amount of money for some reason! I travel a lot! I have great cats and friends! I live in the best city!- but the fact that I'm now almost 33, which basically means I'm too old, and I never even got to have a choice about any of it, just absolutely rips me apart on a daily fucking basis. and all my childfree friends think i'm an idiot just for wanting to have children, and all my friends who have kids, well, have kids and think i'm a pitiful spinster (since I am), so there's nobody I can talk to about it. Ever.

Life sucks.

[spryng.livejournal.com]

Life really does suck. And wow - I didn't know you were going through that. I try not to assume someone doesn't want kids, but after years of being around childfree peeps, especially at NCF, it's hard not to. Thank you for sharing - it's always helpful to know someone else out there who is stuck between the two. I can't talk to any of my childfree friends because, yeah, they think I'm an idiot. I seriously thought I was going to lose one when we started trying. And all my friends with children never had this kind of problem. It was super easy for them. Even online, most of the bloggers I started with have kids by now.
And then I feel selfish because a kid is a major suck on the world and why would I ever want one and I feel like I have to keep justifying this want/need every cycle and it's just gotten very, very hard to justify when I'm spending two weeks out of every five crying. And our next potential step would be throwing $1k at it _every cycle_ which is just - just blows my mind.
There aren't really any resources, either, for childfree by circumstance instead of choice. Maybe we should start a group. :/
Anyway - that's all to say *hugs* and thank you for sharing.

[audesapere.livejournal.com]

I write about it on LJ all the time, mostly on a filter, but I'm happy to add you to it if you somehow think reading my self-absorbed misery is helpful. It's a huge struggle. I don't know any other single women who don't want to be. Nobody has any sympathy at all, and I mean, look at the shit, say, that people post on my FB wall: cat wine and robots to join you for dinner. I'm a horrible disgusting pathetic cliche, and I don't even have anyone in my life I can put down as an emergency contact at the dentist or whatever. It is a loneliness and isolation that I would not wish on anyone. I've had other friends who struggled with infertility, and i have a lot of militantly childfree friends whom I'd feel more empathy for if they weren't constantly convinced they were victims. I support everyone's choices. It's just that I would have chosen to have a family, and I never even got to make that choice. This situation was forced on me; I've essentially been single for almost 5 years.

The incredibly insensitive things people say to me about "Just adopt!" or "Just hook up with someone and get pregnant!" Or "LOL use a sperm donor!" make me cry. I'd NEVER become a single mother on purpose. I don't even really believe in fertility treatments, so I guess this is it. Assholes on OKCupid chose not to be with me, over and over and over and over, and now I'm too old to date, too old to love, too old to have a family, and I've been through enough to know that when things are bad, all that really matters is having good people around you. And I don't and never will. And then I think sometimes, well, everyone is an asshole to me about this, most people I know have really glaring flaws, the human race is not worth propagating anyway. Then I drink and cry some more.

[audesapere.livejournal.com]

anyway, and all THAT is to say, i get it, in some small pitiful way. i'd be down for a group.

[spryng.livejournal.com]

Thank you <3
I have another friend in the same boat who is past 35 and trying to accept that it won't happen. It just sucks.