spryng | Thoughts on a Rainy Afternoon

- I've been (f)unemployed for five weeks now.

- We should know about France in three more weeks.

- Maybe then we can finally plan something and stop hanging out in this weird inbetween.

- If we are leaving later than November, I am picking up a part-time job pronto.

- If we're leaving in November... well, then I'd better start packing.

- I got to officially announce my agented status last week and that felt good... for about a day.

- Because depression doesn't give a fuck if you have an agent. Actually, it's even more fun because you feel extra guilty for being sad.

- My birthday is less than a week away but it's been really hard to think about it because, well, it's been hard to think about anything. I want to celebrate, but I also want to go hide and hope nobody notices and nobody expects me to smile.

- Two of my friends are going through some pretty tough shit and I feel so useless. And then guilty.

- I'm not doing very well at learning French.

- Honestly, I'm just not doing very well.

- fuck TTC.

- We (might) have one last cycle to try and I'm trying to accept the fact that this isn't going to happen for us and it's really, really hard. A lot harder than I ever expected. It's like - like you're trying to get into college and you've taken your tests and applied to some schools and it's spring and all your friends are getting their acceptance letters and you're just getting jack shit. And it's like - your friends are supportive and maybe one or two of them didn't get in, too, so you hold up your chin and try to apply in the fall. But you still don't get accepted. So you retake your SAT and your ACT and you apply to more schools. Meanwhile, your friends just finished their first year of college and they're talking about how much they hate it, how they have to stay up late to finish their homework, how they have to write a 15pg paper, how they have to work a second job to afford books - but all they while they're going to parties and getting an education. They tell you to value your freedom.

Your friends who didn't get the first round get in the second and third. You're left still applying, mailing out expensive application fees, studying and retaking the tests again. Your tutor says everything looks perfect, you've got a great shot - except you still don't get in.

Your friends who chose to eschew college wonder why you're so worked up about it. Just choose the college-free life, man! Less loans, more freedom, the chance to travel the world or start your career right off the back and be making more money sooner.

Your friends who are in college tell you to relax, keep trying. The day of their SAT retake they ate a tomato and got a really high score - maybe you should try that! Or hey, their sister went to this really great tutor if you want their number. Have you thought about community college? Did they mention how much college sucks? Also that tomatoes will give you brain fog and you should never, ever eat them before a test?

Eventually, your college friends are graduating. Your college-free friends have awesome careers. And you wonder what you've done for the past four years, aside from getting really good at taking the SAT and filling out applications.

- I am not a fun person to be around right now.