spryng | (no subject)

It's been a hard few ~~weeks~~ months. February, overall, somehow went better than January in terms of not letting everything go, at least, but the energy I've had to put in just to keep everything together was way more than it should have been.

I'm tired of being depressed. I'm tired of going to work and avoiding everyone. I'm tired of not being able to offer up a smile when needed. It's a very selfish thing, depression is, because you simply do not have the energy to do anything but the bare minimum, and that bare minimum is sometimes just getting out of bed and feeding yourself. It really doesn't help when everyone around you starts avoiding you because you're so "negative."

Last Monday it came to a head. I think it was a combination of having family over for four days - and therefore no space to break down in - and it being the end of another failed cycle and using maca powder for the first time (it's supposed to even out your hormones, but sometimes can overstimulate instead). A guy at work got annoyed when I didn't say good morning to him and I... lost it. I had to go home early.

I'd actually realized Friday before that I needed to find myself a therapist, or some kind of help. My depression does seem to be affected by my hormones, getting worse towards the end of each cycle, but I haven't been myself for months now.

Of course, I've been trying to get in contact with several since Monday and haven't heard back yet... :/

I did go back to Crossfit yesterday. Or rather, I'm trying it out on a provisional basis. I keep thinking over what's changed in the last year or so that's brought all this on - you know, aside from TTC - and that's the other large thing. We quit Crossfit a year and a half ago, intending to go back after six months. We wanted to save money and I wanted to try working out on my own, see how it went.

Well, we saved money and I learned I can strength train on my own, but any endurance/intensity stuff was hit or miss. I didn't think I was missing anything, though, because I bike to work 2-3 times a week and run occasionally. But maybe not?

I was also hesitant to return after so long because intense exercise can affect your cycle. But we're going to be taking another break here soon and I am absolutely done putting off things that maybe just might affect our TTC chances. Especially things that could help.

TL;DR: I'm admitting I have depression and (finally) seeking help. Fuck TTC. I'm going back to Crossfit.