Thoughts on a Coffee Break
Jan. 16th, 2015 11:33 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
spryngI'm supposed to be catching up to my word count, but I have over two hours, so I'm going to do a brain dump first.
The funeral was nice, inasmuch as those things ever are. It was more than a little bizarre to be back in the same place with the same people after only two weeks. It was even more bizarre to not have grandma there. There was a lot of deja vu and a lot of what are we actually here for? and a lot of cider and a lot of family. When we left for the hotel Wednesday night, I told everyone I wanted to see them again but not that soon dammnit.
Grandma is gone. That reality will become more normal soon, I'm sure, but right now it's just weird. With grandpa, it was weeks and months and almost years of wondering when he would go. He also had never been that pleasant to me, at least. Grandma, though, was sweet and loving and occasionally outright hilarious. It's even weirder to realize we'll probably never go back to their hometown. I saw and played in snow there for the first time so many times. And the house - that creepy basement is going to be emptied of all its dead birds and wide-eyed dolls it just won't be creepy anymore.
Watching my mother deal with all the aftermath was slightly terrifying. Even with all of grandma's affairs in order, there was still so much. Thankfully she has three siblings to lean on, so it's not all on her shoulders. But I can see myself and my brother in her shoes someday and it's something I can't imagine going through.
I'm so grateful for so many things, though. I'm grateful grandma made it to our wedding, to my brother's wedding, that she got to see where we live in Tucson, that she made a life for herself after grandpa died, that she got to see all of us just a few weeks ago. I'm grateful I got to become an adult and still have a grandma, so I could better know her and appreciate her as a person in her own right, instead of the fuzzy sweet grandma of youth. Not everyone gets that opportunity.
I'm sad I didn't get to give her another great grandchild first or prove that I could publish a novel (both of my grandmas were firmly in my court to become a writer when I was growing up). But I know that ultimately neither of those really mattered to her. She was just happy I was happy. She even told me as much not even a year ago, grabbing my arm and smiling when she did.
She was also happy I studied Latin. So at least I could do that. :)
The funeral was nice, inasmuch as those things ever are. It was more than a little bizarre to be back in the same place with the same people after only two weeks. It was even more bizarre to not have grandma there. There was a lot of deja vu and a lot of what are we actually here for? and a lot of cider and a lot of family. When we left for the hotel Wednesday night, I told everyone I wanted to see them again but not that soon dammnit.
Grandma is gone. That reality will become more normal soon, I'm sure, but right now it's just weird. With grandpa, it was weeks and months and almost years of wondering when he would go. He also had never been that pleasant to me, at least. Grandma, though, was sweet and loving and occasionally outright hilarious. It's even weirder to realize we'll probably never go back to their hometown. I saw and played in snow there for the first time so many times. And the house - that creepy basement is going to be emptied of all its dead birds and wide-eyed dolls it just won't be creepy anymore.
Watching my mother deal with all the aftermath was slightly terrifying. Even with all of grandma's affairs in order, there was still so much. Thankfully she has three siblings to lean on, so it's not all on her shoulders. But I can see myself and my brother in her shoes someday and it's something I can't imagine going through.
I'm so grateful for so many things, though. I'm grateful grandma made it to our wedding, to my brother's wedding, that she got to see where we live in Tucson, that she made a life for herself after grandpa died, that she got to see all of us just a few weeks ago. I'm grateful I got to become an adult and still have a grandma, so I could better know her and appreciate her as a person in her own right, instead of the fuzzy sweet grandma of youth. Not everyone gets that opportunity.
I'm sad I didn't get to give her another great grandchild first or prove that I could publish a novel (both of my grandmas were firmly in my court to become a writer when I was growing up). But I know that ultimately neither of those really mattered to her. She was just happy I was happy. She even told me as much not even a year ago, grabbing my arm and smiling when she did.
She was also happy I studied Latin. So at least I could do that. :)
