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Aug. 23rd, 2014 05:14 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
spryngI stopped eating chocolate, started taking 5-HTP, eating brazil nuts, and moving my body every day. So far, it seems like one of those things (all of those things?) is working. I feel normal again.
Actually, I'm afraid it might be the chocolate. This is now the third time I've noticed a significant mood shift afterwards. I thought I hadn't really been having much of it, then I honestly looked back over the month and saw it everywhere. It could be a coincidence that I started feeling better just two days after officially cutting it out again. I don't know. But I'm going to spend September testing the theory, so be forewarned.
I think the hardest part about the last four weeks was knowing that there was nothing going on in my life causing the depression. TTC had gotten me down in the past, but nothing as nonsensical as this. But all the advice I got and everywhere I looked online for help, it was all geared towards recovering from some sort of traumatic event. Everything was trying to convince me to talk it out, go to a therapist, etc, while I kept getting more and more frustrated. Yet I still tried to fix things using that advice for those four weeks and not once did it help.
I'm not trying to say that those aren't helpful resources; they are! 98% of the time! But I got so confused - I became half convinced I must be repressing something or lying to myself and then got even more frustrated because I have become so good at reading myself and I just... I think it boils down to knowing I know myself, insisting I know myself, but having every resource come back telling me otherwise. And then doubting that knowledge.
That's not to say I didn't appreciate everyone's help. I tried very hard to remain honest and open about what was going on, and the love I got in return was phenomenal. If anything, all that love from you guys and my other friends helped me realize just how little this depression had to do with real life and how it had to be just the chemicals in my head. Because in past bouts, I would stay up late at night convincing myself of all the ways everyone hates me, and that didn't happen this time.
So, in short: thank you.
In long: I love you. <3
Actually, I'm afraid it might be the chocolate. This is now the third time I've noticed a significant mood shift afterwards. I thought I hadn't really been having much of it, then I honestly looked back over the month and saw it everywhere. It could be a coincidence that I started feeling better just two days after officially cutting it out again. I don't know. But I'm going to spend September testing the theory, so be forewarned.
I think the hardest part about the last four weeks was knowing that there was nothing going on in my life causing the depression. TTC had gotten me down in the past, but nothing as nonsensical as this. But all the advice I got and everywhere I looked online for help, it was all geared towards recovering from some sort of traumatic event. Everything was trying to convince me to talk it out, go to a therapist, etc, while I kept getting more and more frustrated. Yet I still tried to fix things using that advice for those four weeks and not once did it help.
I'm not trying to say that those aren't helpful resources; they are! 98% of the time! But I got so confused - I became half convinced I must be repressing something or lying to myself and then got even more frustrated because I have become so good at reading myself and I just... I think it boils down to knowing I know myself, insisting I know myself, but having every resource come back telling me otherwise. And then doubting that knowledge.
That's not to say I didn't appreciate everyone's help. I tried very hard to remain honest and open about what was going on, and the love I got in return was phenomenal. If anything, all that love from you guys and my other friends helped me realize just how little this depression had to do with real life and how it had to be just the chemicals in my head. Because in past bouts, I would stay up late at night convincing myself of all the ways everyone hates me, and that didn't happen this time.
So, in short: thank you.
In long: I love you. <3
