spryng | Motivation, a Lack Thereof

It's almost April and I feel like March was such a wash. I haven't made any progress in any of my personal goals - on the contrary, I feel like I'm slipping back and losing sight of what's important. And little things keep smacking me in the face and mocking me. Like the promotion I just got - it's fine & dandy and I was worried I wouldn't get it because, wow, that would've been embarrassing considering how I was already doing half the job and being groomed for it, but actually getting it is more like a well yes, obviously for me, and instead people at work (and my mom) are all like "wow! great! hoorah! look what you're making of yourself!" Mom even admonished me for not telling my brother. Why the hell would he care? ~~I'm not a helicopter pilot.~~

But when I turn in my head to explain why it's not important and what is important to me, I realize my hands are empty. I have nothing concrete to show for the hours and days and weeks and months and years I've put into my writing. My pride. My joy. My life. I mean, title work is interesting, but fuck if I'm going to let it define who I am. Yet when I try to give people something else with which to work with, I have nothing. It's very frustrating. It's a liminal area where I have already decided that Writer is Who I am and What I Do, but it's not yet in a place where society will agree with me. I mean, not that I care what society thinks (of course I do, I've always cared, but I try not to let it effect my choices) - but the disconnect still exists. And it's hurting.

Yeah, I know, #firstworldproblems, but it's the only way I can explain this malaise that's plagued me recently and why I'm so damn touchy about my job and my writing.

Wow, this is not the way I was going to take this post. I was going to determine a gameplan for April and a way to stick to it - and I still have time to do that, so let's go!

Keeping in line with my superhero aspirations for 2013, I have a) weightlifting and b) writing & submitting goals to outline and accomplish. Let's start with "a" because it's easier.

Weightlifting: in March I focused on increasing my reps at bodyweight. I got up to five. For April, I am determined to increase that to 7 (my six-month goal is 10). I will do that by putting in at least one BW set each session, starting with a 2x5 set and increasing accordingly. I will be terrified, but I will do it anyway.
I am also going to attempt a handstand at least twice a week. I am scared of being upside down and have been sabotaging my attempts whenever we do them in class. I am going to work on being comfortable being upside down for April.

Running: We have a 7 mile run coming up on April 13th. I am going to do a run four times this week, even if it's as short as two miles. This weekend I am going to run 40+ minutes. Then I am going to dominate the April 13th race and work on recovery & consistency (i.e., running multiple times a week, if not for very long).

Writing & Submitting: I am going to get back into creating and writing. I have set a goal of 100k for the months of April and May and I am going to work on Sen. I will approach this NaNo style if I have to, and go for quantity over quality because at this point I have nothing on the page for Sen and I cannot work with nothing. This means about ~2k a day. I will find that time on my breaks, during lunch, and in the evening. I will catch up on my wordcount with 15 minute sprints on the weekend. I will prioritize my writing for the next two months. I will hold myself accountable via LJ and my friends.

As for submissions, I will stop questioning my ability and denigrating myself. I will just query and let the agents decide whether or not I am right for them instead of sabotaging myself with self-doubt. My goal is 5 queries a week for April. I have created a massive list of agents and over the next few nights I will peruse it and narrow it down and establish priorities. I will celebrate each and every rejection because it means I am actually doing something and not hiding.

Whew. April is going to be scary.