(no subject)

[spryng]

They've been cutting back everyone's hours at work so the hoped-for 35hr/week hasn't happened and neither has the expected 30hr week. Next week I only have 26 hours. Which makes for a relaxing summer, sure, but I still need the money. Bah. I'm probably going to try and see if they need me Sundays to at least make an attempt at 30 hours, but they're apparently being very stingy. Should've known, it being the slow season and all, but then why did they hire so many new cashiers just a month ago?

Work is good though. I usually get to work with people I like/tolerate, most of the managers respect me and the fact that I've been working there for over two years now, angry customers no longer bug me as much as they used to. Instead they just serve to remind me that I should never get so worked up over the length of a line or the quality of a tomato. Seriously guys. Some of these people are just in a constant state of miserable anger. I just pity them and hope I never allow myself to get like that.

I've been reading more as well as watching a lot more movies/Buffy/Angel and also started another story. This one shouldn't be too daunting to write, since I haven't much of a plot, just a character and a setting, which is unusual, since usually the plot comes first. Also it seems as if it might have a happier ending than most of my stories...

Less happily, my panic attacks are continuing. Mostly just little ones, but every once in a while I have a scary one. Had one at work the other day and nearly fainted. It was kinda cute, because there were people concerned who I didn't think could even get concerned. But yeah. Last year I remember reading something about most people getting an attack or two in their lifetime but never having one again, but then I had them in August, and September, and October, and January and a few in the spring (but I think I was way too involved with thesis to let them in then) and then come May they've been almost weekly. Is it too much time to myself? Too much time to think? I feel like I'm becoming a hypochondriac, which stems from the attacks. I hate them, but I need to remind myself that that's all they are - I haven't got a tumor, I haven't got a blood clot, I'm not going to have a stroke or a seizure or develop spontaneous cancer and the tests last year proved my heart is perfectly fine, no heart attacks.

Reading about them makes me feel better, calms me. Reminds me that they're nothing but mental mind games. Especially since -all- of my symptoms are on the list of panic symptoms. Maybe I should print out a list to carry around with me, remind me that these crazy symptoms actually make sense, just not physically. Because I just can't have this happen at work. I know they wouldn't fire me, but being on a register kinda makes it hard to go sit in a corner and try and control myself. Kinda funny that the lady whose order I'd started ringing up before I started shaking too much to continue didn't notice that someone else took my place, though. xp

But yes, back to that writing thing. Need to do it! No excuses anymore. I have shit tons of time.

Comments

[vinegrr.livejournal.com]

Wow, does this ever sound familiar. I mean exactly, everything down to the hypochondria. And then you feel kind of hopeless because the attacks keep happening, and you're like, "shit, is this what the rest of my life is going to be like?" What helped me was just time. It's funny how familiarity makes even panic episodes less exciting, heh. I don't know how it will be for you, but progress for me was slow -- but there! Every year has gotten a little better in terms of being able to deal with and control them, and I have faith that the same will happen to you. And if you ever need to bitch to someone about them, I'm here, just an email or IM away. :D

HUGS!