🎶Anxiiiiiiiiiiiiiety🎶
Jan. 21st, 2024 06:42 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
spryngI had the worst bout of anxiety last night. I haven't had night dread so bad in at least 5 years, maybe longer. That's this fear that if I fall asleep, I'm not going to wake up again. Usually a little twinge in my head or leg gets blown up into A Blood Clot or some other, equally unlikely but highly mortal thing, and then, of course, the only way to ward off death is to never sleep again.
For a span of about 2 years, I actually had to take muscle relaxers every night to sleep, because I was so convinced of my imminent doom. It was... not fun. And makes you sound a bit crazy, you know? "Why are you so tired all the time?" "Oh, I'm afraid to sleep." "Why?" "Because that's when they get you."
The lack of exercise has definitely contributed to the anxiety, but I think so's the imminent surgery. I've had to go under twice before (teeth!), and the whole process kind of freaks me out. And I know that it's rare for anything to go wrong, but anxiety brain is like "rare? doesn't mean impossible" which is... not helpful. I'd rather not have someone all up in my guts, but what's the alternative? It's not like it's just the stones, which I could live with. The fucker was infected and distended. It's gonna blow at some point...
I guess knowing that doesn't make things less scary. Just... easier to be brave.
And the nice thing--if there can be anything nice--about having anxiety as someone in my late 30s vs teens and beyond, is I have coping skills. I know the Night Dread will pass by morning. I have medical & family history as evidence that the Scary Blood Clot isn't something I have to fear. And I also know that movement and exercise help.
Which is why, even though it's 28 degrees this morning, it's time for a run.
For a span of about 2 years, I actually had to take muscle relaxers every night to sleep, because I was so convinced of my imminent doom. It was... not fun. And makes you sound a bit crazy, you know? "Why are you so tired all the time?" "Oh, I'm afraid to sleep." "Why?" "Because that's when they get you."
The lack of exercise has definitely contributed to the anxiety, but I think so's the imminent surgery. I've had to go under twice before (teeth!), and the whole process kind of freaks me out. And I know that it's rare for anything to go wrong, but anxiety brain is like "rare? doesn't mean impossible" which is... not helpful. I'd rather not have someone all up in my guts, but what's the alternative? It's not like it's just the stones, which I could live with. The fucker was infected and distended. It's gonna blow at some point...
I guess knowing that doesn't make things less scary. Just... easier to be brave.
And the nice thing--if there can be anything nice--about having anxiety as someone in my late 30s vs teens and beyond, is I have coping skills. I know the Night Dread will pass by morning. I have medical & family history as evidence that the Scary Blood Clot isn't something I have to fear. And I also know that movement and exercise help.
Which is why, even though it's 28 degrees this morning, it's time for a run.
