Happy Solstice!
Dec. 22nd, 2022 06:06 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
spryngIt's the shortest day*, the longest night. Living in Florida as a kid, this held little significance to me -- winter days are bright and sunny, so why did I need to celebrate the light's return? If anything, I celebrated the summer solstice with more gusto, as it meant the overwhelming heat would slowly (s l o w l y) recede.
Now that I've lived up North, I understand that desire for light a little more deeply. The Solstice is an ever-returning promise, a hope that, even as your world gets darker, colder, warmth and sun will return. This too shall pass.
You can stay literal with it or you can get all metaphorical about it, and the direction I choose largely depends on the year I've had. This year? This year I need the metaphor. I need to know that things will get better.
I joked a little that 2020 sucked for everyone but our family, and that was largely true -- we were already isolated from friends and family when the pandemic isolated the rest of the world and suddenly, I had camaraderie in a way I'd been looking for but unable to find since we'd moved to Michigan. Then Dr Lady got pregnant a few months in, then interviewed for and got a job in FL all within a week, and suddenly I was flying South to look at houses and then we were moving, and then it was Christmas with family we hadn't seen in a long time (distanced, outside, but still) and it felt like we'd dodged the worst of it.
2021 was more dodging -- we had Baby Doore 2, henceforth known as Baby, and we both were able to take time off so it was three months of getting to know this little human and gardening (lots of gardening) and he slept great from the get-go and maybe we got a little spoiled. Then it was the hope of the vaccine, settling into a new life that would actually be permanent (no more moving!!) and making friends. Was the autumn of 2021 awful because my wife had her first class and was up every night until 1am working so I had to care for the kids? Yes -- but it was a one-time thing. Was December also kind of awful because we were down 4 people at work and I was doing the job of 3 of them, sneaking in hours while we were visiting family for Christmas? Also yes -- but it was a one-time thing.
2022 started out promising. It's hard to feel anything but joy when you can go strawberry-picking in January, when little girls get pink teeth from all the berries and pink hands from the cold. We lost a chicken to the foxes and I had to hurriedly pen them in, but we haven't lost one since. I was writing, if haltingly. I stopped drinking alcohol in January and managed to stick with it into February and beyond. Cabin Girl was in Pre-K and we were all gearing up for Kindergarten in the fall. Our mom friend was starting to show fraying at the edges, but we thought she could still pull it together. It was getting hotter, but the nights were still cool.
We went to the beach and Cabin Girl learned how to swim and we picked blueberries and I ran a 7k and we went to festivals and Baby learned how to walk, then run -- the first half of the year was pretty good. I even weaned off my anxiety medicine (with the blessing of my doctor).
Then June hit. My wife had a conference at the end of the month and we struggled with whether she should go. Virologists, right? Of anyone, they'd be vaccinated. They'd wear masks. We were more worried about the flights than the conference.
Except someone came to the conference with COVID, didn't wear a mask, gave a big speech when they knew their husband had just tested positive for COVID, and proceeded to give everyone there a fun little present. Including my wife.
July 2nd we both tested positive, as did Baby.
COVID was like getting hit by a train, but the worst of the exhaustion and chills only lasted a few days. We wore masks around the house and set up an air filter and somehow, Cabin Girl stayed healthy. But even though the worst of COVID only last 48 hours, the fatigue and brain fog persisted.
I was fully useless for at least four weeks. I could do basic tasks like chores, some stuff at work, but every meeting felt like forcing hard cheese through a flour sifter. My brain could only process so much. ON top of that, COVID wrecked my immune system and in the span of three weeks I had a cold and then a persistent fever that became pneumonia. My goal of finishing my WIP by the end of August became utterly unattainable.
At the same time, Baby decided to have a sleep regression. Now if he didn't take 2-3 hours to stop screaming at night, he'd wake up for 2-3 hours in the middle of the night to scream.
As the brain fog finally started to lift, my wife's... didn't. She had migraines and some other stuff that culminated in several ER visits and finally a referral to a neurologist. There was some scary shit on some MRIs that have turned out to be slightly less scary, but nevertheless Not Great. Meanwhile, she still had a semester to teach and a Baby who just. Wouldn't. Sleep.
COVID knocked out a year of my running and lifting gains and training felt like starting from scratch. It is incredibly frustrating to have been running 5ks on the regular only to have to relearn how to run 1k.
Through all that, our mom friend fell apart. She faced homelessness in August, that we somehow avoided, and then every month was another crisis. It was... not great.
October, November, life got a little easier, but while I was fully recovered, my wife kept dipping back into periods of fatigue and brain fog, and so I was frequently on my own with the kids. Plus, some Baby still refused to sleep.
December is not over yet, so I can't say for sure how this month will be, but I can certainly say the second half of 2022 fucking sucked. It felt like 2020 snuck up behind us and stabbed us all in the back. We're a lot more cautious - again - and it's hard to feel hopeful when you're exhausted and there's no end in sight.
But... that's the point of the Solstice, isn't it? At least the meaning we've created around it. That even when it's darker than ever before, the sun will still rise. We will get through this. It will get better. I have to hold that hope close, so as not to lose it during all of this.
I have to hope that Baby will sleep again.
I have to hope that we'll figure out what's going on with my wife, and manage it.
I have to hope that I'll finish this story.
I have to hope that we'll be okay.
I have to hope that 2023 will be better. That it will bring its own challenges, but we'll get through them like we have these.
I have to hope. I can't help it.
Happy Solstice. <3
*It is no longer the Solstice, as I was unable to finish writing this yesterday, but we are in that weird void part of the year, so who cares.
Now that I've lived up North, I understand that desire for light a little more deeply. The Solstice is an ever-returning promise, a hope that, even as your world gets darker, colder, warmth and sun will return. This too shall pass.
You can stay literal with it or you can get all metaphorical about it, and the direction I choose largely depends on the year I've had. This year? This year I need the metaphor. I need to know that things will get better.
I joked a little that 2020 sucked for everyone but our family, and that was largely true -- we were already isolated from friends and family when the pandemic isolated the rest of the world and suddenly, I had camaraderie in a way I'd been looking for but unable to find since we'd moved to Michigan. Then Dr Lady got pregnant a few months in, then interviewed for and got a job in FL all within a week, and suddenly I was flying South to look at houses and then we were moving, and then it was Christmas with family we hadn't seen in a long time (distanced, outside, but still) and it felt like we'd dodged the worst of it.
2021 was more dodging -- we had Baby Doore 2, henceforth known as Baby, and we both were able to take time off so it was three months of getting to know this little human and gardening (lots of gardening) and he slept great from the get-go and maybe we got a little spoiled. Then it was the hope of the vaccine, settling into a new life that would actually be permanent (no more moving!!) and making friends. Was the autumn of 2021 awful because my wife had her first class and was up every night until 1am working so I had to care for the kids? Yes -- but it was a one-time thing. Was December also kind of awful because we were down 4 people at work and I was doing the job of 3 of them, sneaking in hours while we were visiting family for Christmas? Also yes -- but it was a one-time thing.
2022 started out promising. It's hard to feel anything but joy when you can go strawberry-picking in January, when little girls get pink teeth from all the berries and pink hands from the cold. We lost a chicken to the foxes and I had to hurriedly pen them in, but we haven't lost one since. I was writing, if haltingly. I stopped drinking alcohol in January and managed to stick with it into February and beyond. Cabin Girl was in Pre-K and we were all gearing up for Kindergarten in the fall. Our mom friend was starting to show fraying at the edges, but we thought she could still pull it together. It was getting hotter, but the nights were still cool.
We went to the beach and Cabin Girl learned how to swim and we picked blueberries and I ran a 7k and we went to festivals and Baby learned how to walk, then run -- the first half of the year was pretty good. I even weaned off my anxiety medicine (with the blessing of my doctor).
Then June hit. My wife had a conference at the end of the month and we struggled with whether she should go. Virologists, right? Of anyone, they'd be vaccinated. They'd wear masks. We were more worried about the flights than the conference.
Except someone came to the conference with COVID, didn't wear a mask, gave a big speech when they knew their husband had just tested positive for COVID, and proceeded to give everyone there a fun little present. Including my wife.
July 2nd we both tested positive, as did Baby.
COVID was like getting hit by a train, but the worst of the exhaustion and chills only lasted a few days. We wore masks around the house and set up an air filter and somehow, Cabin Girl stayed healthy. But even though the worst of COVID only last 48 hours, the fatigue and brain fog persisted.
I was fully useless for at least four weeks. I could do basic tasks like chores, some stuff at work, but every meeting felt like forcing hard cheese through a flour sifter. My brain could only process so much. ON top of that, COVID wrecked my immune system and in the span of three weeks I had a cold and then a persistent fever that became pneumonia. My goal of finishing my WIP by the end of August became utterly unattainable.
At the same time, Baby decided to have a sleep regression. Now if he didn't take 2-3 hours to stop screaming at night, he'd wake up for 2-3 hours in the middle of the night to scream.
As the brain fog finally started to lift, my wife's... didn't. She had migraines and some other stuff that culminated in several ER visits and finally a referral to a neurologist. There was some scary shit on some MRIs that have turned out to be slightly less scary, but nevertheless Not Great. Meanwhile, she still had a semester to teach and a Baby who just. Wouldn't. Sleep.
COVID knocked out a year of my running and lifting gains and training felt like starting from scratch. It is incredibly frustrating to have been running 5ks on the regular only to have to relearn how to run 1k.
Through all that, our mom friend fell apart. She faced homelessness in August, that we somehow avoided, and then every month was another crisis. It was... not great.
October, November, life got a little easier, but while I was fully recovered, my wife kept dipping back into periods of fatigue and brain fog, and so I was frequently on my own with the kids. Plus, some Baby still refused to sleep.
December is not over yet, so I can't say for sure how this month will be, but I can certainly say the second half of 2022 fucking sucked. It felt like 2020 snuck up behind us and stabbed us all in the back. We're a lot more cautious - again - and it's hard to feel hopeful when you're exhausted and there's no end in sight.
But... that's the point of the Solstice, isn't it? At least the meaning we've created around it. That even when it's darker than ever before, the sun will still rise. We will get through this. It will get better. I have to hold that hope close, so as not to lose it during all of this.
I have to hope that Baby will sleep again.
I have to hope that we'll figure out what's going on with my wife, and manage it.
I have to hope that I'll finish this story.
I have to hope that we'll be okay.
I have to hope that 2023 will be better. That it will bring its own challenges, but we'll get through them like we have these.
I have to hope. I can't help it.
Happy Solstice. <3
*It is no longer the Solstice, as I was unable to finish writing this yesterday, but we are in that weird void part of the year, so who cares.
no subject
Date: 2022-12-22 01:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-12-22 01:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-12-23 03:18 am (UTC)I hope your wife is able to make a full recovery. I hope you'll be able to finish your WIP (I'm in a similar creative rut and I've given myself permission to do a smaller, more fun project for the next week or so). I love the idea of your blueberry girl eating her weight in berries. And I promise for absolute certain that Baby will learn to sleep *or* that it won't be your problem forever.