Day by day

[spryng]

The days are blurring together. I keep meaning to post and then it's a week later and there's too much to post about and nothing at all.

Babies are hard. I knew it'd be hard, but it's one thing to know and another to do. I'm trying to appreciate the now, but I'm constantly looking forward to when things will be ever so slightly easier. When my entire day (and night) isn't consumed by baby. It's already better than it was a week ago, two weeks ago, a month ago, and I feel selfish for wanting more time, but...

I know that life has fundamentally changed and every step along the way will be difficult in its own way. But I also know that spending over 12 hours trying to sleep / trying to get a baby to sleep every day is needlessly difficult. Once she goes to bed at a reasonable time (not 12am), with a reasonable amount of fuss (less than four hours), I'll have at least an extra two, three hours of time a day and that will be life changing.

Because right now it's a struggle just to eat and pee and go for a walk. Let alone sleep and do necessary chores and pay bills. And to even think about decorating or Christmas or gifts - hahahaha.

On top of all of that I have a project due at the end of January related to a thing I can't talk about yet, so I'm also stressing about getting enough done each day.

And then I feel guilty because I have help, yet somehow it's still overwhelming and I keep panicking because I'm not doing *enough*. And then I also feel guilty because I so so wanted this, worked for this for years, was jealous of other people who had this, and now here I am complaining.

I do love her and I'm glad she happened and now that she smiles and makes noises other than crying it's so much easier. But man, it was a rough few weeks there when all I could do was cry while she cried. I honest to god have no idea how straight people who have a baby "accidentally" and aren't 100% enthused about it do this. You have to really fucking want that baby to survive the newborn stage.

We're getting there. I see the light at the end of the sleep dep and peak fuss tunnel. She sleeps well once she goes to sleep, we just need her to go to sleep earlier. That's it. That's all I ask for.

Comments

[dreamsrundeep.livejournal.com]

I think the first year is a lesson in letting go. There isn't enough time. There isn't enough sleep. Some things are going to have to fall by the wayside, especially for a working Mama. And that's okay. Make sure you give yourself grace and space. Emotions are high, sleep deprivation is real, things ARE piling up but those things are just things. Emotion and sleep management are way more important right now. And you shouldn't feel guilty. It is okay to say how you feel because it IS hard. The hardest thing ever. Also a sweet and wonderful thing, but HARD. Especially when you are tired, oh-so-tired. And you are watching as things pile up and feel like it should all be done. It shouldn't. It won't. Do the absolute minimum you can to get by right now. It will change. It will. Someday she'll be playing in the living room by herself while you do dishes or throw in laundry.. and even take a SHOWER! Without watching her every second! Amazing! And it will happen. It will!

But for now, let go. Let go of the guilt you feel when you say this is hard. Let go of the chores that are piling up and do what you can. Who cares? You have a baby! You're trying to survive right now. Did I already say it was hard? 'Cause it's HARD. More Mamas should talk like this. We give each other this shiny view of motherhood where we're all Pinteresty and Doing-All-The-Things and that is SO not true. My kid didn't have a bath for over a week this week (because he broke his arm and I was traumatized) and I didn't remember until his butt itched. He's five. :) It's all good. You're going to make it. Feel all the feels.

And then shop for everyone at Amazon and click buttons to make things happen :)

[falena]

Best comment ever. +1 to infinity.

Thank you for saying this much better than I could!

[spreadsothin.livejournal.com]

yes, ^wss.
This is hard. You are not alone. Call on your resources. Every day you keep the baby alive is amazing. They need so much. <3 <3 <3

[spryng.livejournal.com]

Omg Amazon for the win. I bought cat food off of Amazon recently and I briefly felt guilty because Amazon is a terrible company, but then my cats are going to be fed, so.

Wearing her makes a big difference in how much I can get done, but omg some days I'm just too tired to even wear her. It's good to vent and hear that every mom goes through this - makes me feel a little less crazy, a little less guilty.

Thank you for listening and the affirmation <3

[dreamsrundeep.livejournal.com]

Nicole found a deal on kitty litter at Walmart when the boys were teeny tiny and she ordered enough to qualify for free shipping.... The UPS man literally hauled six 40 pound containers of kitty litter up to our porch. I felt terrible for the UPS man, but WINNING for us!

[gvenvivar.livejournal.com]

Omg my worst nightmares are again and again proved by your post. So the overwhelming happiness is not enough to balance the nerves?..
You know, in our country, expats are giving birth, then dropping the babies on their mothers' shoulders and keep working abroad... very easy, but what's the point?.. I keep asking myself, if the point is just to push her out of my vagina for the world's sake, and make my family happy, or to go through this all myself and change my life completely.

[spryng.livejournal.com]

It's hard to say. I know some mothers are instantly overwhelmed with happiness, but I've always fallen in love slowly, so my experience has been a lot slower. I love her more and more each day, but it's not yet overwhelming. But that's just me.

But also, I was never thrilled about the newborn/infant/baby part of it. I've always wanted a child who could talk and who was actively exploring the world, to/with whom I could go on hikes and runs and show the world. An infant is a necessary step on the way to that. Some people love infants, think they're the best part, but for me, I'm looking forward to when she's a bit older and on the worst nights I think about how this will pass and she will grow and everything worth doing is hard. So that definitely colors my experience.

All that said, I'm learning I have an infant on the more difficult side of the scale. The hours of screaming every night isn't all that normal and plenty of babies just cry when something's wrong. You just don't know what you're going to get.

I wrote this post while I was feeling particularly downtrodden and glum, because I was feeling guilty about feeling that way, but right now I have a sleeping infant on my chest and she's been smiling and laughing most of the day and her little snorts and snores are The. Best. I did laundry and got work down and took a nap and a shower and made a pot of soup, all today. I'm also a type A perfectionist, so.

[spryng.livejournal.com]

Things have definitely settled into a rhythm of their own. I just have to practice giving in and letting go. It's hard. It's hard in a way I never expected or dreamed. But it's good to know it's hard for everyone.