Thoughts on A lunch Break, Part 54

[spryng]

- I'm still reading LJ posts on a daily-ish basis, just not posting.

- I've all but fully moved over to my other blog. Sorry. >>

- That said, it's not the same as LJ. It never will be and that's probably okay. I don't know if I need to pour out my soul onto the internet as much as I needed it in the past. I'm trying to hit the highlights instead, so as to avoid losing everything in the fogs of memory. But now I have a paper journal for that. So.

- Next week is Christmas. Considering how long I've been dreading it, I'm surprised that it's almost already here. Truthfully, I am looking forward to seeing family, but I'm even more excited about January. There's just so many fresh starts.

- I'm ready to lay this very, very disappointing year to rest. The two major things I was working on this year - getting pregnant and published - didn't happen and an awesome friend moved too many states away. I didn't think any of those would be as hard to deal with as they were, nor did I even suspect they would pull on my heart so hard. I miss Penny and I know we'll get to see her again soon, but it also reminds me of all the friends who we've left (so many, too many), and who we're going to leave when we move again.

- Someone needs to invent a freaking teleporter already.

- Or we need to just get our commune together and invite all those friends and never, ever let them leave.

- I'm so close to 100k on my rewrite (first draft?) but I need to take a break. I'm stressing out over all the Christmas stuff and getting ready to be gone for a week and I simply cannot figure this ending out. What is my problem with endings? Seriously. Every time. I can do a wicked beginning and a pretty decent middle, but tying it all together in a way that is both epic and fulfilling...? Not so much. And since this is a fantasy ADVENTURE, I feel like the ending has to be especially epic. So I'm taking a week... maybe I can figure this out.

- I've been a weird ball of sad and stressed and depressed and okay lately. I don't know what to do about it. It's not as bad as August - I just feel off. I started taking vitamin D and 5-HTP again, and I'm trying to be more consistent with exercise, and also just taking a moment to clear my mind and breathe, but idk. It's helping a little, but I'm worried about starting TTC again. The thought of seeing a therapist makes me physically cry, though, and I don't know if that's a sign I should or shouldn't. I'll see how the next few weeks go.

- I love my friends (near & far), I love my wife, I love the cats, I love the chickens, I'm grateful to live in a state where it's not currently below freezing and/or snowing, I'm healthy, my family is (mostly) healthy, I'm writing, I'm fine with my job - everything is fine and right and yet.

- Lady is busy finishing up her phd. She'll be graduating in May. I can't even wrap my head around that.

- We'll be trying for baby again in January. I'm a mixed bag of feels about that. We know more now and we'll have more times to try, but... I just, I don't know. I have absolutely no confidence that anything will happen in that arena in the next 12 months.

- I guess I feel the same way about my writing.

- Whew.

- And thus concludes my thought vomit.

- <3

Comments

[dreamsrundeep.livejournal.com]

Man. Babymaking is hard business. Do all you can to be good to yourself through the process. Therapists are hardly ever a bad idea (I cannot use the word "never") and I think they can be especially valuable when you are going through something that messes with your hormones. It could help to have an objective person/dumping ground to help you talk through all the insane emotions and fears/hopes roller-coaster that comes with the whole TTC process.

Here is hoping only the best for your little family in 2015!