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Nov. 22nd, 2011 10:25 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
spryngThese last few weeks – especially since the election – have been an exercise in patience, time-management, and hair-tearing stress. Despite how easily it seems that I can just jump from job to job, state to state, and occasionally country to country, I'm nowhere near as spontaneous as I'd like to think I am. I put a lot of thought and planning into every little thing. I'm absolutely fine with last minute changes, but I cannot stand the state of not knowing and not being certain. I don't care if what I'm certain about ends up being absolutely wrong – that's way better than knowing I cannot know.
Which is where I've been. One minute it's oh, you won't know until December, then it's oh, I'm sure they're going to keep you, then it's oh, wait, no, they're rolling the EA job and your job into one, there's no way they're going to keep you, then it's but maybe followed closely by but why haven't they said anything to me yet? Followed again by but if he's staying –
At times I've been glad to be rid of this job, other times I want to grip it so tightly no one will be able to pry me loose. Sometimes I think this is the perfect opportunity for me to kick back and find a job I actually enjoy, and then I look for jobs and all I'm qualified for are boring desk jobs doing the same thing I did here. Except here I had so much free time (well, not in the last few weeks) and leeway and freedom in general to modify my schedule, come and go, tackle problems my own way. Truthfully, this job has been really really awesome in the way it's allowed me to do whatever. But at the same time I don't feel like I've grown. I don't feel like this job could ever actually take me anywhere, and neither could jobs like it. At least, nowhere I'd like to go.
So I'll be out looking again very, very soon. I have the one part time job for now at the photo studio. And to be truthful, so far I hate it there. It's high velocity stress with an emphasis on sales and my photography style had hinged on tweaking and details and having familiar subjects. Granted, I went into this knowing I'd be highly uncomfortable and forced to learn new ways and techniques and be way the hell out of my comfort zone. But, well, knowing is so different from actually experiencing it. And when every instinct in me is screaming this sucks why are you doing this?? it's kind of hard to remember it'll get better. It'll get easier.
So again I'm faced with the question what do I want to do? Write – well, yes, of course. But what can I do to support that? I don't know. But again I think, maybe I could teach. I keep coming up with that and then dismissing it out of hand because it just seems like the obvious answer. I know it's a stupid reason to dismiss something, but there it is. It's the first thing to come to mind, so I automatically dismiss it. Besides, it would take effort. And stuff.
But maybe I need to just put in the effort. Maybe I need to commit to a crummy job so that I can also get certified or take the classes I need. Maybe I should try harder instead of scooting through, flinging myself one way and then the other. Maybe I should put as much single-minded determination and obsession into finding a job that I actually enjoy as I do into researching weight-lifting, diet, and photography. Because if there's one thing I'm good at, it's obsessing.
Okay, insane obsessiveness: you're on!
Which is where I've been. One minute it's oh, you won't know until December, then it's oh, I'm sure they're going to keep you, then it's oh, wait, no, they're rolling the EA job and your job into one, there's no way they're going to keep you, then it's but maybe followed closely by but why haven't they said anything to me yet? Followed again by but if he's staying –
At times I've been glad to be rid of this job, other times I want to grip it so tightly no one will be able to pry me loose. Sometimes I think this is the perfect opportunity for me to kick back and find a job I actually enjoy, and then I look for jobs and all I'm qualified for are boring desk jobs doing the same thing I did here. Except here I had so much free time (well, not in the last few weeks) and leeway and freedom in general to modify my schedule, come and go, tackle problems my own way. Truthfully, this job has been really really awesome in the way it's allowed me to do whatever. But at the same time I don't feel like I've grown. I don't feel like this job could ever actually take me anywhere, and neither could jobs like it. At least, nowhere I'd like to go.
So I'll be out looking again very, very soon. I have the one part time job for now at the photo studio. And to be truthful, so far I hate it there. It's high velocity stress with an emphasis on sales and my photography style had hinged on tweaking and details and having familiar subjects. Granted, I went into this knowing I'd be highly uncomfortable and forced to learn new ways and techniques and be way the hell out of my comfort zone. But, well, knowing is so different from actually experiencing it. And when every instinct in me is screaming this sucks why are you doing this?? it's kind of hard to remember it'll get better. It'll get easier.
So again I'm faced with the question what do I want to do? Write – well, yes, of course. But what can I do to support that? I don't know. But again I think, maybe I could teach. I keep coming up with that and then dismissing it out of hand because it just seems like the obvious answer. I know it's a stupid reason to dismiss something, but there it is. It's the first thing to come to mind, so I automatically dismiss it. Besides, it would take effort. And stuff.
But maybe I need to just put in the effort. Maybe I need to commit to a crummy job so that I can also get certified or take the classes I need. Maybe I should try harder instead of scooting through, flinging myself one way and then the other. Maybe I should put as much single-minded determination and obsession into finding a job that I actually enjoy as I do into researching weight-lifting, diet, and photography. Because if there's one thing I'm good at, it's obsessing.
Okay, insane obsessiveness: you're on!
