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Things I am Enjoying
May. 9th, 2024 04:59 am- CG's ability to understand more and more complex topics.
The other day, I was frustrated by something and said "I'm so stupid!" CG got upset, because she hates when any of us say mean things about ourselves. After I calmed down, I explained that I didn't really mean it, I just needed something nasty to say to match the nastiness I was feeling. And I pointed out, hey -- you do this, too. Because she does. When she gets really angry, she'll start saying stuff like "nobody loves me" and "I'm the worst." And I've tried to tackle these thoughts from a few angles, but finally, this time, she was like oh. "I know how you feel now when I say those things, because I really didn't like it when you said that mean thing about yourself."
I was like, yeah: but also, while I understand you don't really mean it, if you keep repeating it, you might believe it. This is why we use stronger words like the f-word instead -- to say something to get out some of that nasty feeling without being mean to ourselves or others. Another oh, followed closely by, so does this mean I can use the f-word??. 😂
- Our neighborhood and where we're situated. I can't get over how lucky we got with our location. It only took two days of looking at about 12 houses with minimal understanding of this city and how it functions, but now having been here for almost 4 years, I can't imagine a better place. We have two grocery stores within biking distance and a library all of us (even Toddler) can walk to and a playground we can bike to and CG's elementary school is also within biking distance. Plus, most of our neighbors are pretty cool and we keep discovering more who are around CG's age.
Not only that, but somehow I even lucked out with having a Crossfit box within walking/biking distance, so outside of the weekends, I legit don't use the car. I could ditch the car altogether here if the biking infrastructure were just a liiittle better. There are just several places that are too fucking dangerous to not use a car, especially with the kids. 😞
- Writing. I am actually enjoying writing for the first time in ages. I don't remember the last time words flowed like this. I wrote 2.5k one day last week and then 2k immediately the next day. If I had a bite more time, I'd be writing 2k days consistently. As it is, I've been taking a little extra time in the middle or at the end of the day to write and actually writing, too, whereas before I'd give myself 30min and then just... sit there.
The story is ridiculous -- fantasy horror with a splash of the surreal. It's a love letter to Half-Life and D&D and also a critique of both. Maybe it's fanfic, maybe it's not, I don't really care. I'm having fun and that's all that matters. It doesn't need to have a goal or a home or even ever be shared. I can just make something to make something. I don't know if not having an agent any more just lifted the burden of publishing off my shoulders, but something has changed and I'm so relieved.
- Toddler's cheeks. They're so squishy.
- Our garden. I have tried for years to grow a garden, and every year has been a disaster or worse. I've been chasing the high of our Tucson community garden, which was fucking magical. This year I tried again, and it looks like I actually planted everything early enough. We've got tomatoes starting to ripen, we've got peppers, we've got kale, we've even got cucumbers that CG is excited about. I don't know how long it'll last before the heat wrecks everything, but I'm babying that group of plants like the chickens.
The other day, I was frustrated by something and said "I'm so stupid!" CG got upset, because she hates when any of us say mean things about ourselves. After I calmed down, I explained that I didn't really mean it, I just needed something nasty to say to match the nastiness I was feeling. And I pointed out, hey -- you do this, too. Because she does. When she gets really angry, she'll start saying stuff like "nobody loves me" and "I'm the worst." And I've tried to tackle these thoughts from a few angles, but finally, this time, she was like oh. "I know how you feel now when I say those things, because I really didn't like it when you said that mean thing about yourself."
I was like, yeah: but also, while I understand you don't really mean it, if you keep repeating it, you might believe it. This is why we use stronger words like the f-word instead -- to say something to get out some of that nasty feeling without being mean to ourselves or others. Another oh, followed closely by, so does this mean I can use the f-word??. 😂
- Our neighborhood and where we're situated. I can't get over how lucky we got with our location. It only took two days of looking at about 12 houses with minimal understanding of this city and how it functions, but now having been here for almost 4 years, I can't imagine a better place. We have two grocery stores within biking distance and a library all of us (even Toddler) can walk to and a playground we can bike to and CG's elementary school is also within biking distance. Plus, most of our neighbors are pretty cool and we keep discovering more who are around CG's age.
Not only that, but somehow I even lucked out with having a Crossfit box within walking/biking distance, so outside of the weekends, I legit don't use the car. I could ditch the car altogether here if the biking infrastructure were just a liiittle better. There are just several places that are too fucking dangerous to not use a car, especially with the kids. 😞
- Writing. I am actually enjoying writing for the first time in ages. I don't remember the last time words flowed like this. I wrote 2.5k one day last week and then 2k immediately the next day. If I had a bite more time, I'd be writing 2k days consistently. As it is, I've been taking a little extra time in the middle or at the end of the day to write and actually writing, too, whereas before I'd give myself 30min and then just... sit there.
The story is ridiculous -- fantasy horror with a splash of the surreal. It's a love letter to Half-Life and D&D and also a critique of both. Maybe it's fanfic, maybe it's not, I don't really care. I'm having fun and that's all that matters. It doesn't need to have a goal or a home or even ever be shared. I can just make something to make something. I don't know if not having an agent any more just lifted the burden of publishing off my shoulders, but something has changed and I'm so relieved.
- Toddler's cheeks. They're so squishy.
- Our garden. I have tried for years to grow a garden, and every year has been a disaster or worse. I've been chasing the high of our Tucson community garden, which was fucking magical. This year I tried again, and it looks like I actually planted everything early enough. We've got tomatoes starting to ripen, we've got peppers, we've got kale, we've even got cucumbers that CG is excited about. I don't know how long it'll last before the heat wrecks everything, but I'm babying that group of plants like the chickens.
