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Oct. 28th, 2023 07:10 amI've felt whole and well for almost two whole weeks now. Toddler seems to be fighting off a cold and both Cabin Girl and Dr Lady have been under the weather with sore throats, but somehow I've avoided either sickness. I don't know if it's because I started mainlining electrolytes or if I've just broken the curse, but I haven't had more than a week of wellness since August started, so I'll take it.
That said, while I've been well physically, I have not been doing that great mentally. Ever since I decided to angle for that promotion/raise on Monday, I've been grappling with my realization that I just Can't with writing right now. Some of it is unavoidable grief -- of a dream delayed if not gone, it feels the same -- and some of it is guilt -- I have so much to be grateful for, and which I truly am grateful for -- and some of it is jealousy.
I talked some of it out with Dr Lady, at least voicing all the regret and grief and pain that I've been feeling these past months (years?). Realizing that trunking that book last spring really did a number on me, and even though I cranked out a book over the summer (mostly out of spite), none of it is good enough to claw my way back into publishing.
Even though neither of us have any solutions, it helped to let it out. Her career has always taken precedence over mine, and I chose that when I chose her, but gosh it just... it hurts sometimes. But that's not her fault. That's society's and how we value some things much more highly than others, despite our demand/need for both.
All I can really do is focus on the good for now. And there is so much good. Weirdly, because Dr Lady was sick most of the week, she stayed home, which meant I could avail myself of the car to pick the kids up early each day. And that was lovely--I got to spend more time with both of them without rushing to get them fed, watered, to Taekwondo or bed. Since it's cooling down, they've both played outside for a bit each evening, CG practicing with her new scooter and Toddler being... well, Toddler.
I love the non-summer months in FL, especially up her in North Florida. I love that come October, we can start enjoying being outside again. And it's just going to get nicer over the next few months, so I'm going to enjoy that as much as I can.
That said, while I've been well physically, I have not been doing that great mentally. Ever since I decided to angle for that promotion/raise on Monday, I've been grappling with my realization that I just Can't with writing right now. Some of it is unavoidable grief -- of a dream delayed if not gone, it feels the same -- and some of it is guilt -- I have so much to be grateful for, and which I truly am grateful for -- and some of it is jealousy.
I talked some of it out with Dr Lady, at least voicing all the regret and grief and pain that I've been feeling these past months (years?). Realizing that trunking that book last spring really did a number on me, and even though I cranked out a book over the summer (mostly out of spite), none of it is good enough to claw my way back into publishing.
Even though neither of us have any solutions, it helped to let it out. Her career has always taken precedence over mine, and I chose that when I chose her, but gosh it just... it hurts sometimes. But that's not her fault. That's society's and how we value some things much more highly than others, despite our demand/need for both.
All I can really do is focus on the good for now. And there is so much good. Weirdly, because Dr Lady was sick most of the week, she stayed home, which meant I could avail myself of the car to pick the kids up early each day. And that was lovely--I got to spend more time with both of them without rushing to get them fed, watered, to Taekwondo or bed. Since it's cooling down, they've both played outside for a bit each evening, CG practicing with her new scooter and Toddler being... well, Toddler.
I love the non-summer months in FL, especially up her in North Florida. I love that come October, we can start enjoying being outside again. And it's just going to get nicer over the next few months, so I'm going to enjoy that as much as I can.
