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Mar. 20th, 2015
We had a ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
pennywhistle all weekend, which was amaaazing. You know how you can have all kinds of friends and they're all wonderful in their own way and fit just so and then one leaves and you have this weird emptiness that you never knew you'd had before meeting that friend to begin with? Yeah.
ministerofgrace had that effect when she visited, too. You know you have a really good friend when you can just pick up where you've left off.
But now the weekend is (very) over and I'm trying to look forward to the things on the horizon. I've got my first therapist appointment next week. Lady's (hopefully) got her dissertation in April. Getting this final draft done and to the betas in the coming weeks. Family in May. Lady's conference and Switzerland (!!) in June. I can't really see beyond that at this point, but that's okay.
I need all those sure things to look forward to. TTC has chewed up the rest of my emotional energy. After a year (a year already??) of it, we're moving onto the next step, which is hooking up with a doctor and seeing what - if anything - they can do. I made an appt with one doctor for two weeks from now and it was both really hard and really easy.
I really never expected it to take this long or be this hard. It's more than a little frustrating because on the outside, it seems like such a simple, easy thing - acquire sperm! get pregnant! - but it's fraught with an incredible amount of hourly and daily and weekly wondering and questioning and testing that after a long enough time takes its toll.
And after a certain amount of time you start to wonder what's wrong with you, or what you're doing wrong. You analyze everything and get unhelpful questions like you do know where it goes right? Okay, maybe that one is mostly in my head. My brain keeps going stupid lesbians, you don't know how this works even though I can rattle off everything there possibly is to know about hormones and timing.
Basically, with most things you can try and fail and you can learn from your mistakes - but not with TTC. But that doesn't mean we don't approach it that way, and I think that's the most detrimental part of all: that we believe it's our own failing, in some inexorable and definitely stupid way, that's causing this.
And I hate feeling like a failure.
pennywhistle all weekend, which was amaaazing. You know how you can have all kinds of friends and they're all wonderful in their own way and fit just so and then one leaves and you have this weird emptiness that you never knew you'd had before meeting that friend to begin with? Yeah. ministerofgrace had that effect when she visited, too. You know you have a really good friend when you can just pick up where you've left off.But now the weekend is (very) over and I'm trying to look forward to the things on the horizon. I've got my first therapist appointment next week. Lady's (hopefully) got her dissertation in April. Getting this final draft done and to the betas in the coming weeks. Family in May. Lady's conference and Switzerland (!!) in June. I can't really see beyond that at this point, but that's okay.
I need all those sure things to look forward to. TTC has chewed up the rest of my emotional energy. After a year (a year already??) of it, we're moving onto the next step, which is hooking up with a doctor and seeing what - if anything - they can do. I made an appt with one doctor for two weeks from now and it was both really hard and really easy.
I really never expected it to take this long or be this hard. It's more than a little frustrating because on the outside, it seems like such a simple, easy thing - acquire sperm! get pregnant! - but it's fraught with an incredible amount of hourly and daily and weekly wondering and questioning and testing that after a long enough time takes its toll.
And after a certain amount of time you start to wonder what's wrong with you, or what you're doing wrong. You analyze everything and get unhelpful questions like you do know where it goes right? Okay, maybe that one is mostly in my head. My brain keeps going stupid lesbians, you don't know how this works even though I can rattle off everything there possibly is to know about hormones and timing.
Basically, with most things you can try and fail and you can learn from your mistakes - but not with TTC. But that doesn't mean we don't approach it that way, and I think that's the most detrimental part of all: that we believe it's our own failing, in some inexorable and definitely stupid way, that's causing this.
And I hate feeling like a failure.