Babies

I'm terrified of children. I've avowed this sentiment in a myriad of ways over the years, going through all the fashionable attitudes towards kids from dislike (verging on hatred, at times), to terror, to disdain, to ew-I-don't-want-to-touch-that-snot-covered-thing. Like any good -phobe, though, my reactions were not always in strict alliance with my real thoughts, because it's much easier to use the shorthand in a response than to peel away what exactly it is about kids that makes me back up and wave my hands as if fending off an oncoming mountain lion attack.

Part of it was, of course, that rebellious streak that most girls go through when they're young and well-meaning adults (or not-so-well-meaning peers) ask them if they want to have kids and how many and the assumption is always a yes and two point seven please. Then when you inevitably answer no kids and I really mean no, the adult makes some sort of snide remark about well, wait until your hormones kick in. And you know, you have the exact reaction to that statement as you do to your mom when you're just about to clean your room and she tells you to clean your room. That is, you immediately dig in your heels and say no, never, not gonna happen.

It's, of course, a childish knee-jerk reaction that I'm trying to work past on many fronts, because then my sheer stubbornness ends up defining me much more than it should. And I am pretty damn stubborn. As my own mother will attest to at length if you so much as mention it.

Along with rethinking a lot of things (that vegetarian post really is almost written, I swear), I've tried multiple times to focus on how exactly I feel about kids and their (im)possible part in my future, but I keep running up against that same stubbornness. That, and, Lady really doesn't want to have them. So I end up just saying, okay, never going to happen anyway, so why should I evaluate it. Why am I evaluating it? I was freed of the assumed burden once it got out that I am gay - people's assumptions went a complete 180 from yes, of course you'll someday have kids to oh, well, I guess not then.

So, strangely, being gay has given me a freedom to assess kids and having them which being straight never really allowed. I can't accidentally have kids and a lot of people would prefer I don't even adopt. If we ever do, Lady and I both will have thought very hard about it, saved tons of money, and cut a space out of our lives before even embarking on whatever arduous and lengthy process is best.

No doubt, I'm still terrified of kids. But that terror has shifted now that I'm a little more honest with myself. I've gone from thinking of kids as a way to force someone to share your beliefs and morals (a tiny social experiment) to more like those little eggs you get for a dollar and let sit in water for a few days, waiting to see what emerges. You never know what you're going to get, and you can influence it as much as you want with water temp or food dye, but if it's going to hatch a duck, it's going to be a duck and there's nothing you can do about it. And you love that fucking duck. Or even if it's a dinosaur. Okay, maybe I'm extending this metaphor too far.

In short, maybe kids aren't so bad. Maybe they're really worth the time and money investment and evaluating them in the economic sense is actually the wrong way to go about it. Maybe someday I'll end up having kids. And they'll have awesome names and painted toes and get to throw paint at the wall or run around in storms, as long as they finish their homework.

Or maybe you should forget I said all that and believe me when I say I hate kids and will never, ever, have any.