Winter Solstice
Dec. 21st, 2024 02:12 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
spryngI signed my time card and turned off my work computer. I didn't finish my project, but that's that until the New Year, pretty much. I tried despite being sick af and having a toddler home all week, but even god can't perform miracles when she can't breathe.
Today is the winter solstice and today I am practicing letting go and starting anew. I've got just shy of two weeks to reflect and plan for the new year, to churn through and process what 2024 was and prepare for 2025.
And... it's really hard not to feel defeated. It's been several years now where things are supposed to be different, I'm supposed to make a triumphant return, and instead I just feel like I've fallen further behind. A complete lack of any sense of accomplishment, only a yawning hole of what I'm missing. IDK, I'm also writing this 3 weeks into a cold when it's been hard to do much and I haven't even exercised in a week, so I'm already in a pessimistic frame of mind.
Maybe I should focus on what I have accomplished this year?
- while technically last year, I did send a finished WIP to my agent and heard back from her in 2024
- realized that she was steering me wrong and our relationship was doing me far more bad than good, so decided to part ways with her
- started a new WIP in May that is just nonsense and has been a lot of fun to work on
- PR'ed several lifts (DL & squat & bench)
- was not only consistent with going to Crossfit, but let myself take breaks when I needed to
- ran my fastest 5k in like, a year
- focused on dayjob and actually got a promotion for all the extra work I put in
- joined a writer's group and got them to start doing regular write-ins
- actually might have made some friends in the writer's group??
- I wrote 70k of that WIP before stopping, now I'm *checks Scrivener* 60k into the revision? Oh dang. That's 130k this year on that project alone. Okay. Not bad, not bad.
- Also worked on catacombs!WIP a little more, even had some writer friends read it and give me feedback. Specifically asked about the things ex-agent didn't like about it and they were all flabberghasted. And I got closer to figuring out exactly what the issue *is* that's causing me to revise/revise/revise without actually fixing anything.
- After my dr advised I start taking iron supplements, I went almost 3 months without having a mysterious fever or getting sick 🎉
- I got my kiddo to school on time every single fucking day
- Also she turned her homework in on time every week 🎉
- Organized and took family on a summer holiday along the coast
- Organized and took family to DC (by train!) for grandmum's funeral
- Kept putting myself out there and attending new events, even if none of them stuck (aside from the writing group)
- attended a local play
- learned how to make choux and macarons
- re-organized Toddler's room
- yeeted my gallbladder
- finished the 2024 Queer SFF Books list before the end of the year
- got back to reading regularly, somehow read 14 books in just a few months (seriously, this is a big achievement -- I'd been stuck at reading maybe 12 books in a year)
- prioritized time with kiddos so I didn't feel like I was ever choosing something else over them
- started to see some of the person I was before kids come back - the foodie, the adventurer, even the photographer
I got interrupted by Toddler. He was up at 6.30am for the first time since he got sick, so even though I'd have liked more time to myself, I'm also glad he's feeling better. Gives me hope that I'll be feeling better soon, too.
Today is the winter solstice and today I am practicing letting go and starting anew. I've got just shy of two weeks to reflect and plan for the new year, to churn through and process what 2024 was and prepare for 2025.
And... it's really hard not to feel defeated. It's been several years now where things are supposed to be different, I'm supposed to make a triumphant return, and instead I just feel like I've fallen further behind. A complete lack of any sense of accomplishment, only a yawning hole of what I'm missing. IDK, I'm also writing this 3 weeks into a cold when it's been hard to do much and I haven't even exercised in a week, so I'm already in a pessimistic frame of mind.
Maybe I should focus on what I have accomplished this year?
- while technically last year, I did send a finished WIP to my agent and heard back from her in 2024
- realized that she was steering me wrong and our relationship was doing me far more bad than good, so decided to part ways with her
- started a new WIP in May that is just nonsense and has been a lot of fun to work on
- PR'ed several lifts (DL & squat & bench)
- was not only consistent with going to Crossfit, but let myself take breaks when I needed to
- ran my fastest 5k in like, a year
- focused on dayjob and actually got a promotion for all the extra work I put in
- joined a writer's group and got them to start doing regular write-ins
- actually might have made some friends in the writer's group??
- I wrote 70k of that WIP before stopping, now I'm *checks Scrivener* 60k into the revision? Oh dang. That's 130k this year on that project alone. Okay. Not bad, not bad.
- Also worked on catacombs!WIP a little more, even had some writer friends read it and give me feedback. Specifically asked about the things ex-agent didn't like about it and they were all flabberghasted. And I got closer to figuring out exactly what the issue *is* that's causing me to revise/revise/revise without actually fixing anything.
- After my dr advised I start taking iron supplements, I went almost 3 months without having a mysterious fever or getting sick 🎉
- I got my kiddo to school on time every single fucking day
- Also she turned her homework in on time every week 🎉
- Organized and took family on a summer holiday along the coast
- Organized and took family to DC (by train!) for grandmum's funeral
- Kept putting myself out there and attending new events, even if none of them stuck (aside from the writing group)
- attended a local play
- learned how to make choux and macarons
- re-organized Toddler's room
- yeeted my gallbladder
- finished the 2024 Queer SFF Books list before the end of the year
- got back to reading regularly, somehow read 14 books in just a few months (seriously, this is a big achievement -- I'd been stuck at reading maybe 12 books in a year)
- prioritized time with kiddos so I didn't feel like I was ever choosing something else over them
- started to see some of the person I was before kids come back - the foodie, the adventurer, even the photographer
I got interrupted by Toddler. He was up at 6.30am for the first time since he got sick, so even though I'd have liked more time to myself, I'm also glad he's feeling better. Gives me hope that I'll be feeling better soon, too.
