Community

[spryng]

Taking time away from the glitz and facades of twitter was a good idea. It's given me space and helped me realize the root of my problem. Because it's not jealousy, as I originally feared. Jealousy was just the symptom. At the heart, it's really loneliness.

I thought I was jealous of all the success other people were having, which was ridiculous because past me would be super effing jealous of present me. So I just felt super guilty about all these bad feelings I was having. And then I realized - I wasn't jealous of their success. I was jealous of the community they had, the friends that screamed happily with and for them, the long twisting conversations they'd publicly have.

My week in Tucson really helped me understand this because I saw friends frequently and never once felt the urge to check social media. But as soon as I got back to Michigan, the urge returned. Less strong than before, granted, but it was there. I am, truly, an extrovert at heart and working alone at home is not going to work for me in the long term.

I know there are coworking spaces that one can rent, but - aaah, maybe that needs to wait for when we're not dropping 10k a year on daycare. A number that is not remotely an exaggeration because I just did my taxes and had to crunch the numbers several times before realizing it was real. Holy shit no wonder we have no money.

So renting coworking space is not a feasible option right now. Punching class is helping, but I can't stay until 9pm or later when everyone leaves/socializes. Another, local writer has reached out to me and I have some hopes there. Plus, our neighborhood has a monthly meeting that they finally moved to a time I can attend. So. More hope.

Just. Yeah. I knew working from home would be hard, but I hadn't realized how hard. I truly enjoyed being in the office and being around people while we were in Tucson, a fact I more fully realized when my other coworker, who had been out of the office due to a climbing incident, complained about having to be back in the office.

I know working in the office has its own share of problems, especially adding in a commute and a baby. But then again, working at home - on very busy days I feel guilty I didn't get any housework done. Or I end up using my lunch break to vacuum/cook/what have you. Which is certainly helpful, but then I don't actually take a break. Like legit, Tuesday and Wednesday I didn't leave the house except to drop the baby off and pick her up.

I don't know what the solution is in the short term. I've found some FB groups that seem to do a better job of facilitating conversation and community than Twitter, and that's helping a little. But nothing will really sub for Actual Human Interaction.

And maybe that's okay, for now. Maybe all I needed was to realize that I'm not a Terrible Human Being (TM) and that at the heart of it all, I just need a community. Because now, maybe, I can start working on ways to build that, instead of wondering how I can be so exceedingly ungrateful.

Comments

[jadesymb]

Oh I so feel you.
Working from home all the time is not something I could do, especially not while taking care of children.
SAHM is also NOT my wheelhouse.

Lots of hugs, and kudos to you for figuring out what it is and even if you can't fix it today, completely, working towards it and reaching out.

[dreamsrundeep]

Daycare costs are no joke. I heard a story on NPR once about the poverty line was calculated in the 50s to determine guidelines to a then-new-program called "Welfare". In the 50s, the major expense for a family (with one working parent) was food cost. There were more calculations that took other things into account, but the majority of American Family Spend was sustenance. And the poverty line has been based on that ever since. When in reality, food costs have fallen steeply since then and if you were to look at the major spends in the American Family NOW, Childcare is tops. If we were to recalculate the poverty line based on that income/spend update, more people would qualify as below the poverty line. But of course, the calculation is so embedded in government algorithms that a recalculation is impossible without disassembling the entire system... and therefore we die of Childcare Costs. SIGH.

We were always really lucky in that we had people we knew that ran in-home daycares that were willing to give us a steep break since we had two infants/babies at the same time, but it was still staggering. Putting them in public kindergarten was for our survival! (and it felt like we got a hell of a raise)

You are TOTALLY not a terrible human! And I'm glad you can take some steps to build community where you are. As an introvert, that very thought makes me twitchy ;) But as an introvert-married-to-an-extrovert, I cannot imagine my wife working at home. She'd feel the same way.

[colonelsandgeeks]

Humans are, at nature, a social animal so it makes perfect sense that you're missing having people around you, especially if you're used to being part of a community. I'm sorry you're having a hard time adjusting and I hope you are able to find a solution that works for you and yours