2015 Year in Review
Dec. 27th, 2015 05:35 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
spryngThere's chili (nightshade-free) cooking on the stove and a cat watching the bubbles in my fizzy water intently. I'm wearing a toasty warm scarf and a dress and an apron and sitting at our dining room table.
I've been feeling contemplative these past few days, finally allowing myself to look back at this past year. I've been hesitant this time around because every time I've thought back, all I could think about were the bad bits. The depression, the failures at TTC, the anxiety, the PCOS diagnosis, the deaths. This year could easily have been one of my darkest in decades.
But there was some happiness in there, too, some joy and light. Now that I've allowed myself to actually look back, past all those icky inky dark times, I can see that I managed a lot. I survived a lot. I don't yet know if I'm stronger for it, but I don't think I'm broken, either.
On that happy, uplifting note:
1. What did you do in 2015 that you'd never done before?
Wrote a novella.
Wrote a YA novel.
Cut over 10k words from a novel.
Signed with an agent.
Got a tattoo.
Visited Geneva and France.
Spoke French - and was understood!
Hiked Molino Basin
Hiked through a thunderstorm.
Deadlifted 235#
Acquired a "smart" phone.
Quit my job solely because I hated it.
Had pneumonia.
Went trail running.
Bought make-up.
2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I went with desires this year - creativity, accomplishment, and health - and I think I stuck with them pretty well. I wrote consistently, I met my goals (eventually), and I have maintained my strength and health despite a lot of hurdles.
My only goals for next year are to read and write more.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My sister-in-law had a second baby. An old friend from my first job had a baby. A handful of friends in the TTC world had kids. It's been hard to watch.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
My grandmother fell into a coma on New Year's day and died two weeks later. My friend's father died in August. I wasn't close to him, but I've been trying to help my friend out as best as I can.
5. What countries did you visit?
Switzerland and France. Geneva and then Lyon and Dijon. I kind of really like France now. :)
6. What would you like to have in 2016 that you lacked in 2015?
An end to all this waiting. I'm tired of waiting for TTC and I'm tired of waiting to see where we're going to end up. Also some basic emotional stability would be nice.
7. What date from 2015 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
January 1st. The snow in the morning, then the call from mom about grandma.
July 17. My last day at that awful office.
July 19. Offer of representation from my agent.
September 17. The day we found out we weren't going to France in November. The day I realized I would have a fever for-ev-er.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Reaching out for help. First therapy, then letting my friends know what was going on.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Letting the depression get so bad before I sought help.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Pneumonia. :) And a fuck ton of mental illness.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
Tickets to Geneva.
12. How did you earn your keep?
County job until July, then nothing, now as a customer support and web design-person.
13. Where did most of your money go?
Food. Plane tickets. Clothes. I realized a lot of my clothes were raggedy and no longer fit, so I had to do a major wardrobe overhaul.
14. What was your best month?
July. Those two weeks before I quit I was finally so happy, and then the two weeks afterwards I was just coasting. I hiked and I saw friends and I got busy working on edits and I got an agent and we had good news about France and and and
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Motherfucking offer of representation!! Or rather: The Call. I think I hyperventilated, I was so excited/nervous.
16. What song will always remind you of 2015?
Wait for It from the Hamilton soundtrack and Jet Pack Blues by Fallout Boy
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? Sadder.
ii. thinner or fatter? About the same?
iii. richer or poorer? Richer. My new job pays slightly more, Lady makes more now as a PhD, and leaving the county meant I could get the retirement money they'd been forcibly taking from me. I guess it was mine all along, but I never trusted them with it.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Written more. Read more. Tried to make new friends.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Waiting. Distrusting my intuition.
20. What steps will you take to actively change what you're unhappy with?
I'm going to stop hesitating so much. My intuition is almost always right, but I never trust it without researching and analyzing and then waiting. I need to be more impulsive.
22. What's something you learned about yourself?
As much as I might wish it were true, I am not an emotionless pile of rocks. I don't always have control over my emotions, and they can be very terrifying. But fuck if I'm not willing to try changing EVERYTHING to make things better.
23. What's the one thing you thought you would never do but did in 2015?
Get a tattoo! :D Quit a job without having another one lined up. (Willingly) speak French. Go to a fertility specialist.
24. What was your favorite TV program (not Doctor Who!)?
Aside from Hannibal: Leverage!! It's so good ;.;
25. Did you know anybody who got married?
The old friend from my first job who just had a baby.
26. What states did you visit in 2015?
Minnesota. That was about it, yeah.
27. Where were you when 2015 began?
At our apartment, with friends and champagne. Snow began falling around 11pm and we ran out in it and marveled as the year clicked over. It was beautiful.
28. Who were you with?
Sharon and Doug and Lora. Lady was technically there, but sick and asleep in bed.
29. Where will you be when 2015 ends?
At Doug's house this time, with her beau and probably Lora and a bunch of their friends. No snow in the forecast, though.
30. Who will you be with when 2015 ends?
Bah. I keep answering this ahead of time.
31. What was the best book you read?
the Fifth Season by NK Jemisin was really good, in the fiction category and
the Next Happy by Tracey Cleantis was a hard read that I absolutely needed at that moment, in non-fiction
32. What was your greatest musical discovery?
HAMILTON!!!
33. What did you want and get?
An agent ;.;
Answers as to why TTC wasn't working for us.
A new job.
34. What did you want and not get?
Pregnant.
250# deadlift.
An idea of what our relatively immediate future will be.
35. What was your favorite film of this year?
Mad Max!! So good.
36. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 29 and we went to Minnesota to visit her family. On that specific day, Lady took me to the Minnesota State Fair and we ate the best donuts ever and watched sheep herding.
37. Where did you go on vacation?
Again: Geneva. Minnesota. Seattle. And Flagstaff just last week.
38. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2015?
Skirt + blouse 9/10s of the year, but winter this year has been a mix of flannel in large, fluffy sweaters. I also acquired jeans for the first time since, uh, middle school and found a dress with a pencil skirt that actually looks good. So I guess the biggest fashion change this year was no longer feeling like I have to hide the shape of my tree-trunk legs.
39. What kept you sane?
Blogging. Alcohol. Writing. Hiking. Running. Crying. My wife's willingness to just let me exist and not do anything.
40. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Meh. I should change this question, but I can't think of anything to change it to.
41. What political issue stirred you the most?
FUCK YOU TRUMP
BERNIE SANDERS 2016!!
42. Did you have to go to the hospital?
No.
43. How many concerts did you see in 2015?
We saw Welcome to Nightvale, but no concerty concerts.
44. Did you have a favorite concert in 2015?
Another question to change.
45. Who was the best new person you met?
My new niece, Eleanor <3
46. Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year?
Thankfully, I didn't *do* anything, although I had a lot of terrible thoughts.
47. What was your most embarrassing moment of 2015?
IDK. I tend not to have any morbidly embarrassing things happen to me. Nothing that I obsess over, anyway.
48. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2015:
Sometimes you can have everything you want and still be depressed. Then it's worse because you feel super guilty for being sad. And your reasons for depression are all small and stupid, because it's actually chemical, so you can't even talk about it.
Also, fucking trust your intuition. Jesus christ. It wasn't flu and you do have legit fertility problems and YES for fuck's SAKE, LEAVE THAT JOB THAT'S SUCKING YOUR SOUL.
49. What are your plans for 2016?
I want more than survival, but we'll just have to see.
Right now, the only concrete plans we have are to be in Virginia in July for a friend's wedding. I am not making any other plans until we know about France in February.
50. Quote something that sums up your year:
“I am the one thing in life I can control.”
― Hamilton
I've been feeling contemplative these past few days, finally allowing myself to look back at this past year. I've been hesitant this time around because every time I've thought back, all I could think about were the bad bits. The depression, the failures at TTC, the anxiety, the PCOS diagnosis, the deaths. This year could easily have been one of my darkest in decades.
But there was some happiness in there, too, some joy and light. Now that I've allowed myself to actually look back, past all those icky inky dark times, I can see that I managed a lot. I survived a lot. I don't yet know if I'm stronger for it, but I don't think I'm broken, either.
On that happy, uplifting note:
1. What did you do in 2015 that you'd never done before?
Wrote a novella.
Wrote a YA novel.
Cut over 10k words from a novel.
Signed with an agent.
Got a tattoo.
Visited Geneva and France.
Spoke French - and was understood!
Hiked Molino Basin
Hiked through a thunderstorm.
Deadlifted 235#
Acquired a "smart" phone.
Quit my job solely because I hated it.
Had pneumonia.
Went trail running.
Bought make-up.
2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I went with desires this year - creativity, accomplishment, and health - and I think I stuck with them pretty well. I wrote consistently, I met my goals (eventually), and I have maintained my strength and health despite a lot of hurdles.
My only goals for next year are to read and write more.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My sister-in-law had a second baby. An old friend from my first job had a baby. A handful of friends in the TTC world had kids. It's been hard to watch.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
My grandmother fell into a coma on New Year's day and died two weeks later. My friend's father died in August. I wasn't close to him, but I've been trying to help my friend out as best as I can.
5. What countries did you visit?
Switzerland and France. Geneva and then Lyon and Dijon. I kind of really like France now. :)
6. What would you like to have in 2016 that you lacked in 2015?
An end to all this waiting. I'm tired of waiting for TTC and I'm tired of waiting to see where we're going to end up. Also some basic emotional stability would be nice.
7. What date from 2015 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
January 1st. The snow in the morning, then the call from mom about grandma.
July 17. My last day at that awful office.
July 19. Offer of representation from my agent.
September 17. The day we found out we weren't going to France in November. The day I realized I would have a fever for-ev-er.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Reaching out for help. First therapy, then letting my friends know what was going on.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Letting the depression get so bad before I sought help.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Pneumonia. :) And a fuck ton of mental illness.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
Tickets to Geneva.
12. How did you earn your keep?
County job until July, then nothing, now as a customer support and web design-person.
13. Where did most of your money go?
Food. Plane tickets. Clothes. I realized a lot of my clothes were raggedy and no longer fit, so I had to do a major wardrobe overhaul.
14. What was your best month?
July. Those two weeks before I quit I was finally so happy, and then the two weeks afterwards I was just coasting. I hiked and I saw friends and I got busy working on edits and I got an agent and we had good news about France and and and
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Motherfucking offer of representation!! Or rather: The Call. I think I hyperventilated, I was so excited/nervous.
16. What song will always remind you of 2015?
Wait for It from the Hamilton soundtrack and Jet Pack Blues by Fallout Boy
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? Sadder.
ii. thinner or fatter? About the same?
iii. richer or poorer? Richer. My new job pays slightly more, Lady makes more now as a PhD, and leaving the county meant I could get the retirement money they'd been forcibly taking from me. I guess it was mine all along, but I never trusted them with it.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Written more. Read more. Tried to make new friends.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Waiting. Distrusting my intuition.
20. What steps will you take to actively change what you're unhappy with?
I'm going to stop hesitating so much. My intuition is almost always right, but I never trust it without researching and analyzing and then waiting. I need to be more impulsive.
22. What's something you learned about yourself?
As much as I might wish it were true, I am not an emotionless pile of rocks. I don't always have control over my emotions, and they can be very terrifying. But fuck if I'm not willing to try changing EVERYTHING to make things better.
23. What's the one thing you thought you would never do but did in 2015?
Get a tattoo! :D Quit a job without having another one lined up. (Willingly) speak French. Go to a fertility specialist.
24. What was your favorite TV program (not Doctor Who!)?
Aside from Hannibal: Leverage!! It's so good ;.;
25. Did you know anybody who got married?
The old friend from my first job who just had a baby.
26. What states did you visit in 2015?
Minnesota. That was about it, yeah.
27. Where were you when 2015 began?
At our apartment, with friends and champagne. Snow began falling around 11pm and we ran out in it and marveled as the year clicked over. It was beautiful.
28. Who were you with?
Sharon and Doug and Lora. Lady was technically there, but sick and asleep in bed.
29. Where will you be when 2015 ends?
At Doug's house this time, with her beau and probably Lora and a bunch of their friends. No snow in the forecast, though.
30. Who will you be with when 2015 ends?
Bah. I keep answering this ahead of time.
31. What was the best book you read?
the Fifth Season by NK Jemisin was really good, in the fiction category and
the Next Happy by Tracey Cleantis was a hard read that I absolutely needed at that moment, in non-fiction
32. What was your greatest musical discovery?
HAMILTON!!!
33. What did you want and get?
An agent ;.;
Answers as to why TTC wasn't working for us.
A new job.
34. What did you want and not get?
Pregnant.
250# deadlift.
An idea of what our relatively immediate future will be.
35. What was your favorite film of this year?
Mad Max!! So good.
36. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 29 and we went to Minnesota to visit her family. On that specific day, Lady took me to the Minnesota State Fair and we ate the best donuts ever and watched sheep herding.
37. Where did you go on vacation?
Again: Geneva. Minnesota. Seattle. And Flagstaff just last week.
38. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2015?
Skirt + blouse 9/10s of the year, but winter this year has been a mix of flannel in large, fluffy sweaters. I also acquired jeans for the first time since, uh, middle school and found a dress with a pencil skirt that actually looks good. So I guess the biggest fashion change this year was no longer feeling like I have to hide the shape of my tree-trunk legs.
39. What kept you sane?
Blogging. Alcohol. Writing. Hiking. Running. Crying. My wife's willingness to just let me exist and not do anything.
40. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Meh. I should change this question, but I can't think of anything to change it to.
41. What political issue stirred you the most?
FUCK YOU TRUMP
BERNIE SANDERS 2016!!
42. Did you have to go to the hospital?
No.
43. How many concerts did you see in 2015?
We saw Welcome to Nightvale, but no concerty concerts.
44. Did you have a favorite concert in 2015?
Another question to change.
45. Who was the best new person you met?
My new niece, Eleanor <3
46. Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year?
Thankfully, I didn't *do* anything, although I had a lot of terrible thoughts.
47. What was your most embarrassing moment of 2015?
IDK. I tend not to have any morbidly embarrassing things happen to me. Nothing that I obsess over, anyway.
48. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2015:
Sometimes you can have everything you want and still be depressed. Then it's worse because you feel super guilty for being sad. And your reasons for depression are all small and stupid, because it's actually chemical, so you can't even talk about it.
Also, fucking trust your intuition. Jesus christ. It wasn't flu and you do have legit fertility problems and YES for fuck's SAKE, LEAVE THAT JOB THAT'S SUCKING YOUR SOUL.
49. What are your plans for 2016?
I want more than survival, but we'll just have to see.
Right now, the only concrete plans we have are to be in Virginia in July for a friend's wedding. I am not making any other plans until we know about France in February.
50. Quote something that sums up your year:
“I am the one thing in life I can control.”
― Hamilton
