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Feb. 15th, 2011 09:42 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
spryngDay 22 - How have you changed in the past 2 years
Two years ago I was just beginning to take photos. I think it was the journey out to Seattle which really set me off, realizing that even snapping as "many" (I thought 20+ was "many" at the time) as I did along the way, out of the moving car window with my tiny little 2002 point & shoot, that it wasn't enough to truly document that epic of a journey. FL to Seattle, man. SE to NW, all the way across the entire fucking United States. Swamp to marsh to lowlands to dense greenness to hills to farm lands and corn and corn and more corn (oh, IL), to the picturesque WI, to flatlands and farmlands once more, to green as far as the eye can see, to sudden badlands, to empty, barren expanses, to the Rockies, to the Fucking Rockies, to Real mountains, to evergreens, to desert, to more Real mountains and a volcano you can see on the other side of the state, to rain and clouds and delicious coffee. I hadn't captured it sufficiently.
So I stole Lady's slightly-better p&s, and I failed again in capturing Snowpocalypse 2008 (the Snowpocalypse which spawned the successive Snowpocalypses of 2009 and 2010, btw).
But it wasn't until June and![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
kylecassidy's the Hive project that I caved and bought a dSLR.
So two years ago, I didn't own a dSLR. But I knew I wanted to do something with photos, and I was taking them and realizing something was fundamentally flawed with the contraption I was using.
Two years ago I also received my first (and only) grad school rejection letter. It was a low blow, but not as low as the criticism I'd received beforehand from my undergrad Greek prof. The worst part - he was right. I didn't want grad school enough to pursue that path - I just didn't know what else to do with myself. Don't get me wrong, I still desperately love Classics, languages, and everything associated therewith. But I also couldn't kid myself into thinking I'd enjoy being a professor.
Two years ago I was also horribly depressed. It was my first real winter and I had just discovered that coffee was giving me panic attacks and all I could drink was tea and for all my life I'd loathed tea. If I forgot and had coffee, I would be forced to shake and huddle on the floor crying, convinced I was about to die. Sometimes even without coffee, for absolutely no discernible reason at all. I was having constant work-induced nightmares, and had just found out about grandpa's new, inoperable, brain tumor. Lady couldn't find a job, money was tight, and neither of us had friends in the area.
But at the same time, spring was happening. And in Seattle, spring happens in earnest and just keeps happening. There were snowdrops and tulips and daffodils, so many daffodils. I was actually writing (editing!) and the sun was peaking out on occasion and I was truly learning to enjoy that.
I learned a lot from that experience. My two years in Seattle were both wonderful, but painful. I realized I could be awesome on my own if I just put in the effort, realized that sometimes change is a necessary catalyst, realized that sometimes our dreams can be left unrealized. I learned that sometimes to make friends (especially in "cold" Seattle), you had to make the initiative, and keep making it. I learned that rain is not an excuse.
So in short, today vs two years ago? I'm more grateful, if possible. I'm happier. I'm luckier. I'm trying more and more to live the life I preach - be kind, be sympathetic, don't be that asshole, realize that sometimes you're someone else's 151st monkey - and realize at the same time that yeah, sometimes it's hard. Sometimes it's fucking hard. Sometimes it's fucking scary. But it's hard and scary for everyone, if not harder and scarier. And you gotta go, you gotta do and create.
And sometimes you gotta fail.
Day 23 - Talk about the five most interesting people you know personally or about.
Day 24 - Your favorite movie and what it's about
Day 25 - Someone who fascinates you and why
Day 26 - What kind of person attracts you
Day 27 - A problem that you have had
Day 28 - Something that you miss
Day 29 - Goals for the next 30 days
Day 30 - Your highs and lows of this month
Two years ago I was just beginning to take photos. I think it was the journey out to Seattle which really set me off, realizing that even snapping as "many" (I thought 20+ was "many" at the time) as I did along the way, out of the moving car window with my tiny little 2002 point & shoot, that it wasn't enough to truly document that epic of a journey. FL to Seattle, man. SE to NW, all the way across the entire fucking United States. Swamp to marsh to lowlands to dense greenness to hills to farm lands and corn and corn and more corn (oh, IL), to the picturesque WI, to flatlands and farmlands once more, to green as far as the eye can see, to sudden badlands, to empty, barren expanses, to the Rockies, to the Fucking Rockies, to Real mountains, to evergreens, to desert, to more Real mountains and a volcano you can see on the other side of the state, to rain and clouds and delicious coffee. I hadn't captured it sufficiently.
So I stole Lady's slightly-better p&s, and I failed again in capturing Snowpocalypse 2008 (the Snowpocalypse which spawned the successive Snowpocalypses of 2009 and 2010, btw).
But it wasn't until June and
kylecassidy's the Hive project that I caved and bought a dSLR.So two years ago, I didn't own a dSLR. But I knew I wanted to do something with photos, and I was taking them and realizing something was fundamentally flawed with the contraption I was using.
Two years ago I also received my first (and only) grad school rejection letter. It was a low blow, but not as low as the criticism I'd received beforehand from my undergrad Greek prof. The worst part - he was right. I didn't want grad school enough to pursue that path - I just didn't know what else to do with myself. Don't get me wrong, I still desperately love Classics, languages, and everything associated therewith. But I also couldn't kid myself into thinking I'd enjoy being a professor.
Two years ago I was also horribly depressed. It was my first real winter and I had just discovered that coffee was giving me panic attacks and all I could drink was tea and for all my life I'd loathed tea. If I forgot and had coffee, I would be forced to shake and huddle on the floor crying, convinced I was about to die. Sometimes even without coffee, for absolutely no discernible reason at all. I was having constant work-induced nightmares, and had just found out about grandpa's new, inoperable, brain tumor. Lady couldn't find a job, money was tight, and neither of us had friends in the area.
But at the same time, spring was happening. And in Seattle, spring happens in earnest and just keeps happening. There were snowdrops and tulips and daffodils, so many daffodils. I was actually writing (editing!) and the sun was peaking out on occasion and I was truly learning to enjoy that.
I learned a lot from that experience. My two years in Seattle were both wonderful, but painful. I realized I could be awesome on my own if I just put in the effort, realized that sometimes change is a necessary catalyst, realized that sometimes our dreams can be left unrealized. I learned that sometimes to make friends (especially in "cold" Seattle), you had to make the initiative, and keep making it. I learned that rain is not an excuse.
So in short, today vs two years ago? I'm more grateful, if possible. I'm happier. I'm luckier. I'm trying more and more to live the life I preach - be kind, be sympathetic, don't be that asshole, realize that sometimes you're someone else's 151st monkey - and realize at the same time that yeah, sometimes it's hard. Sometimes it's fucking hard. Sometimes it's fucking scary. But it's hard and scary for everyone, if not harder and scarier. And you gotta go, you gotta do and create.
And sometimes you gotta fail.
Day 23 - Talk about the five most interesting people you know personally or about.
Day 24 - Your favorite movie and what it's about
Day 25 - Someone who fascinates you and why
Day 26 - What kind of person attracts you
Day 27 - A problem that you have had
Day 28 - Something that you miss
Day 29 - Goals for the next 30 days
Day 30 - Your highs and lows of this month
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no subject
Date: 2011-02-16 01:51 pm (UTC)I think most of us NC graduates who opted not to jump into grad school had to wrestle with a lot of identity issues.
You moved to Seattle, and I moved to Wellington, New Zealand, which is a lot like Seattle with the 4 month-blocks of wind/rain/winter--so I completely understand how that effects one disposition.
And you're absolutely right: at times, life is hard for everyone. Sometimes all you can do is keep moving, in hopes that the sun will come out eventually.
It's obvious that the big silver lining is hanging over you here. Your photography is getter better and better--and your writing is too. Sometimes it's hard for very intelligent people to come to terms with the fact (and truly accept the fact) that they are really "artists" at the end of the day. That's good news and bad news. The good news is that art and creation is awesome and the world will always be in need of it. The bad news is that life isn't nice and neat for the artist. There are no predetermined, structured paths for them to follow--no PhD program, no tenure track.
You sound in good spirits :) Thanks for sharing this.
no subject
Date: 2011-02-16 06:17 pm (UTC)Thank you - I feel like my writing has been stagnant (complete with all those Florida retention pond associations). <3
no subject
Date: 2011-02-16 07:23 pm (UTC)Don't think of Florida's retention ponds as stagnant, think of them as calm. Calmness brings clarity--that way, you can easily see the muck for what it is rather than confuse the muck for the retention pond ;)
no subject
Date: 2011-02-19 05:49 am (UTC)