spryng | Seven (Reply)

Better.

I think I'm getting to the point where the initial, near-exponential increase in skill is starting to level out. I'm reaching the first plateau that all of my artistic endeavors reach at some point, but hopefully I can maintain momentum and force my way onwards. I so very much want to become a great photographer, almost as much as I want to become a great writer. Although I never really considered myself an artistic person, I am definitely creative and that is where I now know I want to go with my life.

I think, also, that I'm finally getting over not getting into grad school. It really messed me up, in more ways than I acknowledged at the time. It messed up my immediate plans, it messed up my view of my life, and it messed up a rather over-inflated ego I'd developed. But it did a good thing; although I don't believe in a higher being or a force directing our lives for the good/better, I do believe that sometimes shit happens, but we learn and grow from that shit. Granted, it wasn't a big shit, but I've lead a very privileged life ultimately lacking in big disappointments. In short, I always get what I want with near minimal effort.

Not getting what I wanted for once despite - or rather, largely because of - the minimal effort I put in threw me well off my tracks. I've spent the last seven months swimming through uncertainty and depression and anxiety and feeling like a failure. Of course, not all the time - I am a very optimistic person and life really is wonderful. I had many good days, but the constant was definitely the uncertainty.

But now I believe I have a plan. And it seems to me to a be a good and sturdy plan that will only crumple if I let it. I will apply to schools and try to get a masters in education and certification to teach Latin. Failing that, I will enter into a photography program at a local community college. Failing that, there are studios I can probably work in and learn some of the ropes I'm aiming for. Of course, all of these can be mixed and matched; I can get a cert to teach Latin and also take photography classes at the CC. I am also tempted to apply for photography masters. And I can probably work in a studio while I go to school. Any way it falls, this seems to be a much more versatile plan than last year's "if I get into this one college grad program despite failing at the application due to sheer anxiety."

Here's to the future and more beautiful mornings.