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Apr. 17th, 2024 05:57 pmI feel like physically at least, I'm back. Woke up at 4.30am the last few mornings with no problem. Energy is back to normal, no longer feel like I'm constantly fighting against a heavy wet towel. Crossfit feels good again, biking doesn't wind me, now I just need to find some time to run.
Mentally...
I don't know. I was doing better. I'd gone to that Camp NaNo write-in and it was great. But then I went to the second one and I opened up my current project and immediately felt all the will to work on it drain from me. I found myself being profoundly negative when talking about writing with the others there and had to shut myself up. I'm not that person. Or at least, I don't want to be.
Now that I'm feeling better, I have the time to write again, but there's just... nothing there. Like a big vast ocean that I've come to and know I need to cross somehow, but I can't begin to grasp how. It would help if I knew how far the next shore is, how deep the water, how many beasties are churning beneath the waves, but all I can see is the flat open expanse and it's paralyzing. There's loads of advice on how to cross this or that ocean, this or that sea, but not even knowing the shape of it, I can't begin to apply any of that advice. All I can do is sit here, knowing I had friends once, on the other side. A whole life. Dreams.
And every time I try to walk away or ignore it, I can't. It's an ocean. It's vast. I can hear its waves. I can smell its salt. I put my toe in the cool water, maybe splash around, but I'm afraid to go any deeper lest a riptide pull me under and I drown. Or I'm simply delivered back to shore again, back to square one, but this time exhausted, dripping wet, and scared.
Mentally...
I don't know. I was doing better. I'd gone to that Camp NaNo write-in and it was great. But then I went to the second one and I opened up my current project and immediately felt all the will to work on it drain from me. I found myself being profoundly negative when talking about writing with the others there and had to shut myself up. I'm not that person. Or at least, I don't want to be.
Now that I'm feeling better, I have the time to write again, but there's just... nothing there. Like a big vast ocean that I've come to and know I need to cross somehow, but I can't begin to grasp how. It would help if I knew how far the next shore is, how deep the water, how many beasties are churning beneath the waves, but all I can see is the flat open expanse and it's paralyzing. There's loads of advice on how to cross this or that ocean, this or that sea, but not even knowing the shape of it, I can't begin to apply any of that advice. All I can do is sit here, knowing I had friends once, on the other side. A whole life. Dreams.
And every time I try to walk away or ignore it, I can't. It's an ocean. It's vast. I can hear its waves. I can smell its salt. I put my toe in the cool water, maybe splash around, but I'm afraid to go any deeper lest a riptide pull me under and I drown. Or I'm simply delivered back to shore again, back to square one, but this time exhausted, dripping wet, and scared.
