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This is the post I meant to write yesterday, before I got sick
Feeling your feelings is so overrated. I just want to find the switch that turns them all off and go numb for a while. I guess that's what I did with alcohol for a while, which is why I had to stop, even though by any definition I wasn't an "alcoholic."
And now I'm doing it with exercise. Feel down? Go for a run. Feel awful? Go for a hike. Feel like the walls are closing in and you're going to suffocate under the expectations of an unfulfilled life? Go to Crossfit.
At least exercise is a healthier alternative, but I'm still shoving all those feelings into a closet to deal with later. (Un)fortunately, later never comes and that closet is getting mighty full.
So this week, after stepping away from all the publishing pools, I tried the novel approach of just... letting myself cry. I was tempted to go for a hard bike ride, I was tempted to watch something dumb, I was tempted to do anything else, but instead I... cried.
And it... hurt. And it sucked. And I didn't really feel better. Not at first.
But then when I was falling asleep the other night, I had a thought for a story that I hadn't been able to make progress on in years. I didn't immediately dismiss it and it's still there and I kinda want to work on it. Not ever to be published, maybe not even to share with anyone, but just for fun.
So maybe this will work. Maybe feeling my shit and working through it instead of running from it can actually help. And to be extra careful, as I'm pulling back from some social areas, I've been pushing forward into others. Tomorrow is the monthly Silent Book Club Meet-up that I've already made plans with my wife so I can go and there's a local discord for NaNo that has plans for events in April. Writing- and reading-related, but not publishing.
I also decided to revisit some of my favorite books, too, instead of constantly trying to catch up with what's come out now/recently. Maybe if I act more like an actual reader, I'll get back to feeling like one.
And now I'm doing it with exercise. Feel down? Go for a run. Feel awful? Go for a hike. Feel like the walls are closing in and you're going to suffocate under the expectations of an unfulfilled life? Go to Crossfit.
At least exercise is a healthier alternative, but I'm still shoving all those feelings into a closet to deal with later. (Un)fortunately, later never comes and that closet is getting mighty full.
So this week, after stepping away from all the publishing pools, I tried the novel approach of just... letting myself cry. I was tempted to go for a hard bike ride, I was tempted to watch something dumb, I was tempted to do anything else, but instead I... cried.
And it... hurt. And it sucked. And I didn't really feel better. Not at first.
But then when I was falling asleep the other night, I had a thought for a story that I hadn't been able to make progress on in years. I didn't immediately dismiss it and it's still there and I kinda want to work on it. Not ever to be published, maybe not even to share with anyone, but just for fun.
So maybe this will work. Maybe feeling my shit and working through it instead of running from it can actually help. And to be extra careful, as I'm pulling back from some social areas, I've been pushing forward into others. Tomorrow is the monthly Silent Book Club Meet-up that I've already made plans with my wife so I can go and there's a local discord for NaNo that has plans for events in April. Writing- and reading-related, but not publishing.
I also decided to revisit some of my favorite books, too, instead of constantly trying to catch up with what's come out now/recently. Maybe if I act more like an actual reader, I'll get back to feeling like one.