spryng: (Default)
2017-09-18 02:27 pm

Procrastinating

Baby's asleep and I feel like procrastinating on finishing this round of edits, so

Here's some random thoughts on a Monday afternoon:

1) Omg we almost have a one year old. She is doing so much, and she's so much more aware of what's going on around her. She's more and more her own tiny person instead of just a baby.

2) After only getting on a plane once in the last 12+ months, we're going to break our dry spell hardcore and I'm a little afraid. I have a convention at the end of October which will be my first time away from Lady Jr. Then we're planning on going to Germany in November (!) and Minnesota for Christmas and then Tucson in March. I'm a little afraid, not gonna lie. Lady Jr did fine on the one plane ride we've been on so far, but she was 4 months old and a whole lot less wiggly. Oh well. We'll handle it.

3) It's been autumning for a few weeks now. August was really cool and the leaves started turning that last week. Now it's 80+, of course, but half the trees are vibrant and there's a syrupy quality to the light in the mornings and evenings that I just want to drink up.

4) I feel not exhausted for the first time in 2 weeks. Lady Jr got some kind of fever around my birthday and then gave it to me, but it wasn't just a fever - it was also severe fatigue. Now it seems like Lady is coming down with it and I don't envy her one bit.

5) My editor gave me my edits a few weeks ago for books one & two and they're not nearly as bad as I'd feared/expected. I just have to cut 20k from book two which is a little daunting, not gonna lie. Also fix some character stuff in book one. But that's pretty much it and I've been riding that high all week.

6) Current pub date for book one is March 2019. So far. So soon? I have to have book one 100% done and edited and copy-edited and proofed by this February, and then it's out of my hands. Kinda crazy that by the time book one comes out, I'll be done with the other two books. Publishing is slow, but also maybe the fact that I wrote book 2 first might have something to do with it.

7) I'm all legit & shit and have a page on my agency's website. You can even read the current "query" for book one if you're bored.

8) Despite all of that, I keep having crippling flashes of impostor syndrome. Yay!

9) No, we don't know where we're moving next. Probably not for another year +.

10) Punching class is now punching + kicking class and I love it except for last week when I was exhausted/fatigued all the time. Makes me miss Crossfit and it's more close-knit, cultish society tho.

11) Aaand the baby's starting to wiggle. Till next time!
spryng: (Default)
2017-08-12 06:26 am

31...

 In a few weeks, I'm going to be turning 31. I usually start thinking about my birthday as far ahead as June, even May sometimes, and trying to mull over/consider my previous year and the year going forward. But this year I didn't even remember my birthday was approaching until late July, and then it was August, and now we're almost halfway through August.

Part of that was because my July 1 deadline was all encompassing. Part of that was the baby is also all encompassing. Between the two and trying to keep up with Twitter (because technically it's work now *wink*), I don't have much time/mental energy left over. 

But I should get back into the groove of updating here. It's good to just take a moment and process things more deeply, instead of in bite-sized 140 character tweets or in DITL-esque dumps. 

So 31. To consider 31, I need to look back at 30. And 30 was... 30 was taking my life as I knew it up to that point and dropping it off a cliff. 30 was change. Massive upheaval. 30 was a prayer to Kali I didn't know I was making. And the result is that I have grown more professionally and as a person than I have at any other point in my adult life. 

To recap: 30 saw me pregnant and moving to a new state, an entirely new & different region of the country: Arizona to Michigan. 30 brought me a dayjob I actually enjoyed and then decided to drop a 3-book contract on my head. 30 gave me many heart-to-heart conversations with my mother and a greater understanding of her as well as our relationship. 30 also made me see parts of my childhood in an entirely new, and not altogether nice, light. 30 put an infant in my lap and took away sleep for 6+ months. 30 led to some of the darkest nights of my life. 30 has given me some of the brightest days.

30 was the fastest, scariest, most exhilarating rollercoaster. There were literally days I wondered if I would survive. There were literally days I cried tears of joy and wished would never end. There were days I had never felt luckier and days I considered divorce (not seriously - I was just in a really dark place).

30 was incredibly intense.

So if 30 was life kicking my feet out from under me, what does that make 31? I think 31 is going to be all about rebuilding. Chasing structure and stability and balance. Discovering who I am now as a mom, as an author, as a full-fledged adult. I am no longer "adulting." I am getting shit done. And hopefully taking the time to enjoy myself along the way.

To rebuild, I need to find my community again. I need friends here, even if they're not as awesome as the ones in AZ. I need to get out of the house more. Those are basically my only goals for this year: get the fuck out of the house.

To that end, I've joined a MMA class that meets 3x a week. I call it Punching 101. It's led by the whitest white dude ever and I feel a little bad giving him money, but it's also literally 2min away so I can actually make the class. Which has been a big hurdle when the baby goes to be at 7pm and most of the classes I've considered are at 7pm. 

I've also been invited to a Labor Day potluck and I'm going to go to our daycare's silly end-of-summer event next week and Lady met another person at work who has a 3 month old that we're going to have "play" dates with and DAMMIT I am going to actually meet people and get out of the house!

30 was the year of burning everything down. 31 will be the year of rising from the ashes.

spryng: (Default)
2017-08-10 04:42 pm

Saturday, August 5, 2017 | DITL

August DITL

It's been a while, but I'm still alive! I'm going to try to aim for at least one DITL a month for the rest of this year, because I love the photos I get out of it (example above).

Changes since last DITL: ...not much? I'm working on Book Three, Lady Jr is now 10 months old, the weather is gorgeous here, and I'm turning 31 at the end of the month. o.o Maybe I'll do a special DITL just for that. We'll see.

Read more... )
spryng: (Default)
2017-06-29 06:01 am

Been a While

[personal profile] 42itous reminded me that I basically disappeared completely off of LJ. I moved to dreamwidth without really any fanfare, didn't accept LJ's ToS, and then also kinda disappeared off of DW.

I went back and accepted the ToS to login one last time and because I missed LJ. But it's a sad shell of what it once was. I don't think DW can ever come close, but I still need a place where I don't have to worry about putting any filter over my words, where I can just write stream-of-conscious, whatever's on my mind at the time, about any part of my life. For me, LJ started as a public diary and has continued to be there for me when I navigated all sorts of messy parts of life.

I'm still on Wordpress, but both those blogs (speckofawesome and KADoore) are pretty filtered. Speck is mostly for baby stuff and lofty goals. KADoore is my author blog, so it's even more filtered.

But here, here I am me. Messy, anxious, flawed, rambling at length about whatever is currently at the forefront of my thoughts. Occasionally DitLs, occasionally just catch-up posts.

This is a catch-up post.

I've been quiet because I've been busy, but not in any exciting way. Just in a spending-every-free-minute writing sort of way. Wake up before baby? Write. Stay up after baby goes to sleep? Write. Baby takes a nap? Write. Lunch break at work? Wash dishes I mean: Write.

I'm not complaining, not one bit. But my life is probably the least exciting of anyone's right now.

BUT I did make my deadline. In fact, several days early. All of that writing and homebody-ing paid off. I turned my manuscript in for book one and now I can breathe again. I did it, the thing I've been afraid of ever since my agent contacted me one week after giving birth and to let me know Tor was interested. I took the tiniest seed of an idea and turned it into a polished manuscript in just under eight months.

This was a really big moment for me. It's not just that I wrote a book. I've been writing books for years, decades. I proved to myself that I could do this, that I could write under contract, that I could trust my process and that the ideas would be there. Every step of the way was filled with doubt and fear, but I kept my head down and pushed through and here I am.

Hitting this deadline was very important to me. Even if I could push it back if it came down to it, doing so would have allowed doubt to creep in and take hold. I needed to prove to myself that I could do what Real Authors (TM) do, what I'd been practicing on my own for almost a decade - write under contract in a set timeframe. And apparently under some of the most trying circumstances possible - new baby, new city, depression, extreme sleep deprivation, and isolation. I'm sure it could have been worse, and maybe there were times I should have fucking chilled, but now I have no excuses going forward. I know I can do this now.

So when, inevitably, doubt and its friends impostor syndrome and anxiety return, I have a very big stick I can wield to keep them at bay.

Now, finally - not when I got an agent, not when I got a contract - I feel like I can call myself an author. There's no little twinge of guilt or shame or fear. I've proven it sufficiently to myself, which is more than enough for anyone else. I can do this.

Whether or not I'll actually succeed at doing this as an actual career... we'll see. A lot of it is luck. A lot of it is timing. I could still fuck it up in some new and exciting way. But at least as far as the writing part goes, I think I've got this.
spryng: (Default)
2017-04-20 09:18 am

Sunday April 16, 2017 DITL



This is my life now.

Baby is 6 months old. Lady is still a postdoc. I'm back to work full+ time - i.e. I work part time at the Job Wot Pays and then 2+ hours/day writing. Deadline for this book is July 1st and I am definitely not panicking, not one bit.



In which our heroine has a fairly typical Sunday, it just now revolves around a tiny overlord. Warnings: A lot of baby pics. And I mean a lot. )

spryng: (Default)
2017-04-06 11:38 am

Goodbye LJ

I guess that's it. I tried to look at my friends' page one last time, but LJ wouldn't even let me do that without agreeing to their new terms of service - the translation of which they say isn't binding, i.e., by hitting "agree" you're actually agreeing to the original Russian. I can read some Russian, but not that much, and besides, I'm just not comfortable with the direction they're heading.

So. That's it. I'll keep the crossposting up, but that's about it. I'm sorry. If you've migrated to dreamwidth, drop me a comment and I'll add you.

It was good while it lasted, LJ. I met some awesome friends there. I vented a lot of frustrations and blogged about a lot of boring, everyday things. LJ was my haven when things were bad and my community when things were awesome. It was such a great place to just dump thoughts and get some feedback and love.

RIP LJ.
spryng: (Default)
2017-03-31 03:04 pm

(no subject)

I'm feeling increasingly panicked about this deadline. The worst part is it's not hard and fast, I could ask to move it, but my stubbornness REFUSES. I want to prove I can do this, even as I keep getting sick and the baby keeps getting sick and no one sleeps and work is eating my brain and then I guess I need to still do stuff around the house and my brain is increasingly little more than a ball of exhausted sludge.

Yet I don't feel like I can complain because omfg opportunity of a lifetime. Tiniest fucking violin. And I'm not complaining, not really, it's just the stress levels have been off the fucking charts.

Is it weird that I'm actually kind of glad I don't have any friends here? I simply don't have the time/energy to socialize. I miss my peeps from AZ and FL and sometimes I ache to just hang out and bake cupcakes again, but day-to-day-to-day I just don't have the time.

Instead, I keep hoping some day the balance will return. Some day I'll get enough sleep to function like a regular human being. To exercise. To cook. To give a fuck. I miss simply having the energy to get things done and get through the day.

So. Sorry if it seems I've been off the face of the earth. It's because I've been off the face of the earth. :/
spryng: (Default)
2017-03-12 07:06 am

Still Alive

Still here. Still alive. Still (very intermittently) checking LJ.

Just life is pretty much one of four things:

1) Baby. And I post about all the baby stuff on the speckofawesome.wordpress.com blog.

2) Day job. And that's going well with just the average amount of drama. I would talk more about my day job, but honestly, it can be boring even to me, so why bother. I make web trainings and sometimes people are ridiculous and sometimes the software we use is ridiculous and in the end the tranings get made and we get paid. *shrug* Of course, there's the continued drama of how much longer our company will get this contract, which translates to how much longer I'll get to do this cushy, stay-at-home job, but well.

3) Writing. It's going. It's a daily struggle to hit wordcount between 1, 2, and 4. I could expound upon my writing and editing process and how having a baby has changed a lot of that and yet not, but it all comes down to: am I going to miss my July 1st deadline? And that answer seems to change on a daily basis.

BUT - we are sending baby to one more day of daycare (now 4 days a week) which was a pretty big decision for me, complete with the requisite amount of guilt, but I just cannot find more than 30, 40min of uninterrupted time to write/edit/plot and that's become untenable. God, the guilt though. I feel like I should be able to handle day job, writing, baby, sleep, and keeping the house together, but I just can't. I keep reminding myself that I've been lucky to have two days off with baby each week, and even one day, but it's hard because unlike the day job, I *could* keep her home with me. If only I could figure out how to, you know, get work done while she was home. So basically, I can't. Which feels like a personal failing.

Anyway.

4) Sleep. Baby's sleep. My sleep. She's still waking up every 1-2 hours at night and it's killing me. Not just because of the sleep dep, but because I have to go to bed early just to get enough sleep to function and then she keeps getting up earlier and earlier, which cuts into the only time I have to myself (i.e. to write) in the day.

We started sleep training and it was going well (3 hour stretches!!) until last night when it all fell apart. She wouldn't stop crying so I did all the things I wasn't supposed to do (nurse, cuddle, etc) and then she was up every hour after that screaming. Finally she let out a massive poop at 5am and now seems to be sleeping (like a baby [hahahahaha {*sob*}]), but obviously I'm on edge about that since I'm here writing a blog entry instead of being able to focus on book writing.

If she would only sleep, life would be suddenly so much easier...


Overall, though, everything is 100x better with a 5(!) month old than it was with a newborn. She is so, so much easier to handle during the day, which makes the sleep dep a little less rough. I love her. She is ridiculous. She's started laughing, like, real laughs which just melt my heart. I can go out in public with her and she doesn't melt down. We even went to GA last weekend to visit my grandmum (her great grandmum) and she did amazing. She hated the car by the end of the trip, but then, who doesn't?

Cutting dairy out of my diet also seemed to clear up a lot of her issues. Now she only really fusses/cries when she's tired or we're trying to get her to sleep. Which, you know, is half the day. *shrug*

Watching her become interested in more and more things and become more aware and more of a tiny human is such a treat. I understand now why all those milestones are so exciting - newborns can't do anything and even something so simple as discovering her hands warrants celebration. She's rolling now - like legit, I can't leave her alone because she'll roll over and get upset with me - and I can see what will eventually become crawling. I both can't wait, because it'll mean she's that much closer to becoming an actual kid and terrified, because holy shit we'll need to baby proof.

Basically, if we could just skip the newborn phase, or maybe not have a colicky baby, I would totally do this again. Now just ask me that in three, four months when we really hit the on-the-go stage and we'll see, but. Yeah. I can see how/why people do this now.

You made it this far, so baby tax:

march-15
spryng: (Default)
2017-02-02 04:06 pm

Little things

Although we've been going through some serious sleep regression lately - see: a baby who used to sleep 4-5 hours at night now sleep 1.5-2 - everyday life with baby has gotten so much easier. Especially, you know, now that I'm not sick.

Parts are still hard - when she fusses for no apparent reason, when she spits up (seemingly) everything, when she is so so tired but won't sleep - but many more parts have become quite enjoyable.

Like:
- Walking through the snow with her strapped to my chest and listening to her snorts and sighs as she sleeps.
- Watching her sleep at night (shh, it's not as creepy as you think)
- Putting her pantsless on the playmat and watching her wiggle and roll while she babbles ceaselessly
- Greeting her when she's woken up in the morning and getting so many smiles
- Listening to her coo to herself in the middle of the night
- Seeing her smile at Dr Lady when she enters baby's field of vision
- Honestly, all of the noises she makes
- Put her on my lap while I do crunches and the expression she makes when I kiss her forehead at the top of each crunch
- The way she happily shoves her toys in her mouth
- When she chatters non-stop in the car after we pick her up from daycare
- Her open-mouthed stare
- Her (sometimes desperate) need to sit up
- The footie claws on her dinosaur pajamas
- This face

january-81
spryng: (Default)
2017-01-28 08:10 am

This Week

Fuck this week.

At first I thought it was a good thing that I was sick and out of it for the inauguration. But alas, being under the weather this week just meant even more time to watch the world burn. I was panicking by Monday. By Friday, I was a wreck.

I keep thinking, it can't be as bad as it seems, right? This isn't *actually* a theo-fascist takeover that will end in the destruction of our country, right? But then I think, that kind of complacency is what allows a theo-fascist takeover to happen. Then I panic some more.

I keep thinking: my same-sex marriage is public record and Pence is going to be POTUS as soon as the republicans are done blaming Cheeto for all the unpopular stuff they've been wanting to do. I keep thinking: they've barred any refugees but Christians from entering and I am not a Christian. I keep thinking: Cheeto's going to dismantle the EPA because he doesn't believe in climate change, when will he come after evolutionary science because he doesn't believe in evolution? Fuck, science in general? Will my wife be able to find a job in two years? Will we ever be able to leave Michigan?

I keep thinking: we need to save as much money as possible because our future is so uncertain. I keep thinking: but we also need to pay for second parent adoption because they *will* come after same-sex marriage.

I keep thinking: what kind of world are we raising a child in?

I keep thinking: I have family who support this man and his vision of our future. I have family who cheer when he denounces the press and cuts off abortion funding. Will they cheer when he comes for us?

I keep thinking: in high school during the WWII lessons, we all wondered how the Germans didn't see what was coming, why they didn't stand up sooner.

I keep thinking: now we know.


On top of all this panic, I have to somehow work and write and continue to function. I need to stop going to Facebook or news pages or Twitter, but I'm almost more afraid of what I'll come back to. But I also really need to take care of myself, so for this weekend, I'm going to try.
spryng: (Default)
2017-01-21 09:31 am

Fitting

I hadn't thrown up in over 13 years.

That is, until yesterday, when I threw up constantly and had a fever and felt (a bit) like I was going to die.

Mere coincidence that it was also Cheeto Mussolini's inauguration? I think not.

On the bright side, I was too busy lying in bed to watch or read any coverage and that's just fine.

On the not-so-bright side, I'm not going to be able to attend the Woman's March in our town today because I'm still recovering.

Let it be known that mastitis is worse than flu.
spryng: (Default)
2017-01-17 11:46 am

The Life

I have it. What I've been wishing for and dreaming about for so many years.

The Life.

I officially* start back at work this week. Part time. And my parents are on their way out of town. So it's just me and baby for two days, then baby at daycare and me at work for three, then the weekends with Lady and baby and me together.

Baby's taking her 1st nap and I just hit wordcount for the day (hence taking a break to write here). And now it's later and baby's down for her 2nd nap. Hah. Such is life.

I've always wanted to work part time and spend the rest of my time writing. For the last few years, I've also wanted a baby. Now I have both. It's a strange feeling to realize so many dreams at once. I have whiplash still, I think, especially after spending so many years at shitty jobs where they paid me to just sit in an office all day, even when there wasn't any work.

Now I work at home, so if there isn't work, I can clean or cook or read. And I work part time, so I can write and spend time with baby. My life is (almost) everything I've envisioned.

Everything, but friends. It's very lonely here, 2 time zones away from Arizona, living in a city where the sidewalks are icy and the roads are unplowed, without a car, without an office. Making friends with a newborn isn't exactly easy and mom groups meet at all the wrong times.

I foresee a lot of pushing my boundaries in the coming weeks just to get out of the house, just to meet people. But I'll need that to stay sane, even with this amazing schedule.

I'm also building new dreams. I would love to keep this schedule, keep this job, keep writing. Now I just also want to not live in Michigan (sorry Michigan) and have friends. I think those are two completely reasonable dreams, yes?

In the meantime, any advice from current parents on how to spend time alone with baby would be great. Idk what to do with this smiling potato sometimes.
spryng: (books)
2017-01-05 03:38 pm

Christmas Day, December 25, 2016 DITL

Christmas 2016

Life with a baby = I did this DITL a week and a half ago and am only now getting around to it.

That said, wouldn't trade this for the world.

Baby's first Christmas )
spryng: (Default)
2017-01-02 01:26 pm

(no subject)

Like a lot of other LJers, I've made an account over at Dreamwidth and am going to be using that as my primary account.

IF you haven't heard, LJ has been owned by a Russian company for quite some time now. But despite that, LJ servers have been hanging out in CA all these years. Apparently, the servers have been moved to Russia for reals now. Of course, I can't find anywhere else that talks about this other than that Metafilter post and hundreds of LJ posts themselves. LJ itself has remained mum on the matter, so honestly right now it's mostly rumor. Pretty solid rumor at that, but still rumor.

But it's a good as time as any to back up my hundreds (thousands??) of LJ entries from over 10 years (15!) of posting and find a home on Dreamwidth, which is US owned and based. It also lets you import all of your LJ entries and create crossposts, like this one. For now, I'm going to wait and see what happens and whether or not the rumors are substantiated before doing anything drastic, like deleting my LJ account. I would not be surprised, though, and Russia is not known for privacy, so.

In the meantime, I'd encourage you to keep appraised of the sitch and, if nothing else, back up your entries. You can always export your posts through LJ itself, but it looks like more and more of us will be migrating to Dreamwidth over the coming months.

<3
spryng: (books)
2016-12-16 09:37 pm

The Thing I Have Been Hinting At

I have been sitting on this news for at least a month and the possibility of this news for two months and it has been AGONY so without further ado:

"Tor Takes Debut Fantasy Trilogy by Doore

Diana Pho, an editor at Tor, acquired world rights for K.A. Doore’s debut fantasy trilogy, Assassins of Ghadid, in a deal brokered by Kurestin Armada of P.S. Literary. According to Armada, the trilogy centers on a desert city “where control over water means control over both life and magic itself.” Pho added that Doore’s work draws on “the cultures of sub-Saharan Africa and ancient Egypt” as well as queer romance. The publisher expects to begin publishing the books in winter 2019."

You can read the announcement in all of its gorgeous, Publisher's Weekly glory here if for some reason you don't believe me. I wouldn't blame you. I don't believe me.

Okay.

Now that you've read that.

OMFGBBQWTF

THREE BOOKS

THREE FUCKING BOOKS

TOR

FUCKING TOR

I LOVE TOR

...

I can't even. I've had two whole months to digest this and I still can't even. I know it's a cliche, but I have been writing and rewriting and editing and re-editing books since sixth grade. Since graduating college I have written/re-written a book almost every year and four (five?) years ago I started querying. I have almost given up so many times and I have wondered how long it would take, if it ever would, if it was worth not pursuing another career path, and I have suffered through a shit ton of self doubt and I have gotten my hopes up and crushed and received so many form rejections and then real(!!) rejections and and and

This is only the beginning, I hope. The start of a real, honest to god career. Please, please please, because I have so many more stories to write.

But before all that, I have a book to write (while somehow keeping an infant alive), because of course the one I have done will be the second book, of course.

<3 <3 <3
spryng: (books)
2016-12-11 08:58 am
Entry tags:

Thoughts on a Sunday Morning

We're supposed to get 5-8 inches of snow today. I don't even know what that looks like. I looked out the window when I woke up and everything was already coated white. The sidewalk has disappeared. Snow is falling, thick as rain. It's supposed to keep snowing like this all day.

I realized while watching all that snow come down that I've never been through a real winter before. Yeah, I lived in Seattle for two years, but those winters were cold and rainy. It snowed occasionally and only stuck around for a day or two. Already we've had snow on the ground since last weekend. I tell people, I can deal with the cold and the snow, it's the darkness that gets me, but I guess we'll see, huh?

Lady Jr has turned a corner for us in the past few weeks and life has gotten significantly easier. I hope to all things holy I didn't just jinx it, but from what I've read, once the newborn phase is over, babies generally become easier, more predictable.

For one, she's smiling and making noises and looking at things. For another, she doesn't just cry while she's awake. Right now she's on the play mat next to the couch, turning her head this way and that as she looks at all the lights we have up and occasionally laughing for no discernible reason. But it's cute as fuck and I told Lady the other day that she can stay.

And now she's in the sling carrier on me, asleep. She looked around for a little and smiled while I put her in it, which is leaps and bounds beyond the screaming and fussing she used to do when I tried to get her in it.

Seriously. Having a baby that is content while awake until she needs something vs crying the entire time is a game changer. I see the light at the end of this tunnel, I see how people can do this and do other things.

Even more awesome, I have now slept in my own bed for three nights in a row instead of trying to sleep on the couch. I'd been out there half the night because Lady Jr woke so often and took so long to go back to sleep. But, again, in the past few weeks she went from needing 40min to fall back asleep to 20 to 10 to 5 to none. That coupled with only waking 2-3 times during my sleep window means I can finally move back to bed. I get to snuggle my wife again and sleep without the fear of cats jumping on me just when I'd fallen asleep.

Seriously. That was what finally did it, because I'd tried moving back into the bedroom right before Thanksgiving, but Lady Jr decided to sleep regress and we both had the week from sleep dep hell. But then she was sleeping better again and I was just hesitant she'd sleep regress if we tried, but the cats, oh the cats. I love them, but fuck 'em for keeping me from sleeping so many nights.

So yeah. Now we've had three nights in our bedroom with Lady Jr and omg. I didn't even take a nap yesterday. It's amazing. And Lady Jr slept 7(!!!) hours the other night, which gives me hope. Granted, she hasn't done that since (six and then 4 last night, so), but I didn't expect her to.

Basically, everything is butterflies and unicorn sparkles now that I'm getting more sleep. Hah.

She's still fussing a lot and full on, in pain, heart-renching screaming occasionally and we're trying to figure that out. I've cut out dairy and wheat for now because everything says dairy can be a problem and, well, I'm starting to react to wheat again so. I haven't had wheat since Friday and she hasn't had a screaming fit since then, so - fingers crossed.


Not baby-related, I have been making an effort to write and go outside every day. I have 29k words on a first draft and a plan to write 1k/day through December to finish it. I'm currently at the (first) point where everything is awful and why do I write and oh god, this is never going to be good, which means I need to keep going.

Going outside every day has been keeping SAD away - well, that plus a shit ton of supplemental vitamin D. But I take baby for a walk most days around the park nearby and have made an extra effort to go out when it's snowing/raining/freezing because, well, that's winter, isn't it? If I don't go out when it's 20 degrees, then I'll be stuck inside for weeks and I'll go crazy.


You made it this far, so have a baby pic:

december-18
spryng: (books)
2016-12-09 06:18 pm

2016

While 2016 sucked for the world, it sure was kind of the best on a personal level. Okay, maybe at times not so much the best, but certainly a world of change. Since there is one more amazeballs thing I am waiting to share, though, I'm going to put off my contemplative 2016 post a little longer and do the Year in Review Meme instead.


Meme it up! )
spryng: (books)
2016-12-02 08:19 am

Day by day

The days are blurring together. I keep meaning to post and then it's a week later and there's too much to post about and nothing at all.

Babies are hard. I knew it'd be hard, but it's one thing to know and another to do. I'm trying to appreciate the now, but I'm constantly looking forward to when things will be ever so slightly easier. When my entire day (and night) isn't consumed by baby. It's already better than it was a week ago, two weeks ago, a month ago, and I feel selfish for wanting more time, but...

I know that life has fundamentally changed and every step along the way will be difficult in its own way. But I also know that spending over 12 hours trying to sleep / trying to get a baby to sleep every day is needlessly difficult. Once she goes to bed at a reasonable time (not 12am), with a reasonable amount of fuss (less than four hours), I'll have at least an extra two, three hours of time a day and that will be life changing.

Because right now it's a struggle just to eat and pee and go for a walk. Let alone sleep and do necessary chores and pay bills. And to even think about decorating or Christmas or gifts - hahahaha.

On top of all of that I have a project due at the end of January related to a thing I can't talk about yet, so I'm also stressing about getting enough done each day.

And then I feel guilty because I have help, yet somehow it's still overwhelming and I keep panicking because I'm not doing *enough*. And then I also feel guilty because I so so wanted this, worked for this for years, was jealous of other people who had this, and now here I am complaining.

I do love her and I'm glad she happened and now that she smiles and makes noises other than crying it's so much easier. But man, it was a rough few weeks there when all I could do was cry while she cried. I honest to god have no idea how straight people who have a baby "accidentally" and aren't 100% enthused about it do this. You have to really fucking want that baby to survive the newborn stage.

We're getting there. I see the light at the end of the sleep dep and peak fuss tunnel. She sleeps well once she goes to sleep, we just need her to go to sleep earlier. That's it. That's all I ask for.
spryng: (books)
2016-11-11 02:23 am

2am Thoughts

I feel like we've slipped into an alternate reality and we'll slip right back at any moment.

I've also never felt so hurt and disappointed by so many people.

My existence is political, so it's impossible not to take this personally. I'm already seeing messages of "get over it" or "give him a chance" and I'm just nope-ing right out of there. He may be president-elect, but I don't have to give a racist, xenophobic, homophobic, bigoted, narcissistic demagogue a chance. In fact, I plan on doing the opposite.

I'm gonna fight.

I've never donated to anything political, but I donated to the ACLU today and I'm going to give my money - and time, whenever I have that again - to organizations willing and able to fight for our rights and for basic human decency. I'm going to speak out and I'm going to call BS when I see it.

I've been afraid to do any of that in the past. But it's so different now that I have a daughter. This fight isn't just for me - it's for her. She deserves to grow up without fear.
spryng: (books)
2016-10-31 08:30 am

Monday Morning Thoughts

- It's peak autumn here. Half the trees are bare, the other half are full of bright leaves, and the other half... third... are blue spruce. It is solidly in the 50s and usually gray and sometimes rainy, but we're still getting intermittent bright, sunny, warm days. It hit 70 last week and should hit it again tomorrow.

- Life with baby is finding a rhythm. I am so much more confident about our ability to take care of this wee squirmy thing and I'm (slowly) learning to go with the flow instead of trying to impose my own predetermined schedule on the day. There will be time for that later. For now, baby sets the schedule.

- Tomorrow is the official start of NaNoWriMo and I know I swore it off in years past, but I'm going to try to do it this year because I have a book to write. Also, because it will be a good way to reintroduce myself to the world of writing after almost a full year away. Pregnancy hormones are a bitch, man, but I am so, so glad that there wasn't something else causing my writer's block.

- Anyone else doing NaNo? I'm spryng over there, too.

- My parents are here and super helpful, each in their own way. Mom has been cooking us food, with real vegetables, and helping to hold the baby when baby only wants to be held. Dad has been bopping around the house, fixing all the little things we'd been putting off. Already the sink has been unclogged, lightbulbs replaced, door frames measured, the siding power washed, the glider de-squeakified, the coat hook installed - and they've only been here a week!

- Sleep isn't stellar, but thanks to formula, I'm getting at least a solid 3-4 hours every night and then I just supplement with a few 30-45min naps. My anxiety is in check and I'm mostly functional, so it must be working.

- And now the baby is up, so that's it for now.