Day by day

Dec. 2nd, 2016 08:19 am
spryng: (books)
[personal profile] spryng
The days are blurring together. I keep meaning to post and then it's a week later and there's too much to post about and nothing at all.

Babies are hard. I knew it'd be hard, but it's one thing to know and another to do. I'm trying to appreciate the now, but I'm constantly looking forward to when things will be ever so slightly easier. When my entire day (and night) isn't consumed by baby. It's already better than it was a week ago, two weeks ago, a month ago, and I feel selfish for wanting more time, but...

I know that life has fundamentally changed and every step along the way will be difficult in its own way. But I also know that spending over 12 hours trying to sleep / trying to get a baby to sleep every day is needlessly difficult. Once she goes to bed at a reasonable time (not 12am), with a reasonable amount of fuss (less than four hours), I'll have at least an extra two, three hours of time a day and that will be life changing.

Because right now it's a struggle just to eat and pee and go for a walk. Let alone sleep and do necessary chores and pay bills. And to even think about decorating or Christmas or gifts - hahahaha.

On top of all of that I have a project due at the end of January related to a thing I can't talk about yet, so I'm also stressing about getting enough done each day.

And then I feel guilty because I have help, yet somehow it's still overwhelming and I keep panicking because I'm not doing *enough*. And then I also feel guilty because I so so wanted this, worked for this for years, was jealous of other people who had this, and now here I am complaining.

I do love her and I'm glad she happened and now that she smiles and makes noises other than crying it's so much easier. But man, it was a rough few weeks there when all I could do was cry while she cried. I honest to god have no idea how straight people who have a baby "accidentally" and aren't 100% enthused about it do this. You have to really fucking want that baby to survive the newborn stage.

We're getting there. I see the light at the end of the sleep dep and peak fuss tunnel. She sleeps well once she goes to sleep, we just need her to go to sleep earlier. That's it. That's all I ask for.
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